i know the things i said to you- the lies i said to try and hurt. i promise i never meant a single word.

•  

what songs are there to sing
to cover up the sound
of empty clothing laying still?
the smell you left behind?
or the way i can still see your smile
like a Cheshire cat
refusing to fade.

i had my feet on the ground for you
you had me saying things
and thinking things
considering
maybe it was okay to open my heart again.
it has been shattered so many times before
but maybe this time
maybe you’ll be the guy who’s different.
who’ll see past all my shit and my cold realism
past my nonsense and deflections and
scared scrambled attacks.
it wasn’t fair, i know.
but lord knows i tried
i tried so hard to put my weapons down.
you were worth it.
this was worth it.
i needed you, it was terrifying
so terrifying, i clutched fast to a few weapons
just in case, just to feel safe.
i wish you had known me better i guess.
i wish you had looked harder to see beyond me into myself.
does that make sense?
i’m almost glad i didnt open more
if it hurts and aches and tears this badly
how would it have felt if i threw open my heart completely?
then again,
if i had,
maybe we wouldnt even be here.

i want to curl up in a ball, cry, fall asleep, and wake up the next day with no more tears to shed, and a heart made out of steel

it's like i was nothing to you

i need to look stunning tomorrow
so the first thing you think when you look at me
is not about how we are fighting
but how lucky you are i'm fighting with you
and no one else.
and how you just want to kiss me
like every thing is going to be ok.

My back is firmly planted against the concrete wall
and I try to drop the left over ballet arch to my
lower back.
Will it always be there?
This gap you can slip your hand
between my back and the wall into.
Almost sensual when you think of it
More than almost when you brush your hand around it
claiming in that silent way of yours.
Not for others sake,
but for mine.
I am your secret
And I am yours.
You won’t let me forget it
And how you made me feel
and how you’re the only one to ever
Make me feel like that
(yet)
I imagine all the bone and fluid and vessels
And leftover whatever
flowing out my body from that lower back spot
and I can feel it relax against the cool wall slightly.
It will be back later tonight
but that is of course later.

cant write
cant think

too angry, too sad.

i am perfectly willing to admit that i spent some quality time with mr.s ben and jerry

we don't make sense.
but i love how you laugh and
how you make me laugh.
we're wrong for each other
but i want you.

lets play a game
where i paint over the scars on my body
blue and green and orange and gold.
what’s left anymore?
i wanted a life beside you
and you wanted my skin
airbrushed and retouched daily.
what can i give to you?

lets play pretend

that if i leave
it will be more than one big giant
punch to your ever inflating
ever suffocating ego
that i am a slave to.
that when i go you’ll see how i
wanted so much and dreamed so much more
than what we had

i am not ready to face it
because i don’t want this to be wrong.
i can’t face another failure.
i can’t face that kind of knowledge about myself.

don’t think it’s you, oh, though it is.
every night i want to push you away and pull you close at the same time.
don’t make my mistakes
and don’t run away.
but sometimes i just want you to go.
don’t let me push and pull.

perhaps i can tie myself down
handcuffs,
so my arms can’t move themselves or you around.

can i stand that vulnerability
(outside the bedroom?)

where is the line anymore?

i'm a realist
i'm a romantic
i'm an indecisive piece of shit

do you even understand
how it felt to be confirmed in you
my worst fears for myself?
i don't want to be empty.
i can no longer believe i am.
i am not some shell to be filled by you.
i am not some empty girl you can toy with.
you say i'm nothing
you say i'm everything.
you say you see me
how can i believe that
when you only see in me what i tell you of myself?

i can't think anymore tonight.

i can't touch you for fear of what you'll feel.

(oh, but isn't it always like that for me)