i know the things i said to you- the lies i said to try and hurt. i promise i never meant a single word.

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what songs are there to sing
to cover up the sound
of empty clothing laying still?
the smell you left behind?
or the way i can still see your smile
like a Cheshire cat
refusing to fade.

i had my feet on the ground for you
you had me saying things
and thinking things
considering
maybe it was okay to open my heart again.
it has been shattered so many times before
but maybe this time
maybe you’ll be the guy who’s different.
who’ll see past all my shit and my cold realism
past my nonsense and deflections and
scared scrambled attacks.
it wasn’t fair, i know.
but lord knows i tried
i tried so hard to put my weapons down.
you were worth it.
this was worth it.
i needed you, it was terrifying
so terrifying, i clutched fast to a few weapons
just in case, just to feel safe.
i wish you had known me better i guess.
i wish you had looked harder to see beyond me into myself.
does that make sense?
i’m almost glad i didnt open more
if it hurts and aches and tears this badly
how would it have felt if i threw open my heart completely?
then again,
if i had,
maybe we wouldnt even be here.

i want to curl up in a ball, cry, fall asleep, and wake up the next day with no more tears to shed, and a heart made out of steel

it's like i was nothing to you