Life is Art

What will be your muse today?
What will be your paper, your easel?
Who is your paint, who is your pencil?
Who, for heaven sakes, holds your hand to canvas and lets it go?
Who is your canvas?

What will you do with it today?

Nerd Time

I'll admit it.
I'm a nerd.
An english nerd.
And, hell, I'm proud of it.
I have pride in the fact that I am top of my english/history class. I am proud I am beating the best students I know, (sorry kiddos:]) and I love the work, and the fact that Mr.L has so much faith in what i do.
I love getting work back from a teacher who is a tough marker with 96% percents. I love reading his comments and critisisms on my work, everything from "great opening, nice use of repatition" to, "why can't you understand comma splices?!, this is awkward and poorly done"
because they help me grow and learn.

On the flip side,
chem is killing me.
I just can't understand it. All those formula's and rules and definitions and how carbon makes up everything organic and some inorganic and how n=M*V and molarity and molality and this and that and presipitation isnt rain. plasma is the most common substance in the universe. its just overwhelming. i'm so bad at it, it's unreal. i can't do those calculations and the difference between an atom and molecule escaped me until very recently. Learning about how scuba divers get the bends is frustrating because it seems so simple but i cant hold onto it.
can't win 'em all now can i? Chem is so cool, learning why everything is the way it is. it's like holding the key to the universe. i just keep dropping it and misplacing it and just can't seem to get it to work. Is my lock faulty, or my key I wonder...?

Is there something about yourself or you do that make you feel great? Something that make you feel slightly smug? Something you feel you're great at?
Is there something you're the best at?
Is there something you're the worst at?

What do you love about each?

You're Lame and Decrepit

Tonight you're here
but will you love me tomorrow?


Reading old notebooks is interesting.
it's like photographs of me.
and, a pictures worth a thousand words they say.


i wish i was a bird
so i could fly, of course
and shake hands with
each star.
Learn their names
and exchange
"How'd you do" 's

i wish i was an Angel sometimes.
Slipping by unseen
so i could
watch over you
Sing you sweet lullabies,
and keep you
bright and safe.



There are five empty chairs at the table.
five.
five empty places around me.
six i count the one my bag is on.
six.
i fill those in my mind
with the people i love best.
one. ee
two. maj three. steve
four. dust five. zed
six. six.
six is - was - bird, who,
is better off gone. better off the chair
for coats and bags.
in my mind my five full chairs
(six with bags, seven with me!)
in my mind my five full
chairs smile at me.
And I smile back.

Old stuff

innocence is the fault of youth

-

Saw my defining moment
saw it pass me by
didn't move a muscle
just stood and waved
goodbye

-

fucking mirror
who's laughing now?
huh?
you can't break me
I broke you.
Who's laughing
now.

-

if words could kill
you'd be dead a hundred times over
for all the times i've written
for all the times each word cut into me,
for every carefully crafted phrase.
i look at the past
at my writings
and see...
horror.
every word i wrote pains me now,
so much unhappiness on one little page
after one little page, after one little page.
what had me that way?
somehow i can only faintly recall

-

But this is a song over done
maybe one day we'll find the time to write
our own little songs.
Maybe one day we'll all know how.
'Cause sweetie can sing, but can't write his own.
He sings what he doesn't believe, doesn't understand.
I hear his voice and hear a lie.
A beautiful lie. A believable lie.
Write and singing, my own rough tunes.
They may be bad but at least they're true.
A love song, a hate song, a nonesense, a collage.
Little bird can borrow all my songs.
Take them and twist them and claim them.
Writing more is easiest.
It's me on a Greyhound. It's the subtle freak out.
It was the night we spent in the long grass.
The test that was left empty, & the words you never said to me.
Each truth will find it's time to finish
when the ink stains jump onto my fingers again.
When the ache of his empty place becomes too much

-

Yes i had said we needed a break.
i stand by it.
it wasnt an attack.
i cant feel devoted.
i never said i hate you.
i dont need you, and i need that.
not feeling what we used to pulls my mouth down
but that's not enough.
no more fights,
no more tears.
this is the end of it,
until we both think it's worth it.

-

A new pen.
Let it go.
Maybe this time.
Maybe in this one
I'll find the write words,
pen the perfect rhymes,
strike the right chords.
Maybe this time,
maybe this time i'll get it right.
Maybe this pen'll be the one
that I can write magic with

-

Fools rush in
where angels fear to tread

Fools rush in
where wise men never go.
But wise men never fall in love
so how are they to know?

-

Sometimes
frustration makes me scream
With you,
I never know which way's left.
So tell me to fix my hair.
I'll gurdgingly oblige.
I avoid conflict.
Isn't that a shame?

Insert Curse Words Here

Right, here I go.
Ready for the explosion? Cover your ears ladies and gents.

YOU

where the hell do you get off doing that to me?!

you've never seen me angry, and you certainly did not pick a prime way to see an example of my fury.
do you think that it was okay to just stand me up like that?
do you think it's fine?
did you honestly see it as a good idea?
What, was there no time at all, in the past 12 hours to call me?

Did you just change your mind?
Or did you never want to do it in the first place?
Just wanted to spare my feelings.
Well fuck you.
Fuck. You.
I don't need your bullshit.
I don't need this, here, not here, care, don't care fucking around.

I had too much of that with him

You know that. You knew that.
You knew and yet still you pull this stuff.
Still you do this to me again and again and again
and get offended when my faith in you wavers.

How dare you.
How fucking dare you.

I don't need this.
I don't need you.

If I hear another song about angels-

I will make the pilgrimage to Jerusalem

and I will drink myself to death

Am I wasting myself here

while i can be wasting away elsewhere?
You
You think I make no sense

you think these words are here for the sake

of having words down.

I will go to Aden.
Go to Aden and find the garden
find the garden and go to sleep.
In my sleep I know I'll find my way.

For all my talk of travel

for all my high speechs

all I want is what everyone wants

All I want is a place to breathe

and a place to be free.

I remember taking your hand,

so long ago,

and you taking me on flights.
And I would call you Peter,

and you would call me Sweetheart.
And I would call you Darling,

and you would let me fall.
But oh I remember the stars.
Oh, I remember how the clouds in the air

made me skin tingle

and my very toes want to sing.

Jerusalem cannot hold me down

Garden of Eden will not let you rest.

And I will not let you, Peter

I will not let you

drop me again.
I will not remain in a tower

or a room

or any place I'm put.
It's not survival

It's splashing water on my face
so I don't rip it off.

I will go to Jerusalem and Aden.

I will go and find the bottom

of every bottle,

go and sleep easy in the garden.

2009

I don't wanna make a huge thing out of this new years thing, however, this year i will;

1. put myself out there more
2. finish writing a story
3. take advantage of the oppertunities i have
4. learn how to do something new (cross stiching maybe?)
5. spend one evening a week by myself.
6. feed a homeless man
7. learn double dutch
8. get a head start on my italian, i've let it drop this year
9. decide if i want to continue singing
10. spend less money
11. stop putting it off and get my license
12. apoligize to the people who deserve it
13. let my pride take the day off
14. possibly get a new job
15. actually wear what i have in my wardrobe
16. take better care of myself 17. go to imc and get a hut, and finish a song.
18. go to my cabin with a friend
19. go to my cabin alone
20. spend more time w. old friends
21. go for coffee with people i hardly know
22. get over my fear of diving boards
23. laugh once a day
24. take more pictures
25. let my family teach me something
26. appreciate, embrace, and accept

lots of little thoughts

Zac and I are gonna do something this newyearseve.

not sure what yet.

im not really the party kind of a person. it's just not my thing.

I have successfully names all my electronics.

iPod: Energy, but also known as Ike
phone: Eric

camera: Pip

Computer: Lila (Lie-lah)

met up with an old friend today.

i had forgotten how much i had missed her until then.

Steven said a pole

My mind is everywhere today.

My sister is home and that makes me happy.
But don't tell her.

Oh please don't let there be something wrong.
but,

maybe,

its easier if there is?

I love sunny delight

and my big packet of crayons

I miss writing poetry

All the kids are poets now.
Can you hear their minds
growling.
Growling
with the hunger and anticipation
we've come to associate
with wolves these days?

Yes,
The kids are all
wolves now.
With pens and paper
for teeth and claw

And minds...
and minds...

Minds more dangerous than both.

i love pomegranate and recycling

Christmas has come and gone

I worked Christmas eve. and today, boxing day.

Christmas eve i made a point to wish everyone a merry Christmas.

today i spent my shift marking down items and re-arranging my store so it no longer looks warm and christmasy.
it feels cold and sad now.

To those who follow my blog and recall, I had a post about an elderly couple who came in. The old lady talking about citrus peels, and the old man using such eloquent language.
To those who recall,
my manager told me on Christmas eve, after i had served them, that they are banned from the store.
Apparently the women once got angry because the ice cream she bought was frozen yogurt, and proceeded to dump it on the floor, smoosh it with her foot, soon after which a man slipped on it and broke something.

I was saddened by this.

I got an iPod from my sister, who is BC finally
(another post will be dedicated to her adventures getting there)
and a camera from my mother.

However, my highlights were not those, although they are wonderful and extravagant.
My father, bought me a pair of earrings.
That in itself is odd enough, my father does not shop often, its mostly up to my mum.
These earrings ( i am wearing them now) are made of recycled metal, and look like little men wearing shorts.
My father knew exactly how much i would love them, for the green factor, and really, because they are so darn cute.

My sister, also bought me a tree.
Yes, a tree.
A Pomegranate tree.
It will grow in my room. It'll be 5 feet tall when its mature, and flower, then give me actual fruit.
How. Fucking. Cool.
Excuse my language.

I asked Steven a question today.
"A man walks into a bar, but it isn't a bar. What is it?"
Give me your answers. I'll post his and mine something before the end of the month