he holds my face
like
glass
glass
glass glass glass.
and sings me silly stupid lullaby's.
my makeup is and hair is and mind is
everywhere
and he kisses me.
holds the door open.
he pays as much as i let him.
he holds my hand
spins me in circles
until im laughing
completely giddy.
im silly.
its fine.
he smiles and i smile because he smiles at my smile and arent we a pair of nonesenesical?
and its like i couldnt ask for anything better

as for you?

you never deserved me

i used to be so
anti kids
anti marriage.
i never
ever
wanted any of that.

its funny how you can change your mind.

not saying i want it now.



but one day.
one day.

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why do you hate me so?




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wish i could write something



anything.

i could write you an entire book on this feeling, and it still wouldn't be enough, or even accurate.

i want to keep you
i am so lucky
i could love you
i needed you in my life

this weather is getting me down.
but i like that you know my secret fears.
and how you hold me tight through the thunder
because you know i cant sleep tonight.
this weather is getting me down but you're lifting me up
in the bathroom because
im empty as anything
im a little bird.
the rain is drenching everything
but its your back up band
as you sing me silly lullaby's
this weather is getting me down
but you hold me up.

as you walked out the door tonight
so late
so late tonight
i-
in my messy ponytail, gray sweats and pj shirt
skin tired and pale, a
little red defiant pimple showing up above my left
eye-
was throttled by this sudden
fear
 that you are about to walk away.
about to leave and never come back
because why would you.
and i almost cried right there on the landing.
you turned and kissed my cheekbones.
a goodnight was exchanged.

please come back tomorrow.
please don't be walking out on me
i don't think my heart could stand any more of that.
i think i would asphyxiate on
my heart as it climbed up my throat
in a suicidal attempt to say
everything its ever needed to
because i forced it shut and silent so long
to this day.

what if i open it again,
meaning for just a crack
just a few things let out
just a small thing let in-
and it bursts
all over the floor and pillows and me and you
what do i do then?

its been a long night.

cottage thoughts

its bitter
but i dont mind,
you're oh so sweet
i can rest
finally rest
[myheadtuckedunderyourarmicantbreathe]
with honesty.
tears marring my eyes
just slightly
i dont want to let go.
now that i've finally broke free.
i dont want to lose this.
i feel
you feel-
we
this               feels so
         oh so
rare.
like glass- like beach glass
washed and rounded and smoothed
but still fragile
don't drop me
                 you
                  us
                   this


floating
just floating
just existing
my thoughts
dont need a 
trail of bread crumbs
or a string or a path at all
knowledge without thought
thought
you can't trace
content.
its fine
everything is
is
is okay.
you're my inner view
ill make you fly.


such little things
my dad
masked
cutting grass as tall as my knees
three air mattresses staked to lie on.
washing my hair 
hand-me-down-shorts
sprawling out
mosquito coils
air dried clothing you can smell the difference.






ive never had
someone
a boyfriend
as great as you.
im not looking back
for once.
for once its all now and soon and eventually.
how you found me
and why you want(ed) to keep me
escapes me.
me and my messy hair cold nature sarcastic comments vapid mind useless words needy obsessive jealous careless lazy indecisive self.
so why are you holding my hand?
why do you kiss me on the mouth in a way that calls me special and priceless?






my dad is not a cuddly man.
at times he is downright
clausterphobic
but seeing him
hold my tiny mother
while she sleeps
like its both natural and magical
warms my heart
knowing he's so uncomfortable 
even as he tries to hide his grin from me.
they love the shit out of each other.
they make each others eyes sparkle
and getting close to fifty
he'll still reach for her hand
and she fills his days with words
and silly little things.

in my past lives

i would have been a gypsy
i would have been a pirate
i would have been in paris
a grand courtesan.
i would have been in england
groomed and graceful with a wild soul
i would have been a traveling minstrel,
i would have sold birds and ribbons and tin.
i would have been a teacher
i would have been a duchess
i would have been a hippie
i would have been a poor house wife with a house on the sea
i would have been

and the living is easy

weheartit

reaching up to touch my hair

(out of habit, out of nothing)

the tips of my digits graze something

-what is that?

retracing my steps i-

oh-

its the braid 

from two nights ago

that you wove in a quiet moment

for no real anything.

you never tied it.

had i not washed it out of-

once, twice? twice.

a smile plays on my lips

funny it should be

be there 

with no fuss and bother.

just like you.

the back of my head, the back of my brain,

youre here. 

  im writing again.

my heart is happy- isnt it funny?

i thought, for so long,

that i could not be happy 

could not love anyone else but you

but look at me.

im so different.

even different than i was with you.

no i dont love him.

but i could.

i could.

life with him is possibilities

is adventure

is romance from a novel i would read.

i like him. i want him.

i needed him in my life.

i need him still.

i want to keep him around.

so thank you

for letting me go.

for missing out.

and for letting me be free.

because im not tied to you
thank god

im not bound to you like i was

and little bird found someone she wants to sing with.

what matters

i dont care about your car-
its stalling and grinding gears, its strange noises and its inability to go on the highway.
i don't care that you drive at all.
i don't care that you're in shows
and can get me into fringe plays for free
i don't care about anything like that.

in the end it doesnt matter one way or another.

in the end i care about

how you hold me hand in public
how you protect me from scary people late late at night
how you look at me and touch my face like im made out of glass
how you want to make my parents like you
how you know what i'm thinking without me having to explain it to you
how you plan dates like outdoor magic shows and climbing onto rooftops to see fireworks.
how you care so much about me its scary

thats what matters.
me and you, that's what matters