what do you feel before you take massive, possibly life changing steps?
when you make a decision thats so major, and now alls thats lefts to dos is... do it?
and youre just waiting for it to happen? or just waiting for that day to come?
how do you feel?

today i feel nervous. excited.
im in a state of anticipation where what i think i want and what i know is right for me are messed up
in a state where i cant even tell what either of those are.
you know, i made a promise to myself that i would take a certain major step towards being who i am before high school is out.
and i wonder if thats a bad thing?
but it just so happens to be working out.
which is strange.

on another note.
i have a secret. and it fills me with so much joy and love and happiness that i can't even fathom telling anyone, because knowing, and knowing how great it will be if i dont spill it, is like a huge happy bubble.
i cant wait til it overflows and bursts and i spill out balloons and puppies and rainbows and cupcakes (-->emma!)

i hear in my mind, all this music

I don't know about the future, that's all stuff and nonsense.

I'm ready for winter. I'm ready for cozy, cold nights with cups of tea. I'm ready for running through snowbanks with you. I'm ready for ice skating, and sledding, and all that winter kid stuff that I feel I'll never grow out of. Snow forts and snow men and snow ball fights and snow falls.

I was at work yesteday, and the snow was coming down in
BIG
FAT
FLAKES

and it was beautiful. I would open up the window and just stare when I had no customers. It was wonderful.
I think people at work are mostly used to me being a little bit odd.

Snow is prettiest at night.

Dear boyfriend,

as long as we both want to have one more day together,

i think this will work out.

and im almost ready to tell you what i've been scared to these past two months, and put an end to what was keeping me closed off.
(and, no readers, i am not talking about telling him i love him. come on! you know me better than that!)

I love driving in the winter, downtown. When the christmas lights are all up and sparkling, and everyone is moving so quickly...

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS BOOKS!
why does no one believe me when i say that?

favourite wintery scents:

cinnamon

cookies
mint
cloves
the smell of a scarf after you come in the from the cold.

i love christmas shopping! any one wanna go with me sometime soon? my list keeps getting longer and longer... so much for being almost done...

christmas cookies are piling up already! i'm gonna have to start giving some away. yickes! cookie avalanche!

have a wonderful sunday everyone!

i dont want to be an advertisment.

even when all the voices are screaming, i hear your whisper above the crowd

i have a lot going on this week.
i guess im always complaining about being busy.

christmas is coming! is it sad, i only want books for christmas? =) answer? of course not.
i have most of my shopping done. and i've started my baking! gingerbread, and snickerdoodles so far. any easy cookie suggestions guys and girls?

I have vocal auditions for the school musical tomorrow. It's gonna be "Chicago" so, wish me luck on my alto notes! ( =S )
Wed i have dance auditions, right after giving blood, then off i go to the university, to see a play. then i work straight til next monday. ...yippee.

dear world, im angry owl city is popular now. is that spiteful of me?


They eat out

In restaurants we argue

over which of us will pay for your funeral.

though the real question is

whether or not I will make you immortal.

At that moment only I

can do it and so

I raise the magic fork
over the plate of beef fried rice

and plunge it into your heart.
There is a faint pop, a sizzle

and through your own split head

you rise up glowing;

the celing opens
a voice sings Love Is A Many

Splendoured Thing
you hang suspended above the city

in blue tights and a red cape,
your eyes flashing in unison.

The other diners regard you
some with awe, some only with bordom:

they cannot decide if you are a new weapon
or only a new advertisement.

As for me, I continue eating;
I liked you better the way you were,
but you were always ambitious.

- Margaret Atwood

i have a phobia of eating moldy bread.

Category?

Dear Ee:

The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart

Words from Jordan:

I've been reading alot these last couple days. reading all sorts of things, things I should have read when I was a kid, things I shouldn't be reading until I'm old, things I shouldn't be reading since I'm a guy, things that have inspired me, things that have pissed me off, things that make sense but I don't agree with, things I don't understand at all, things that touch my heart.

Advice:
Love's tough. Wear a helmet.

Thought of the day:

men who read are tens - onehundred times more attractive then men who don't.

I don't understand:
Men today. You act like a jerk, then hold me and comfort me. Why.

Song of the day:
We are gonna be friends, by the white stripes

What you do
speaks so loud
that I cannot hear
what you say.

RW Emerson

this is why i live

"there are things you do because they feel right. and they may make no sense. and they may make no money. and it may be the real reason we are here: to love each other, and to eat each others cooking and say it was good"

given the chance,

i'd swallow

every work and every look

that you've let slip

whole.

as it is,

i keep your kiss

in my back pockey.

my favourite little secret.

today, i want to

braid a ribbon

into my hair.

today i want to

laugh in your

stupid love sick face.

i hold the power

and i hold you in contempt today.

alright baby.

go ahead.

and have your temper tantrum.
im not your mother.
im not your babysitter.
so go on babe.

scream and cry

pout.

because i wont flinch

unless to

walk away

and leave you to you.

A philosophy assignment

There is no God. No purpose, no meaning, no collective truth.
Why don't we all kill ourselves? Why do we are a species, continue?

I don't think these are good enough reasons to kill ourselves! There is no collective truth, but I don't find that depressing. I find that freeing! No. I find that inspiring. If there is no collective truth, then there is only individual, subjective truth. And when individuals find a common truth or a common beauty among all the chaos that a god-less world just be, then it's all the more beautiful. Design is all very well and good, but beauty from chaos is... aweinspiring. And majestic. When you look at you friend and you both laugh because of something you thought but never said, and you see their smile, and the sun shifts and the atoms all aling just right and choices are decided which lead you up to this one moment of, 'oh your eyes' of being you, and here, and me, and you and me and this.

THIS IS WHY I LIVE

Thank you Intuition

My brain is spinning
from one
perfect[ly wrong]
kiss.

Shame on me.
I know this isn't love.
Shame on me.
I know the guilt is real.

But I don't want this to go away.
But I know this isn't the same to both of us.
But I know I'm leaving so much behind

No where to go but forward.

I'm following the signs.
[thank you so much intuition]

And the signs say for me to live my life.
The signs say I should explore my options.
I should learn to trust.

And that secrets are secrets for a reason.
That if it doesn't repeat, it's not meant to be.

So although he makes me

feel
angry and elated and breathless and

beyond anything.

I'm good again.

I feel like a bird who's re-learning how to sing

my life and my heart are on fire
and im not sure what the next step is.

A response I wrote long ago to Bev's blog re: high school relationships.


Bev, I'm afraid I must disagree. High school relationships are not pointless.
I think high school is such a difficult and often sad time, that we need to get as much joy from it as possible.
I think that the more we learn and practise love, the better it will be and the more ready for it we will be when we find that right person.
And besides, how will we know the right one if we don't know the wrong ones?
I'm in a highschool relationship right now. I'm happy with him in a way that I was not before. Which is neither to say that I was not happy before, or that should things end, I'll never be happy again. The trick is keeping your grasp of reality with you at all times. On that note, I would not even say that I'm in love with him, or have even ever truly been in love with anyone.
Each relationship is differnt. Each person is different, and we ourselves are everchanging individuals. I know more about myself as time goes on and as each lover and friend comes and goes; who I am, what I want, what I need out of life, and who fits with me and where I'm going.
Relationships are about having this partnership. This (mostly) united front against the evils of the world. It's about having support. It's about giving it. Someone you can call and tell them all the things that went wrong that day, and not worry about them judging you. Some you run to, to tell them you got the part and failed the test.
Some who'll understand, or at least try. Someone who'll pick up and love the little things about you that you never even noticed yourself
[ I hold my cigarettes like a pencil, and bit my lip when I'm nervous ]
It's about having that feeling that something just works.
What;s wrong with finding happiness with someone at a young age? Everything must end, yes, but why should the future prevent a kind of joy that is so priceless now?
I can't let my fear or my assumptions of the future control my life now.
"there's no time like the present"
no, there's no time BUT the present.
The only time that exists is now.
And now?
I'm very, happy.

I hate homework

have a great day kids