My life is on fire, and it's all over the evening news

There's something about this disconnection
this freedom
this, this air
that makes me want to stand on my toes & shout to the roof tops.

There's something about seeing,
seeing all these options around me and ahead of me
that makes me breath a little easier.

I like the choices and the different people
the new ideas and the proposals brought before me.
I love the most, the fact that I can pick whatever I want.
That with all these options, I can be and do whatever I want

Stay or go.
Stay or go.
With or Not-With.

I miss my old friends.
The friends I met at IMC I haven't seen for a while
& the friends from when I was 12 that I haven't seen since then.

I miss the past.
I do.

But that doesn't control me.
I miss the past but I'm already in it's future.

I'm already in the future.
How odd to think about.

That this present is yesterday's future.

"Meditate on it."
It's my new philosophy.

Why am i so stupid

I hear

You say you're sorry
but not to me.

You send a messanger

"I miss you, I'm sorry"

Well if you miss me
if you're really sorry,
then tell me.
Call me up
& see if I'm ready to talk about it.
To talk to you.

I know you're asking 'bout me, but i don't wanna sink no more.

I hear you're really hurting now
over this or that, I can't be sure.

I hear you say you're sorry
but you still say it's my fault.

I bought a new red jacket today, & I've stopped wearing your sweater.

I want my notebook back still.

I hear you're alienating people.
That they can't stand to listen to you bitch.
That they hate how you look through them.
How you insult them.
How you've replaced them.

I hear you haven't changed at all.
That you haven't learned anything since I walked away from you.

I hear you say you miss me.
I miss you too,
I won't try to deny it.

But I cannot say I'm sorry.
I cannot say if I even know if I'm ready to listen to you try to explain yourself.

But I hear that you say you're sorry & you miss me.

So here I am letting you know.

I hear you.

Tom's a dear

"and WHAT were you doing with an 18 year old?!"

"eh? what am i doing with an 18 year old? what's that supposed to mean?"

"lol, well...i dont know, I guess... wow, i sounded...like an old man there"

"you sounded like... a brother. it was cute. no, what did you mean by that? im not all that young and innocent tom. 18 is not too far away from me."

"I know, i just...forget that were older than we were when we met, thats all."

"aw tom. you're wonderful. :)"




Look at that.
We're older now.
How odd.

This somehow makes my bad decisions more acceptable.
Marvelous

& One day
you'll look up from your music
& your mirror & your hands.
From my stolen notebooks.

& One day
you'll look up & look around.
& Say,
"Huh"

"Huh"
you'll say.
"Huh, I wonder where she went?"

& that day, you won't miss me.
I know.

Not that day.

But one day...

My Ocean

To see an ocean in your dream, represents the state of your emotions and feelings. It is indicative of some spiritual refreshment, tranquility and renewal.

To dream that you are traveling across the ocean, signifies new found freedom and independence. You are showing great courage.

Why wait?; Yourself?; Grad?; Smile?; Ocean?

What are you waiting for?

*

Are you afraid of not being original?
Because in that

you aren't defending who you are

you pass it off

you apoligize.

and that makes me sad dear.

*

I'm going to grad with my friend Steven.
His grad.

I'm not old enough to graduate yet.
I'm kind of excited.
As much as I usually hate things like those.
Although,
I might have to wear a dress.

...Uh Oh
I'm not girly.
I cannot do girly.
Well,
Maybe I'll wear a tux and he can wear the fucking dress.
Ha.
I think I'll ask him about that.

*

Ladies and Gents,
It's just a down day.
Somehow I can't seem to keep the corners of my mouth up.
Hard as everyone is trying to cheer me up.

*

I keep having dreams about the Ocean
I wonder why that is.
I wake up wanting to smell the salt
and feel how cold the air is
I wake up wanting to dive into the ocean.
And it's not there.

Maybe it's time to slow things down
In a few ways.

I think I'm pushing too hard to make too many things happen for me at once
and burning myself out in the process.
Maybe I do need to drop something
so i have time to just...
be me.
and not this big ball of stress and anger and tears i've been turning into lately.
but there's nothing im willing to drop.
so im stuck.

seriously, would it be so bad if i dropped vocal jazz, or chamber choir, or the play, or the newspaper?

Yeah. Yeah it would.

But something needs to be done.

My parents are thinking about stepping in and making me drop something.
They can't stand watching me leave at 74oam and coming home at 8 at night only to plop down with a text book or a notebook or some other assignment I have to do and then worry about getting the layout of the newspaper done soon and then go to bed without them seeing me eat a meal or stop to breath.

Sure I have my days off.
But one every two weeks isn't cutting it.

I had such a bad headache i went home during Choir of all classes yesterday

So really, something must be done.

What'll it be kids?



On a more positive note,
I got published again!
weee!

Huh. Is that right.

So stay, Janine
And we can glide along
I've caught your wings for laughs
I'm not obliged to read you statements of the year
So take your glasses offA
nd don't act so sincere
Janine, Janine, you'd like to know me well
But I've got things inside my head
That even I can't face



huh

At my house

Politics is taboo
because my father is a Center right
my sister is a Right
my mum is a left
and I'm a center right/right.

The battle between us is all in good fun
until my mum hops in
which is still fun
until she gets all extremeist on us.


I don't like stating my opinions to my parents sometimes because they always grill me on them so much that it unnerves me.
That one isnot their fault, it's my lack of conviction.


I remember once when I told my mother I do not believe in capital punishment.
(She does.)
Her and I battled it out
until she started yelling at me about a boy who was forced to bite the curb while other people stomped on him, and that those people deserved to die
(I was 11)
I ran off crying and holding my hands over my ears and went into my room.
My mother came in and told it to me again until i screamed STOP IT and she left.


I remember throwing something at someone once because they would not listen to my opinion.

My whole family is extremists.

I love them.

I love my mother and her extreme ideas
she's a wonderful person and her ideas are baised on fact.

Which I find to be important and i respect.

I can't stand when people have an opinion about something but don't know why.
When they says "my whole family is conservative so I am too"
and they have no clue the platform or the belief system
or anything.

my extremist family has taught me to accept others opinions
and to base my own on logic, intuition, and fact.
&, how to stick to what i believe.
how to stand up for it.

thank you guys. love ya lots.
(stupid conservative minority goverment)