My new dream bedroom.
This makes me smile
Fucking ephalents :)
I miss summer
Eloquent and true
And I can push you off as much as I like
but in the end,
a brave face is what does me in.
it's facing my demons head on
that gets me fucked.
that gets me broken and empty.
it's saying
'let's get this over with'
that will lead me into the future
that i don't want.
it's snowing
but i feel it like a heavy rain
i feel it like a thick fog.
i get up in the middle of the night
bring a blanket,
turn on the bathroom lights,
and fan,
and lock the door.
i sleep in the tub,
i sleep with my eyes wide open.
i sleep inside a different skin.
i live inside the tub
while my body goes through each day with you.
while my body lets you hold me...
i stay safe in the tub
counting my fingers
my toes
all my scars;
two on the face, one on my foot...
countless more on arms and legs and a couple on my hand.
the birthmark no one's seen but me
and my turned in pinky toe.
my backwards elbows.
i take stock.
am i all here?
if my sister didn't claim it,
i would probably want to draw more
Aching to pupate
Aching to pup-p-p-pate...
Pu-pupate, pu pate,
Pu-pate, pu-pupate, pu pa-ate…
I should peddle butterflies
There's a shortage in the city
I'll stand on a street corner
All mysterious and giddy
When the passers-by pass by
I will open up my trenchcoat
They will see the butterflies
Dangling like fake rolexes
Every morning i'll wake up
With a purpose and a smirk
I'll put on my fake moustache
I'll drink heineken, eat cornflakes
Then i'll call my mom and dad
Tell them that i'm doing fine
Or i'll write a tipsy letter
To a real good friend of mine
Or i'll jump up on the bed
Waltzing madly with the broomstick
But before i leave the house
I will fill my lips with lipstick
But peddling is a dirty sport
There's competition in the city
Everyone is on a street corner
All mysterious and giddy
Some are selling bags and shoes
Some are selling books and gold
I've been standing here for days
Not one butterfly's been sold
And how i'm aching to pupate...
Aching to pup-p-p-pate
Pu-pu-pate, pupate,
Pupate, pu-pu-pate, pu pa-ate
-Regina Spektor
I want to be out of winter
I want to be outside and alone
or outside and with everyone
I want to be camping in the peace gardens
I want to be sleeping on your chest under the stars
because i miss feeling that closeness with another person
I miss being able to lay with someone
with no expectations
of what they think
or what it means
or what tomorrow will bring
what so and so would think of this
what i think of this.
nothing.
i miss just feeling close.
I miss walking the streets downtown and talking to you
or to strangers
or to myself.
I want to live alone deep in the city.
I want to live in a brand new house in suburbia with seven or eight friends.
I want so much
and, I want nothing.
& i would trade it all to have you back here with me.
Once upon a time
there was a girl.
She was...
a girl.
She didn't know what she wanted
She didn't like change
unless she met it like an old friend,
which, today, she is.
I can't deal with Ee leaving. I really, really cannot.
Today is my last day with her.
Why does it have to be like this?
it's not fair. at all.
I cried so hard last night. bawled.
my eyes today? crap.
so puffy.
Dear. Eeee.
Darling Eee.
Come back soon.
Come back soon.
I can't take this town without you.
I can't take the world on with that ferocity we've all become accostomed to finding in me.
I shortened my name to one letter in mourning for you.
Remember?
Does this make me stupid?
I'm torn up to an extreme point.
its' like losing a part of myself.
its worse, was worse,
than when i lost Duckie.
I swear.
Because that was neccissary
and this is not.
Come back soon.
My adopted sister
My hearts brother
My better half.
Everyone's talking about how hard H's going to take this.
Because she's a crier.
i love her. we love her. she loves us.
but last night i knew i had it worse.
i felt like i was going to turn myself inside out.
for you and for others,
but i knew i couldn't take this
any of this without you
You always tell me to smile
"come on 'nin"
But don't you know, that's all I can do.
Because I'm the strong one.
I'm the rock. I'm the one who needs to smile
and laugh
and make sure everyone stays alright.
I can't cry in school like Hannah.
I can't.
I have to hold it in until i feel like i'm going to burst
and then i go home and lock my door and cry to Ee and Maj over the phone
But the next day the only way you can tell is the bags under my eyes.
"Just like St.Francis, the little birds came. Lonely, for a little warmth. You give them your music , but they just want a song. Oh no, I'll never learn."
The next day i'll be smiling. My hair will be messy and wild. My eyes will be open, my mouth will be smiling. I'll be dancing and singing as much as ever.
I'll be writing and hugging and making everyone else laugh
because that's what I do.
But when night comes, and i hurt so bad i can't move,
where is my strong one?
You.
You are my strong one, & I am yours.
And how can I get by without the tree my roots are entangled in?
How can transplantation happen without destroying me?
How I can I do this without you?
I can't take over the world without you.
I can't go through every day knowing you should be here, and aren't.
I can't flip through memories without knowing I've been cheated,
you've been cheated.
life's a cheat.
And you're going to leave and change and be this big person,
be a rebel
"test your limits"
and i can't wait for you.
i want nothing more than for you to grow, for you to be happy.
I want nothing more.
be why can't you just stay here and do it?
This turned into a really long piece.
Sorry kids.
I had a big angst attack.
I'll be better soon (:
Ps.
I'm at school.
it's 11am.
and tom is coming to pick me up at 3ish if he can get the car! (:
i haven't seen him in 7 months.
i can't believe we're still so close,
if not closer.
I wished I was smarter
I wished I was stronger
I wished I loved Jesus
The way the my wife does
I wished it'd been easier
Instead of any longer
I wished I could've stood
Where you would've been proud
That won't happen now
That won't happen now
There's a whole lot of singing
That's never gonna be heard
Disppearing every day
Without so much as a word somehow
Think I broke the wings
Off that little songbird
She's never gonna fly
To the top of the world
Right now
Top of the world
I don't have to answer
Any of these questions
Don't have no god to
Teach me no lessons
I come home in the evening
Sit in my chair
One night they called me for supper
But I never got up
I stayed right there
In my chair
There's a whole lot of singing
That's never gonna be heard
Disappearing every day
Without so much as a word somehow
I think I broke the wings
Off a little songbird
She's never gonna fly
To the top of the world
Right now
I wished I'd had known you
Wished I had shown you
All of the things
I Was on the inside
I'd pretend to be sleeping
When you'd come in, in the morning
To whisper goodbye
Go to work in the rain
I don't know why
Don't know why
Cause everyone's singing
We just wanna be heard
Disappearing every day
Without so much as a word somehow
Wanna grab a hold
Of that little songbird
Take her for a ride
To the top of the world
Right now
Top of the world
Some poetry from recently. A rather grab bag of thoughts and feelings. Some are real things I'm feelings. Most are fiction.
If you love me,
won't you let me know?
cause this silence is killing me.
We were a one man band on
a New York street corner.
Scratch. Two man band, sharing
one set of instruments.
We were painters on a sidewalk
we were theater manager's
we rang bells are 4am
if you love me
please just let me know
if i could scream or silence for you
i would.
if leaving this was possible,
i would've. i would still.
It's so hard to get you to feel me.
It's so hard to lie here in your arms,
open to you.
You just lie there
holding me.
Monster.
Kissing my lips.
Monster
taking my hands.
Monster,
doesn't see me.
I'm kicking and screaming
against your body
I'm hearing your murmur
it's alright
to my muffled screams.
And you lie there
holding me down.
Monster.
Stealing a kiss.
Monster.
Gripping my hands.
Monster.
Doesn't see me.
Hear her,
in that delicate
soprano voice
swearing in song
and singing of voids.
Even her voice lies to you,
though her words speak truth.
You see the colour of her lips,
not the frown.
The shape of her eyes
not the wall behind them.
And you see the white
fragility of her hands
not them pushing you away.
I close my mind and see him asking for truth,
and her reminding me how it really is.
Lies to myself are still lies.
Maybe more powerful ones.
I can't deny this anymore.
I can't choose to look away.
I never wanted to say those words, not even to myself.
_____'_ _______ ____.
Your heart
under my ear.
Says nothing.
My heart in your teeth,
says it all.
Your heart in my hands
is warm.
And as we mesh and tangle,
as we cross and uncross,
and try to untangle the mess we made,
our hearts in unison.
Our hearts are in chorus,
saying,
"this is the only way it should be"
There's a fire in your eyes,
and I hope you let it burn.
Why I haven't been blogging much:
Those of you who remember my new year promises,
recall the 'finish a novel one'?
I'm working on it.
i know that I'm 16, I'm young, I'm inexperienced,
but what better reasons to write one?
this is how I'll learn.
my main character, much to my dismay, is named George.
forgive me, i didn't want that name. he just told me so. i tried changing it, but changing the name changed him. i fought this battle for many days, with Ee by my side in spirit and cell phone, trying to coax a new name out of him.
End result was frustration on my part, and victory in his.
George, being my first important main character, my first character I am actually paying attention to, is consuming my time. You may find me slightly obsessed with him. I have a book dedicated to his story. A sketch pad to what he looks like, why he looks like that. another book for questions I have, and the few answers i get.
"would he be different if his job was any different?" yes of course he would be, but how..?
"does he like houseplants?"
"do his kids look like him? if not, does that bother him at all?"
"he bowls. why?"
"does he smoke? did he ever? why is he an alcoholic?"
etc.
You can be certain to hear from me and George on a fairly regular basis. For now, I'll give you a little piece of what I've written.
Bar Song.
-Having spent the time it took him to get from his office to here, with his head firmly down, and his brain occupied with his phone call, he neglected to look to see if the door he has opening and thusly walked into, was indeed the correct one.
Apparently, it was not.
"Don, I'm going to have to call you back"
"Sure George, don't forget Monday."
Without bothering to acknowledge the reminder, George snapped his phone shut and looked around.
The lights were not so harsh on his eyes, now that the shock from the grey day outside sudden;y being replaced was gone.
First was the realization of where he wasn't.
Then, the shock of where he had ended up.
This was not Jack's bar, his usual Tuesday haunt for after work pre-happy hour drinks.
This wasn't any bar.
There wasn't any alcohol here at all.
This was a flower shop.
Somehow, in his preoccupied state, his feet and lead him to her; to the last place he felt capable of being.
Week at a glance:
Tuesday. Easy day. Going to be very cold, so it's possible few people will be at school. Have to finish my math, &my lit responce. newspaper meeting.
Wed. Short day. Not much going on. After school, mall with E and H. Then they go home but i go to work.
Thursday? Do I work? Do I not? Does life hate me?
Friday? If I dont work thursday, i work here. If I don't work here, then ehch and ee are gonna come over (maybe i should inform them)
Saturday. Work the afternoon/evening shift. Afterwards I believe the imc kiddies are getting together somewhere fun to do something fun.
Sunday. Morning devoted to cleaning and reading. Afternoon to homework, eveing to coffee with Paul-ee-o.
Not a bad week if you ask me.
Let go?
I might be without a job soon...
PINK!
I have steaked my hair red. Well, it was supposed to be red. It's kinda red/pink. Oppsie :D
Oh well. i like it. why not huh?
"I'm gonna do what I want to, and I wanna dye my hair blue"
Just found out they're premanent.
ohhhh dear....
xD
oppsie.. again.
This year I had decided to take up the guitar again
and to try to learn piano.
to finish a novel (good or bad)
and to drink more water.
I feel ambitious, but also unproductive. I have taken no steps towards any of those yet. Well, perhaps the first one.
Ee leaves in 13 days.
I don't think I can take it.
