When i feel any truth, it's then. Bye bye my lover. First I breathe in then out again.

Once upon a time
there was a girl.
She was...
a girl.
She didn't know what she wanted
She didn't like change
unless she met it like an old friend,
which, today, she is.


I can't deal with Ee leaving. I really, really cannot.
Today is my last day with her.
Why does it have to be like this?
it's not fair. at all.
I cried so hard last night. bawled.
my eyes today? crap.
so puffy.


Dear. Eeee.
Darling Eee.
Come back soon.
Come back soon.
I can't take this town without you.
I can't take the world on with that ferocity we've all become accostomed to finding in me.
I shortened my name to one letter in mourning for you.
Remember?
Does this make me stupid?
I'm torn up to an extreme point.
its' like losing a part of myself.
its worse, was worse,
than when i lost Duckie.
I swear.
Because that was neccissary
and this is not.
Come back soon.
My adopted sister
My hearts brother
My better half.

Everyone's talking about how hard H's going to take this.
Because she's a crier.
i love her. we love her. she loves us.
but last night i knew i had it worse.
i felt like i was going to turn myself inside out.
for you and for others,
but i knew i couldn't take this
any of this without you

You always tell me to smile
"come on 'nin"
But don't you know, that's all I can do.
Because I'm the strong one.
I'm the rock. I'm the one who needs to smile
and laugh
and make sure everyone stays alright.
I can't cry in school like Hannah.
I can't.
I have to hold it in until i feel like i'm going to burst
and then i go home and lock my door and cry to Ee and Maj over the phone
But the next day the only way you can tell is the bags under my eyes.
"Just like St.Francis, the little birds came. Lonely, for a little warmth. You give them your music , but they just want a song. Oh no, I'll never learn."
The next day i'll be smiling. My hair will be messy and wild. My eyes will be open, my mouth will be smiling. I'll be dancing and singing as much as ever.
I'll be writing and hugging and making everyone else laugh
because that's what I do.
But when night comes, and i hurt so bad i can't move,
where is my strong one?
You.
You are my strong one, & I am yours.
And how can I get by without the tree my roots are entangled in?
How can transplantation happen without destroying me?
How I can I do this without you?
I can't take over the world without you.
I can't go through every day knowing you should be here, and aren't.
I can't flip through memories without knowing I've been cheated,
you've been cheated.
life's a cheat.
And you're going to leave and change and be this big person,
be a rebel
"test your limits"
and i can't wait for you.
i want nothing more than for you to grow, for you to be happy.
I want nothing more.
be why can't you just stay here and do it?

This turned into a really long piece.
Sorry kids.
I had a big angst attack.
I'll be better soon (:

Ps.
I'm at school.
it's 11am.
and tom is coming to pick me up at 3ish if he can get the car! (:
i haven't seen him in 7 months.
i can't believe we're still so close,
if not closer.