IT'S ALMOST FUNNY
HOW WELL I WAS DECIEVED
BY MYSELF AND YOU
INTO THINKING YOU CARED
AND THAT THIS ACTUALLY MATTERED

Bar Song Three

Using your blanket as a thermos,
what a way to keep your blood warm.
Fresh for the picking.
I am DARK today.
It's what I wear well this evening.
I don't claim to love the colour.
Using my glass of water
as a sort of rebirth,
drinking as if I intend to drown myself;
which is likely, the path I am heading down.
Is it possibly for a body to reject perfectly clean water?
It might be.
What you do if I told you today,
that I have the beginnning of what could
eventually being to be
a feeling of love for you? What would you do?
Would you come to me,
rip off my dark?
Would we sit in silence,
and gather it around us
and cook?
Joke's on you,
you have me.


Bar song

Thus was his astonishment to find himself facing not burly Jack behind a counter, but the women in pink, arranging flowers.
Upon the action of snapping his phone closed, she looked up from her yellow and red tulips and smiled.
"Hi there."
George stares, very much still lost.
Silence follows.
"Can I help you sir?"
In a desperate attempt to say something, anything, right now, George opened his mouth and loudly stated,
"You're not Jack."
The young brunette looked at him for a beat, then laughed, a good full laugh of one who enjoys the practise.
This jerked George awake. He gave a lopsided grin, and declared
"I would like to purchase some flowers"
Again the women laughed, which disconcerted George. He saw nothing funny in his statement. Frantically, he scanned the store and grabbed a bouquet at random.
Minutes later, he was on his way home, Jack's Bar forgotten, clutching his prize.
Upon arriving home, handing his wife the flowers, kissing her duitifully on the cheekm abd dropping himself into his chair in his den, he had his first coherent thought.
"She must be 25."

Park the car, drop the phone, sleep on the floor, dream of me.

Good morning, and happy time change everyone!

What is it about Sunday Morning's that just make you want to sing? It's a grey grey damp day outside. No more than -9 outside, and yet I want to hug the sky as I look out my kitchen window, with a mug of coffee in my hand.
Sometimes TheCityILiveIn drives me insane, but today, I don't know. I'm very at peace with it.
I don't want to to change a single thing.
I don't want you to change a single thing.

When I look into your eyes, I can see a love restrained. And darling, when I hold you, don't you know I feel the same?

I think I'll paint my toenail's purple today. Or maybe red.
This morning was not very productive for me. I had some coffee. Some water. I watched my sister play video games. I played them with her. I texted Ee, who seems to be having the same sort of thoughts as I am today.

And if you want to love me, than darling don't refrain

Every weekend I assign myself a project.
As I purchased a new binder, and two new notebooks on friday, I am almost done copying all my bio notes into one notebook, so they are all in one place. And there are a lot of notes to copy. I've done 12 pages, and still have another unit to go. Sheesh.

There is something about LipSmackers. The taste of them, the smell of them, the feel of them, that makes me feel very sentimental. I put them on and feel so young again. Especially the Wild Raspberry one. I used to use that one all the time. One friday, on a whim, I purchased eight LipSmackers. I haven't worn them since I was... 12? I bought Vanilla, Mango, Cotton Candy, Kiwi, Tropical Punch, Wild Raspberry, Watermelon, and Strawberry. I like the watermelon one the best :)

(happy birthday tomasz! i'm glad we exist!)

What makes you feel young?

You're sad because you're sad.

It's psychic. It's the age. It's chemical.

Go see a shrink or take a pill,

or hug your sadness like an eyeless doll

you need to sleep.

Well, all children are sad

but some get over it.

Count your blessings. Better than that,

buy a hat. Buy a coat or pet.

Take up dancing to forget.

Forget what?

Your sadness, your shadow,

whatever it was that was done to you

the day of the lawn party

when you came inside flushed with the sun,

your mouth sulky with sugar,

in your new dress with the ribbon

and the ice-cream smear,

and said to yourself in the bathroom,

I am not the favorite child.

My darling, when it comes

right down to it

and the light fails and the fog rolls in

and you're trapped in your overturned body

under a blanket or burning car,

and the red flame is seeping out of you

and igniting the tarmac beside you head

or else the floor, or else the pillow,

none of us is;

or else we all are.

Margaret Atwood

Friend came and visited me during my spare yesterday.
that made me happy. :)


Writing is just not really happening for me lately.


I feel better. Not so sick anymore. Just coughing a little still.


I'll write more later.

All I want is a glass of water...

Sick!
truely, there is nothing at all like lying in bed, too weak to go get a glass of water. Really.
I'm sure you guys don't want to hear about how disgusting and awful i am right now. But here's the run down.

1. Coughing, which makes my throat feel like its about to rupture and bleed, and then I taste salt. ODD.
2. Can't really breath. Very stuffy but nose is not running. Ah, life.
3. Fever. I was so delirious the other night, barely coherent
4. WEAK. At 2am I tried to walk to my kitchen to get water, and fell. And just sat there for 10 minutes til I could get up again. AHA
5. Sleepy. But that comes as a side effect I suppose. Not really a symptom, but I've fallen asleep in the middle of doing so many things, including eatting.



Not sure if I have mentioned this, but three weeks ago I hurt my foot.
It's still swollen.
Uhoh.
So i went to the walk in for the second time today. And the doctor looked at my foot and said "huh. its maybe not broken" -for the second time
lovely.
So i got a "boot" - a walking cast. evil giant, and (thankfully) removable thing.
And got booked for a bone scan. Wow. Not looking forward to it. At all.
But let's just NOT get into me and my giant issue with Hospitals and Clinics and whatver
(aint it funny me mum's a nurse eh?)


What are some things that really make you angry?
Personally, for me?
Abusive partners, rapists, and petos.
They're just an awful breed of people...
I'm sorry. But I can't stand them. I have massive problems with them.
They're disgusting. Just... horrible

Oh, it's wonderful
to get out of bed
drink too much coffee
smoke too many cigerettes
and love you so damn much.

→It's important to understand what I mean when I post these. They're simply beautiful. It's important that you believe me when I promise that love isn't something I'm ready for, not something I'd be willing it accept quite yet. It's important to understand that when your heart gets broken, it stay bruised long after it get put back together. It's important to understand that while it's not fair, it's so hard to trust someone after anyone has ruined it for you. You need to understand how important you are to me, and how I couldn't stand it if that went away or was ruined. It's important that I feel safe with you, because I do. It's important to understand that I can imagine myself smiling for you, just for you. It's important to understand how much that scares me, with is important.

I'm still alive (A poetry sort of day)

& It'll be fine,
lover of mine,
It'll be just fine.
I'll just hold you
rub your back,
pretty as you please,
until you're alright.
Then I'll take my leave.

I had a dream I was flying
& I could clearly see
everything I've wanted

so close at hand
oh, it's alright
flying.

i can't think of things

to write down

my fingertips are moving faster

than this mind of mine.
I'd never had someone hold my hand like-

Well I bet you say that to all the girls

I can sing that song so well
I can hold your hand right back

But I won't.
Because you aren't safe.
Because you aren't safe from me
(Because we matter to each other)

Help me kill the

fear

of the emptiness I hide
Stay by my side
Help me fill up

these spaces.
If I should fall,
then make sure
I learn how to hit
ground well.
Pride's all I have,
& now that he left it
bruised,
It's more precious than ever.
Touch me,

but lightly.
& don't let your hands

stray a breath.
I can't take more of that kind of pain.

Excitement bubble up inside me,
It's like I drank a bottle of champagne,
as your kiss make me close my eyes
to the harsh sights and sounds the world is offering tonight.
As your hand touches mine

all the world slants and shifts

and all the words on the tip of my tripping tongue
stall
strangle

shiver
& fade into
U S E L E S S N E S S

nothing in the world compares
to the feelings of confusion
and surprised joy

that you give me.
Every time I see those lips,

for the rest of my life,
I'll taste you-
Coffee, and minty gum,

and your own special taste, like spicy chocolate.
Tonight I'll borrow your arms & chest
as a pillow and blanket.
& I'll listen to that heartbeat of yours,

that tell me,

I'm still alive

Water; Winter; Future

Last night
after i accidently hung up on you,
and went on a heroic journey to get a glass of water,
you said youd call me back after you made food.
Lo and behold, two minutes later,
"Text me. I'm going to make grilled cheese and I want your company in some form =P"
Well.
Looky there.



Has it been a good winter for everyone?
I think I've enjoyed it.
I can sense it coming to an end.
Last night it snowed. I went for a walk. I intended to take pictures, so I brought my camera. My hands were too cold though, so I never ended up doing so.
Trying to cross the tracks, and the wide area of just snowy field that seperates it from the road, I fell down.
Opps.
It was cold. Very cold. I just lay there on my back. "Snow is quite comfortable, really." I said to myself.
A car drove by. I waved at it, still on my back.
I think a few seconds.
Then make a snow angel.
It was lovely.
When was the last time you made a snow angel?

Although, once I was done, I realized I lost my phone.
Back into the snow bank I go, digging until i find it.


I don't know what I want to do in life. (Emma your posts are mirroring mine! Or vis versa)
WHY do they make us decide what we want to do with the rest of our lives at the age of 16?! Why?
I'm trying to pick my courses out for grade 12, all the time keeping in mind what will get me into university.
There isn't even enough room in my timetable for everything I want/need.
I wanted : All four englishs, world issues, western civ, phych, philosiphy, choir, drama, bio, gym, and journalism/newspaper.
What am I probably ending up with? Two englishs, philos, choir, drama, bio, gym.
I'm YOUNG! How can I possibly know what I want to do in life?! I want everything! That's the curse of youth, right?
I want it all.
I'm scared. How can they expect me to know exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life?! It's not fair! I want to cook, and sing, and act, and write, and teach, and study politics, history, pychology, philosiphy! I want to TRAVEL! I want to learn to speak Italian better! I want to learn to speak arabic beyond the two words I know!
How can we know what we want, before we are even legal adults, huh? How is THAT fair?
I'm not allowed to vote, but I MUST know EXACTLY what I want?
Really, I want to take a year off. Just one year.
One year to travel and get a taste of life. One little year to TRY to get to know myself, how I am, what I want.

Goodnight trouble, goodnight

"But don't you dare profess to love me
when you're lying with another,
that's not love, that's just wishing.
Wish, and Love, are not the same things."

There once was a girl,

a little silly girl,

there once was a girl.

She wanted to run,

wanted so to run away,

she wanted to run.

She sang songs of freedom,

sang mad, large songs of freedom,

she sang songs of freedom

Trapped inside his fist,

so inclosed and trapped in his fist,

she was trapped inside his fist.

Life without love,

love or romance,

life without love.

No one's died from lack of love

lack of water, not lack of love.
No one's died from lack of love.

Love was the prayers she made,

romance and love, her water and her prayers,

Love was the praryers she made.

Oscars? Not fun. I'm not even sure why I watched it.

I'm pleased with the best male actor in a leading role pick; Sean Penn.
End of story.

Every night lately, I feel just so restless.
But, I've had only one nightmare in the past week.
I wondered allowed to a friend what had changed.
I didn't like the responce very much.

Listening to music

to drive away the demons,

late at night,

I thought of you.
Twirling the image of you

around my little finger,

like a curl of hair,
I wondered what to do.
Looking around from my trance,
I see a picture on my phone,

that wasn't there before.
You calling me at this late hour,

because you thought of me too.
What to do,

but stare at the phone stupidly,

til you give up?
What to do?
But call you back and whisper hello.
What else to do,

but listen to eachothers breathing

and occasional sobs,

til sleep comes,

or the sun rises,

and the demons are gone

Dress-y dress-y dress dress

When I said goodbye I meant it dear,
what is it with the people in my life who can't let it go?
I can look you in the eye today,
knowing we're in two different spots.
I can't look at your chin even,
when you tell me my beauty shines,
all the while knowing how that makes me feel.
When you tell me what bad shape you're in,
how am I supposed to feel?


Tears on a borrowed bed,
between walls that are painted
somebody else's red.
When you hear me cry out,
you hold my mouth and say
"It's alright love, you're in good hands"
Sinister, without a single sound.
Hide my face, so you dont see the drops
fall down.
You see me running, you grab my arm and bruise
"It's alright love, you're in good hands"


Dear Friend,
You know I'll always be there.
You know that I am sarcastic and rude and harsh and unsentimental and unromantic and brutally honest.
And you know that I'll put that all aside for you.
Because I know you need me tonight.
Tonight I'll be human for you.
You make me feel more human than I ever have.


I found it.
I found my dress.

Sorry to disappoint everyone who voted

for dress number one, but i looked at the only size it came in,

and it was much too small at the waist!

I was very disappointed myself too. T

he dress has to be taken in a bit,

so it will fit a little better than shown in the pictures.

I bought it at CK LY Bridals, and for those wondering;

No, it wasnt that expensive.
Yes, the sales people were very helpful

and sweet! They asked what i like, talked to me,

tried to get to know my personality,

and then ran around bringing me dresses

in colours they thought looked good in me,

and in cuts they liked, etc.
Took pictures,

helped me accersorize, whatever.
And it only took me two hours!
For all the girls out there who know, yay!
For those men and other girls, two hours is SHORT trying to find a grad dress!

Kate's in town tonight.
Can't wait to see her.
:)