lots of little thoughts

Zac and I are gonna do something this newyearseve.

not sure what yet.

im not really the party kind of a person. it's just not my thing.

I have successfully names all my electronics.

iPod: Energy, but also known as Ike
phone: Eric

camera: Pip

Computer: Lila (Lie-lah)

met up with an old friend today.

i had forgotten how much i had missed her until then.

Steven said a pole

My mind is everywhere today.

My sister is home and that makes me happy.
But don't tell her.

Oh please don't let there be something wrong.
but,

maybe,

its easier if there is?

I love sunny delight

and my big packet of crayons

I miss writing poetry

All the kids are poets now.
Can you hear their minds
growling.
Growling
with the hunger and anticipation
we've come to associate
with wolves these days?

Yes,
The kids are all
wolves now.
With pens and paper
for teeth and claw

And minds...
and minds...

Minds more dangerous than both.

i love pomegranate and recycling

Christmas has come and gone

I worked Christmas eve. and today, boxing day.

Christmas eve i made a point to wish everyone a merry Christmas.

today i spent my shift marking down items and re-arranging my store so it no longer looks warm and christmasy.
it feels cold and sad now.

To those who follow my blog and recall, I had a post about an elderly couple who came in. The old lady talking about citrus peels, and the old man using such eloquent language.
To those who recall,
my manager told me on Christmas eve, after i had served them, that they are banned from the store.
Apparently the women once got angry because the ice cream she bought was frozen yogurt, and proceeded to dump it on the floor, smoosh it with her foot, soon after which a man slipped on it and broke something.

I was saddened by this.

I got an iPod from my sister, who is BC finally
(another post will be dedicated to her adventures getting there)
and a camera from my mother.

However, my highlights were not those, although they are wonderful and extravagant.
My father, bought me a pair of earrings.
That in itself is odd enough, my father does not shop often, its mostly up to my mum.
These earrings ( i am wearing them now) are made of recycled metal, and look like little men wearing shorts.
My father knew exactly how much i would love them, for the green factor, and really, because they are so darn cute.

My sister, also bought me a tree.
Yes, a tree.
A Pomegranate tree.
It will grow in my room. It'll be 5 feet tall when its mature, and flower, then give me actual fruit.
How. Fucking. Cool.
Excuse my language.

I asked Steven a question today.
"A man walks into a bar, but it isn't a bar. What is it?"
Give me your answers. I'll post his and mine something before the end of the month

Post #100

Today:
We had a Christmas lunch.

My father, my mother, my sister and me. Add in my sister and my boyfriend's and that equals a house too full and some silly times.

It wasn't as bad as my sis and i had anticipated. Everyone got on really well.

We had our Christmas lunch today because-

Tomorrow:
My sister is hopping a plane and going to BC

to visit our grandmother.

No one else is going, we couldn't get the time off work.
I'll miss her, I'll admit it.
This year I work, so I got her a man made sapphire necklace, with little diamonds around the sapphire, on a silver chain.

It looks gorgeous with her hair and eyes and skin tone, if I do say so myself.

I'll miss my sister.

Awaking up Christmas morning will be weird without A,

complaining about how early the rest of us are up, making tea,

cuddling whatever fuzzy clothing my mother got us

(this year it's socks. Fuzzy toe socks and regular but stripy ones)

Grinning as everyone else opens up their presents

and showing little emotion when she opens hers.

Demanding I make cinnamon buns as it is tradition.

And Complaining about the waste of paper.

Merry Christmas A.

I know you'll love being in Vancouver Island for the holidays.

Recently:

Ee, my wonderful dearest best friend,

whom is so high on the totem pole,

got me a Christmas gift.

It's a beautiful notebook,

and we are going to be sending it back and forth

between Calgary and here.
My present to her was a gold iPod nano, 4g.

Gold for me as a who,

gold for GC,

and gold for dreams.

Mine cost more,

but her gift is better.

I wanted to get her something to remember me by,

and she got something that insured we wouldn't forget.

She says she feels cheap.
I say I feel materialistic and silly.

Question:
If I wanted it,

but not from that person;

If i thought I wanted it

but thenwhen I got it i didnt;

if i wanted to stop but...

is it my fault?

or the other persons?

or both?
Am I stupid for thinking that I could have changed what was already in the process? Am I so naive as to think that person would be okay with it? Am I so god damn fucking idiotic that I would accept a no for an answer when I know that what I need is not a no but an, okay whatever youre comfortable with? Is it my fault still?
Is it?
I don't know.

I miss Seussical, but i refuse to write about it.

i like seussical, i like the people.

sad its over, happy it happened.

thanks for the memories everyone.

Happy One Hundreth Post.

Thanks to those who read me.

Dear Paul

I'd never tell you this in person,
but when you called me a 2000 watt bulb,
i almost cryed right then and there.

thanks.
coffee soon, eh?

Flypaper

She decided to free

herself, dance into the

wind, create a new

language. And birds

fluttered around

her, writing "yes"
in the sky.

I reseved an award. How lovely. Thank you

"This blog invests and believes in the PROXIMITY-nearness in space, time and relationships. These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement! Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers! Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this clever-written text into the body of their award."

Well I pick only one today.
Darling M.


So lets see.... my life right now...
As many of you know, my best friend is moving to another province.
I've known about it for months, but we've been carefully and steadily ignoring it.
"We have 3 months"
"We have 2 months"
"We still have one more month"
We have a matter of weeks or days.

I dont want her to go.
I want her to grow and change and love and be free,
but why can't she do it here?!

In choir class the other day
Captain Awesome was playing a sad song about goodbyes
and Ee and I just stood there.
When the song stopped i crossed to the other side of the piano where she stood and gave her a hug.
Then without warning I burst into tears.
MatKnight and AWeibe thought I was crazy.
I hadn't cryed over it before.
But I'll never have another choir class with her.
Or skip chem and go to the mall with her.
I have one more school day left with her because of the play.
I feel cheated.
I feel selfish, but I feel like this isnt fair to me. I know it isnt fair to her, having her rip up her whole life and just... go.
I want her to stay.

Today she is coming over to chill. Play video games, compare gifts we bought. All that good stuff.

She may not be here for Christmas.

Dorian Grey donates you his picture with his gratitude

And where the two birds where flying,
I swear I saw you and I.
I swear I saw you and I.

Sometimes,
i look around me
and i think to myself
"so many happy faces"
but then i look in the mirror and say
"such a happy face"
and now I look deeper into those 'happy faces'

i guess what im saying is we all hide.
i guess what im saying is we do it without trying.
we lie about if we're okay with this
or happy with that person,
or just plain feeling okay.

it doesnt seem like a big deal.

what if we were Dorian Grey?
What if, every little white lie changed us somehow?
More so than it already does.
Is there a painting of us somewhere,
distorted or beautified,
or just plain different,
because of all those lies?
What if it all showed on our faces now?
Like Pinnochio I guess, although I wasn't trying to go in that direction.
More like,
freckles. Or the tint of your eyes.
little things.

Maybe they good ones do good and the bad lies do bad.
Maybe they already do.

Its ; Apathy

it's the uncontrolable urge to put pen to paper

& create

it's pretending to flirt with Elan, him pretending to flirt back,
& then vomiting in unison

it's see a lanlard that says "WWJD"
& thinking about Ee

it's wanting to give every customer a discount,

& doing it

it's being so tired you cry, then getting a large caramel mocha,

& smiling

its tieing a bell wreath to your work apron, getting weird look

& not caring.

Apathy is Contagious
ACT UP

How lucky I am

Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming back home to a house full of you.
Lucky to have you as my best friend.

So I'm singing for you
I've raised my voice so high
It might not be pretty, but it's an honest.
And there's nothing that I'd rather do
than be trying so hard to get you to see,

that every moment we shared was so right,
and every quote we wrote down too,
every song we listened to over the phone,
and every breath we took.

Lucky to have been where I have been
(it brought me straight to you)
Lucky to be coming back home to you
Lucky my love is my best friend.




[how badly i wish this was about crocs]

Lord I love McBeth

For the poor wren, the most diminutive of birds will fight.
All is the fear and nothing is the love, as little is the wisdom, where the flight, so runs against all reason.

I love Christmas. I love Christmas shopping. I love the smell and the taste. I even love working during Christmas. I love helping people find just exactly the right thing, or telling them what store can.

How will thou live?
As birds do, with what I get, I mean, and so do they.
Poor bird! Thou wouldst never fear the net nor lime, the pitfall nor the gin.

I really do need to get on those essays for new york. i dont know why i keep putting it off.

Angels are bright still, though the brightest fell. Though all things foul would wear the brows of grace, yet grace must still look so.

[Absolute-]
[-Uncertainty]
Math, dont be English, in which we read and my mind
is inflicted, with CONTRADICTIONS.
"Fair is foul and foul is fair"
"Let false face hide what in false heart doth lie"
I'm sure math, that you feel certain and safe in your
"absolute uncertainty"
but I feel obliged
to rip the carpet
out from under your metaphysical feet.
Dearest math, who never was so dear to me,
nothing is absolute
and only you
are uncertain.

Remind Someone, They're Not Alone

Because somedays,
sometimes,
that's all it takes.

Alright so maybe I am angry.

I'm angry at you for your lack of ability to see when what you say offendes people and your total lack of social skills.
I'm angry at you because you promised to call and didn't.
I'm angry at you because you decided to change us
I'm angry because you're leaving me.
I'm angry because you don't see.
I'm angry because you don't want to.
I'm angry at you because you change when you're around others
I'm angry at you because you hurt me so much.

Jimmy Choo-less.

Oh Golly I haven't written in so long.

Once upon a time there was a pair of crocs.
No.
Once upon a time there was a girl.
This girl had thrown away her old shoes in a fit of fury. Poof. Gone.
It was wonderful, she was happy, and barefoot.
But,
winter was coming.
And a pair of crocs said to her,
"take me. Take me home, I'm comfortable."
And the girl took the fact to be so, and in doing so took the shoes.
No longer barefoot.
Her crocs were indeed comfortable. They were fantastic for everyday use.
But they were crocs.
Made out of rubber. They had holes in them and let the cold in. And try as hard as you can to dress them up, they're still just crocs.
The girl liked the crocs fine.
But sometimes,
she felt the need to put on a pair of heels.
Of, oh say, Jimmy Choo Stilettos.
With gold studs on the heel.
And yes the crocs were fine,
but really, fine can only get you so far.
And today,
the girl is wondering what to do about those crocs,
the ones she took home and often feels so devoted to, and often so detached.
Why can't she find a pair of heels in her size?

What is art to you?

Art is something that speaks to me
that jumps out and grabs me and shakes me.
Something that is so achingly beautiful and I can't look away
and, contrastingly, so ordinarily wonderous that you don't ever realize it.

Choralfest inspired thoughts

I really miss summer




Life is making me tired.
here's hoping things calm down soon.
after seuss is done *half smile*

I'm eating perogies.


Choralfest was today.
it went fine. Really, I moved through it half asleep.

Today I wonder,
why is it there are some people in life you are just inexplicably drawn to.
Even though you don't want to be?
Even though you know it just wouldn't work out
or that the person isn't what they seem,
you just can't help but crave their company?

And, on the flip side,
the people you love so much that they're just always there.
Even when really, they aren't.
You know they're still around,
know vaugly every motion they are most likely going through at the moment.
Know that if you called them up in a flash you'd be out on the town.
I wonder what makes such a security?

And,
why is it life decides to throw two people together,
who are so alike and so different.
who finish eachothers thoughts, look at the same thing at the sam time,
who are like different version of eachother,
and rip them apart?
How is this fair in any way?
Is it selfish to want them to stay then?
Is it wrong to want to, perhaps, hold them back, keep them here?

I don't know.

I have nothing to write about

my back hurts.
i have homework to do.
seussical is soon.
choralfest is tomorrow.
music is good.

57 minutes; By example; 32 days; Hotwings and, waterbras

Many Mumbling Mice

are making midnight music in the moonlight

mighty nice.




+I got a call from a certain someone the other day. I hadn't heard their voice in a while. We talked for 57 minutes. It made me smile (No half smiles, right bud?!) And we talked about... nothing. And it felt good. I had forgotten I miss them.



+Why didn't I just think of doing something before?! Lead by example. Maybe we can do this. Maybe, we can make this work.



+Christmas shopping has thus far been, a success. Did you know there's only 2 more paydays, and 32 more shopping days left until Christmas? Ye-oza. I got something for my sister and my mum already. Father is going to be harder, his birthday just passed, so he already got presents, and now i have to try again. =P



+Tonight is Trish's birthday party. At Hooters. (yeah. i know. but i love her so i'm going.) I'm excited because there'll be people i haven't seen for so long who mean alot to me, and at least one friend from the states coming up. And, I like hot wings.



mmmm, hotwings



my sister says that at Hooters, part of the uniform requierment is water bras. To those ignorant to what those are (as I was until 2 minutes ago) apparently they make you like, a cup size bigger.
Oh, what a night I am in for. *sigh*



+We are hear, to create heaven on earth

Tomorrow is too soon

If I told you I loved you tomorrow, do you think it'd be too late?
Because when you told me you loved me so long ago
I thought to myself
"No"

What a simple word to say.
"No"

But I can't say I'll love you tomorrow,
however i wish it were true.
I feel the need to lie to you tomorrow,
because I'm worried when I can,
it'll be too late.


And I cryed over this today
And I cryed over me
And how I have been.
Because I look around and say,
"Maybe it is too late for me to change how I've been"
And then I blink and finish
"It's not too late for me to change how I'll be"
Because I don't want regret to claw at me each day
When I watch each thing continue.
When I was little I had this thing,
I would just sit on the porch and look.
I would look and look.
And my mother would call it, watching the world go by.
And I feel like that today.

New York is calling, and you know it's haunting me

So there is this new york summer writing program.
I'd stay in the resident hall of juliard
spend 3 hours a day being taught by professers,
3 hours of free writing,
and every day/night go to open mic nights, 3 or 4 theater proformances, every museum, and take a few tours.
I'd stay there for two weeks.

Only 26 people get in.
I need an essay, 3 or 4 writing examples, two teacher recommendations, and $4000.

I'm working on the essay.

Does anyone have some favourtie pieces of mine they've read? I'm having trouble picking


Here's the start of my essay. Tell me what you think.


Essay for Teen Ink's Summer Writing Program
Let's start with the basics. My name is ______ ___ _________. When I'm older, I plan on dropping my last name and just going by ______ ___. It has nothing to do with my family. I love my family. I just feel that a name should reflect who a person is. I would rather have a short simple name than a long name.
I adopt little pen names for myself. The most recent one being “Verity Amani”, which means “Truth” and “Dreams.” Contrasting idea's perhaps, but everyone holds contradicting truths in them.
My family is basic in a sense as well. My mother, my father, my sister, and me. My mother is a nurse who works night. My father works at a company that doesn't appreciate him. My sister is 17 and the most driven person I know; an artist, 90% average student, works two jobs. I'm a writer, I work and I am in every music group I can get my hands on. I'm the youngest in my family, at the tender and silly age of 16. We are a weird group of people, my family and I. We are all so busy that family dinners don't really exist, or family game nights, or family vacations, or other such myths, but we always find time to catch up on what everyone is doing, even if it's only at the family calendar where we put where everyone will be each day. My mother and father are very supportive of my sister's and my choice to stray from the path of professionalism in career choices, and in our various art forms. My parents have donated the laundry room to my sister as a workshop for cutting and grinding glass. As I write this today, my father is downstairs setting up my sister's new kiln. I get the support I need from them with simple things like their purchases of notebooks for me, giving me some time each day to sit down and write, distracting me when it isn't going well, and letting me apply to various camps that cost so much that the whole family feels it. Whenever my writing aggravates me, my mother makes it a point to cheer me up by getting me to watch funny old movies with her, making funny faces across the room at me, and laughing so loudly at things and herself that I can't but help laughing along with her. (At her too!)
For the past two summers I have gone to International Music Camp, for drama, choir, and of course, creative writing. This camp is very much a part of me and who I am. Not a day goes by where I don't fondly remember writing in the grass there, while one of the bands in the hut behind me plays bluegrass, Metallica covers, and Mozart. Creative Writing week there was very loosely structured, with the mornings for group meetings where we would read different authors, learn about different writing styles, and be invited to try them out. We were giving lots of free writing time, in which we could meet with our instructors to talk about our writing, or a specific style, or even just our career paths. We were encouraged to become a family of our own, to be unafraid to share what we create, and to most importantly, create ourselves, not just find ourselves. I remember well, one of my favorite instructors telling me that writing is “the heart in conflict with itself.” Something about that has always stuck with me. I discover a piece of myself at camp each year, however, I realize also that I need to go everywhere and try everything to know, so this year I hope I can be accepted into Teen Ink's Writing Program, and learn what it has to offer me.
I have always dreamed of going to New York.

Legs to chest, just breathe

Sitting on the bathroom sink,
I catch a half glimpse of myself in the mirror
Eye's in the back of my head,
I thought,
"Well, perhaps, maybe not. Maybe I don't have to be this way."
And I wrapped my arms around my legs and closed my eyes.
I left my shower on, the steam making breathing a little easier.
And the bathroom cabinit was closed, making living a little more possible.
It's Mania, back again to claw at the door.
But today I locked the bathroom door,
today I won't let it back in.
And when the clawing dies down,
I'll go back to my room, and stare at the map on the floor.
Here to montreal, there to new york.
I look at the pictures on the wall.
I take a deep breath, hum to myself, and fall asleep,
legs to chest

The Maps will just have to stay the same for a while

Dancing makes me feel good about myself when I get it.
Or, alternatively,
when I don't worry about getting it, or people looking at me.
When I just have fun with it and smile huge.

I've been silly with these little mini panic attacks. Without a doubt.
I just need to suck it up and work harder.
How can I even think about dropping yet another something that I love so much?
Can't.
So the only solution is to drink more coffee and work harder.


Do you feel me,
I'm hiding beside you today.
Behind you.
In your shadow.
I like it there,
it's so safe and lovely in the cool dark of you.
So can't I please stay here?
Not have to go out
find my own place in the world?
It's so safe hiding.
So safe imitating Hemingway, and Atwood.
So safe making my voice sound like hers.
Someday I'll leave this.
But today,
I don't want to.
I want to simply enjoy the security of the tried and true.
Or the tried and lied.
Because I want to create something new
But I'm too sure I can.
I can't be as great as I want to be.
And one day I'll look back on when I was young and say
Why didn't I push myself more
but today
I want to stay right here forever.
I can write how Longtin wants me to.
I can do that.
I can write the way readers want me to.
I can write how anyone wants me to, I can.
Finding myself is so hard today.
So hard I almost would rather trap myself forever in something not true?
Perhaps not,
but for now...
For now allow me the indulgance to mix and match my frightening own-ness
with something that struck a chord.
I don't copy words.
I won't steal other's words
But I will borrow their voice
or their style.
My own is still too small and weak.
Forgive me.
One day.
One day, a promise to both me and you.

36 days guys, so get to it

I'd laugh, really I would
but I'm so god damn frustrated.

I love my musical.
It's my life, it really is.
Don't look at me in that, "your only a chorus member, whatever" kind of way.
Yes I'm only a company member. Yes, I'm not as talented as you.
But I promise, I know, I care twice as much, if not more, than this project than you.

You, and you, and you, and you.
4 Leads.
You know who I mean.

Because I would not get up and walk out of practise.
Or be so rude to the teacher.

You guys are leads.
You are examples.
So be good ones.
If you don't care, it transfers onto the entire cast
and I'll be damned if this musical sucks because of you.

And to the chorus,
maybe you don't see the urgancy like some of us do,
but we are 36days away from having this on a stage, in front of an audience.

I know you all are busy and feel swamped
but does it take so much effort to be quiet while we're being instructed, being taught, given directions?

Does it take so much to pull out your music once every few days and try to get it memorized, or bang some notes yourself?

Or to show up prepared for runs and costume parades, to go over your dance steps once a week on your own?

I don't mean to sound "holier than thou" here
But I'm so tired and frustrated that I just want to scream.
I did, today.
And cried over this.
Cried for the first time in months.

I have no intentions on mentioning this again.
I did my part. I talked privatly with some people, yelled at others in public, (regretably) and wrote this.

I love you all. I know you all have the best intentions and want what I want.
But now we need to make it happen.

As I said, I won't bring this up again. It's someone elses turn.
I gave it a try. Maybe the next person will be more succesful.

Lord. Where's Paul and Ali's inspirational speechs when we need them?

Stole it from Emma. Thanks dear.

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR? Being forgotten, the dark. The unknown. Death.
WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT STATE OF MIND? tired and stressed
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE OCCUPATION?(WAY OF SPENDING TIME) Writing. Reading. Wondering. Coffee with
WHAT HISTORICAL FIGURE DO YOU MOST IDENTIFY WITH? Nellie Bly, Daredevil Reporter Deluxe.
WHICH LIVING PERSON DO YOU MOST ADMIRE? hmmm.... Jeff barker
WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE FICTIONAL HERO? Vida Winter. Vida, "The Void". She's wonderful. From the book, "The Thirteenth Tale" She is someone who I want to be, I want to look like, I want to write like.
WHO ARE YOUR REAL-LIFE HEROES? Jeff Barker. Seriously. Jeff is an inspiration to me
WHAT IS YOUR MOST TREASURED POSSESSION? My journals, and my bullitin board. The board holds all my IMC stickies, my jounrals hold my thoughts. Both are parts of me
WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU HAPPIEST? At IMC, on the picnic tables in the sun, with some good friends
WHAT IS YOUR MOST OBVIOUS CHARACTERISTIC? I'm so blunt, I'm sarcastic. I don't know.
WHAT IS THE TRAIT YOU MOST DEPLORE (HATE) IN YOURSELF? My bluntness and sarcasm.
WHAT IS THE TRAIT YOU MOST DEPLORE IN OTHERS? People who aren't all there. People who only give a little piece of themselves, people who don't try and don't take risks and simply don't care.
WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST EXTRAVAGANCE? Scarves. Food. I love weird exotic food, I love expensive restaurants with weird stuff.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE JOURNEY? The one from Here to IMC
WHAT DO YOU MOST DISLIKE ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE? There's a lot. A lot a lot.
WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER THE MOST OVER-RATED VIRTUE? Polietness.
ON WHAT OCCASION DO YOU LIE? To save a friends butt, or my own.
WHICH WORDS OR PHRASES DO YOU MOST OVER-USE? This is true. Not even kidding.
IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE? In the end, I don't think I would.
WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER YOUR GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT? Best playwrite at IMC. Oh how I cryed. This is connected to me learning to put my work and myself out there.
WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE? New York.
WHAT IS THE QUALITY YOU MOST ADMIRE IN A MAN? The ability to be outgoing but still a quiet reserved person comes to mind right now. An open, honest nature. Someone who doesn't beat around the bush about things, isn't too shy to tell me how he feels
WHAT IS THE QUALITY YOU MOST ADMIRE IN A WOMAN? Good question. I think, the ability to declair themselves as is, as an independant person without lettings outside forces control it too much
WHAT IS IT YOU MOST DISLIKE? Saddness
WHAT DO YOU VALUE MOST IN YOUR FRIENDS? They fact that I know they care about me, how theyre always there for me no matter what stupid ideas I come up with or mistakes I make or things I say. No matter how far away they are. Or if we don't talk for three months, and then i call them in tears, and they drop everything to pick me up and go for coffee. I love my friends for their love. I love them because we feed off of every quality eachother has and become the best of everyone when we are together.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DIE? Knowing I made a difference in my life or in my death
IF YOU WERE TO DIE AND COME BACK AS A PERSON OR AN ANIMAL, WHAT DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE? A person because then I can do more. I always want to do more.
IF YOU COULD CHOOSE AN OBJECT TO COME BACK AS, WHAT WOULD YOU CHOOSE? A tree. Does that count?
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO (WORDS YOU LIVE BY OR THAT MEAN A LOT TO YOU)? Meditate on it, think about it, write about it, then let it happen.
WHO HAS BEEN THE GREATEST INFLUENCE ON YOU? A couple teachers, and, as much as I hate to admit this, Nelson.

Breakfast at Sal's

So last week Saturday I woke up early for work.
Mother asleep, Sister at work already.
Father was there though.
As I shuffled around my house looking for breakfast, he came in from outside.
He explain how we had no milk or bread or toaster waffles or instant breakfasts.
So he told me to get dressed.
So I did.
So he took me out for breakfast at Sal's before work.

We used to do this alot, he and I.
Back when I was little, my mum was in university, and my sister had jazz ballet and gymnastics (at that age i called them gymnasties.)
my dad would take me either to A&W for bagels and cream cheese or to Sals's, where i would always get a cheese nip and fries.
We sit and chat about this and that.

We haven't done this since I was 8 or so.

However, not much had changed. Not the tables, not the booths, the spotty cutlery or grimy glasses.
This time around I ordered french toast and coffee.

I remember the time I spilled an entire glass of chocolate milk, so my dad and I sneakily switched tables and pretended we never sat there or made the mess.
I remember my dad teaching me to blow the straw wrappers at people.

That day my dad told me something.
That he is waiting for me to do something.
"____, I'm waiting for you to do something"
"Do something."
"Yes"

He told me that he keeps hearing about all these incredibly talented people who don't do anything for a really long time, and then one day, they just finally do something, and their whole life sets in motion. He said he knows I'm talented, and can be as succesful as I want to be

Am I talented?
Will I be succesful?
What will I do?
Is my life not already in motion?

Things to ponder on I suppose.

Heaven on Earth

We are here to continue infinity

We are here to live

We are here, to create heaven on earth

I would.
I will.

i) you lept over a bench and shook my hand
ii) you dropped your stuff and let me leap on you
iii) we compared fishbelly arms and you walked me home

Colour is beautiful

I miss the ocean so much

Drop the attitude

It's a cold night without you here
& an empty day without your face.

but i found a new sun

and i said goodbye to you.
and i said goodbye.

goodbye, good luck.

you'll get no more posts for you.

Tag, I'm it

Cool stuff, I've been tagged.
By the ever delightful Bev http://a-bev-blog.blogspot.com/

Rules: mention the person who nominated you, and list 6 unimportant things that make you happy. tag a few blogs and state the rules on your blog. Notify them with a comment on their blog that they have been tagged!

1) Text messages from friends I haven't seen in a while.
2) Big Glasses of cold Water
3) Thunderstorms
4) Canadian Music Groups
5) Coffee and Coffee dates

I hereby tag!

Zed-Double CC, for his poetry and his music. http://from-under-the-couch-cushions.blogspot.com/

My Piano Playing Talent, for his honesty http://jazzyjazzjazz.blogspot.com/

Captain Awesome because I enjoy reading him http://everyday-trash.blogspot.com/

Lucretia, Ee. For her wonderful thoughts, faith, her ideas, & her love. http://www.fightmediocracy.live.spaces.com/


My father has decided I am bi.
Gee dad,
thank you for informing me.
I wouldn't have known otherwise.
*rolls eyes*

I don't understand why he has decided such a thing.
Whatever.

Mr.Baker

Hey Cool-Kid.
Haven't seen your face in a few forever's.

What's that all about?
Guess it's my fault. I'm so god damn unavailable all the time.

Darling, I'll work less and ditch my other friends so we can go to the zoo or something again. God knows we love that zoo.
Or to the Scientology Church.
We can get raped. Oh joy of joys.

Zed you are one of my favourite IMC buddies. No lie. I think we stayed consistently the closest since.. god, has it been over a year now. And you will come to IMC this year. Even if I have to stuff you in my suitcase.

Oh Lordy, us and our shenanigans.

YOU ARE:
Ridiculously talented.
A Mild-mannered superhero

Hip!
Funny.
OUT OF FOCUS
A goofball.
WWZD
A vandel
A donkey..?!?!
A meerkat lover

A Smashing Pumpkin
An egg-hiding-inner

Super awesome party double C


I know we haven't hung around at all this past month, and hardly at all the month before, but I PROMISE we will this month. If not, you can punch me in the throat, mmkay?

Lots of love to you Zed!

Deep Water - Jewel

You find yourself falling down
Your hopes in the sky
But you heart like grape gum on the ground
And you try to find yourself
In the abstractions of religion
And the cruelty of everyone else
And you wake up to realize
Your standard of living somehow got stuck on survive
When you're standing in deep water
And you're bailing yourself out with a straw
And when you're drowning in deep water
And you wake up making love to a wall
Well it's these little times that help to remind
It's nothing without love
You wake up to realize your only friend
Has never been yourself or anybody who cared in the end
That's when suddenly everything fades or falls away
'Cause the chains which once held us are only the chains which we've made
When you're standing in deep water
And you're bailing yourself out with a straw
And when you're drowning in deep water
And you wake up making love to a wall
Well it's these little times that help to remind
It's nothing without love, love, love
It's nothing without love
We've compromised our pride
And sacrificed out health
We have to demand more
Not of each other
But more from ourselves
'Cause when you're standing in deep water
And you're bailing yourself out with a straw
When you're drowning in deep water
And you wake up making love to a wall
Well it's these little times that help to remind
It's nothing without love, love, love
It's nothing without love
It's nothing without love

My life is on fire, and it's all over the evening news

There's something about this disconnection
this freedom
this, this air
that makes me want to stand on my toes & shout to the roof tops.

There's something about seeing,
seeing all these options around me and ahead of me
that makes me breath a little easier.

I like the choices and the different people
the new ideas and the proposals brought before me.
I love the most, the fact that I can pick whatever I want.
That with all these options, I can be and do whatever I want

Stay or go.
Stay or go.
With or Not-With.

I miss my old friends.
The friends I met at IMC I haven't seen for a while
& the friends from when I was 12 that I haven't seen since then.

I miss the past.
I do.

But that doesn't control me.
I miss the past but I'm already in it's future.

I'm already in the future.
How odd to think about.

That this present is yesterday's future.

"Meditate on it."
It's my new philosophy.

Why am i so stupid

I hear

You say you're sorry
but not to me.

You send a messanger

"I miss you, I'm sorry"

Well if you miss me
if you're really sorry,
then tell me.
Call me up
& see if I'm ready to talk about it.
To talk to you.

I know you're asking 'bout me, but i don't wanna sink no more.

I hear you're really hurting now
over this or that, I can't be sure.

I hear you say you're sorry
but you still say it's my fault.

I bought a new red jacket today, & I've stopped wearing your sweater.

I want my notebook back still.

I hear you're alienating people.
That they can't stand to listen to you bitch.
That they hate how you look through them.
How you insult them.
How you've replaced them.

I hear you haven't changed at all.
That you haven't learned anything since I walked away from you.

I hear you say you miss me.
I miss you too,
I won't try to deny it.

But I cannot say I'm sorry.
I cannot say if I even know if I'm ready to listen to you try to explain yourself.

But I hear that you say you're sorry & you miss me.

So here I am letting you know.

I hear you.

Tom's a dear

"and WHAT were you doing with an 18 year old?!"

"eh? what am i doing with an 18 year old? what's that supposed to mean?"

"lol, well...i dont know, I guess... wow, i sounded...like an old man there"

"you sounded like... a brother. it was cute. no, what did you mean by that? im not all that young and innocent tom. 18 is not too far away from me."

"I know, i just...forget that were older than we were when we met, thats all."

"aw tom. you're wonderful. :)"




Look at that.
We're older now.
How odd.

This somehow makes my bad decisions more acceptable.
Marvelous

& One day
you'll look up from your music
& your mirror & your hands.
From my stolen notebooks.

& One day
you'll look up & look around.
& Say,
"Huh"

"Huh"
you'll say.
"Huh, I wonder where she went?"

& that day, you won't miss me.
I know.

Not that day.

But one day...

My Ocean

To see an ocean in your dream, represents the state of your emotions and feelings. It is indicative of some spiritual refreshment, tranquility and renewal.

To dream that you are traveling across the ocean, signifies new found freedom and independence. You are showing great courage.

Why wait?; Yourself?; Grad?; Smile?; Ocean?

What are you waiting for?

*

Are you afraid of not being original?
Because in that

you aren't defending who you are

you pass it off

you apoligize.

and that makes me sad dear.

*

I'm going to grad with my friend Steven.
His grad.

I'm not old enough to graduate yet.
I'm kind of excited.
As much as I usually hate things like those.
Although,
I might have to wear a dress.

...Uh Oh
I'm not girly.
I cannot do girly.
Well,
Maybe I'll wear a tux and he can wear the fucking dress.
Ha.
I think I'll ask him about that.

*

Ladies and Gents,
It's just a down day.
Somehow I can't seem to keep the corners of my mouth up.
Hard as everyone is trying to cheer me up.

*

I keep having dreams about the Ocean
I wonder why that is.
I wake up wanting to smell the salt
and feel how cold the air is
I wake up wanting to dive into the ocean.
And it's not there.

Maybe it's time to slow things down
In a few ways.

I think I'm pushing too hard to make too many things happen for me at once
and burning myself out in the process.
Maybe I do need to drop something
so i have time to just...
be me.
and not this big ball of stress and anger and tears i've been turning into lately.
but there's nothing im willing to drop.
so im stuck.

seriously, would it be so bad if i dropped vocal jazz, or chamber choir, or the play, or the newspaper?

Yeah. Yeah it would.

But something needs to be done.

My parents are thinking about stepping in and making me drop something.
They can't stand watching me leave at 74oam and coming home at 8 at night only to plop down with a text book or a notebook or some other assignment I have to do and then worry about getting the layout of the newspaper done soon and then go to bed without them seeing me eat a meal or stop to breath.

Sure I have my days off.
But one every two weeks isn't cutting it.

I had such a bad headache i went home during Choir of all classes yesterday

So really, something must be done.

What'll it be kids?



On a more positive note,
I got published again!
weee!

Huh. Is that right.

So stay, Janine
And we can glide along
I've caught your wings for laughs
I'm not obliged to read you statements of the year
So take your glasses offA
nd don't act so sincere
Janine, Janine, you'd like to know me well
But I've got things inside my head
That even I can't face



huh

At my house

Politics is taboo
because my father is a Center right
my sister is a Right
my mum is a left
and I'm a center right/right.

The battle between us is all in good fun
until my mum hops in
which is still fun
until she gets all extremeist on us.


I don't like stating my opinions to my parents sometimes because they always grill me on them so much that it unnerves me.
That one isnot their fault, it's my lack of conviction.


I remember once when I told my mother I do not believe in capital punishment.
(She does.)
Her and I battled it out
until she started yelling at me about a boy who was forced to bite the curb while other people stomped on him, and that those people deserved to die
(I was 11)
I ran off crying and holding my hands over my ears and went into my room.
My mother came in and told it to me again until i screamed STOP IT and she left.


I remember throwing something at someone once because they would not listen to my opinion.

My whole family is extremists.

I love them.

I love my mother and her extreme ideas
she's a wonderful person and her ideas are baised on fact.

Which I find to be important and i respect.

I can't stand when people have an opinion about something but don't know why.
When they says "my whole family is conservative so I am too"
and they have no clue the platform or the belief system
or anything.

my extremist family has taught me to accept others opinions
and to base my own on logic, intuition, and fact.
&, how to stick to what i believe.
how to stand up for it.

thank you guys. love ya lots.
(stupid conservative minority goverment)

I'm not stupid, we can talk

When i was just a little girl
I asked my mother
what will i be?

and she told me to figure it out
and to eat my cereal.



and to this day
my family really isnt much for serious debates or disscussions.

next blog will expand.

Mood today : Red

Excuse me but
yesterday something new happened

and today i simply can't forget it.

it was wonderful and scary
and i'm so...
estatic.

yay.


i feel beautiful and passionate

a very wonderful sexy red mood.

i digress.

TimeandaHalf; Notice Me Horton's-Mum!

At work on Monday,
thanksgiving,
old couple comes in.
Asking for peanut brittle.
I explain that we don't carry it.
The lady gets ruffled
and the gentleman says
"Oh no, but I could savour that delectable treat, for a thoooouusand years"
and I grinned and chatted with the man a bit.
The lady asked me how much our Citrus Peals cost
(Orange skins from Spain dusted in sugar and then coated with chocolate)
and reply, "2 for 85cents"
& she goes off on a tangent about how she makes her own, they are delicious, and here's how you make them step by step
The man talks over her,
"Darling, its the secret of chocolaters that make it better. Miss, I'll take two of these please, for old times sake"
I'm grinning as the woman continues with her recipe - "after you boil the orange peels you MUST dust them once immediately, then..."
I ring up the gentleman's chocolate
& he calls to the lady i assume to be his wife.
"Sweetie pie? We must away"
She continues talking to empty air as if I was still standing there.
"Honey bunch? Let us go."
& he takes her arm and leads her away.

Gotta say, highlight of my week.
Such an well spoken, rare, sweet old man.

--

I met my guy's mother today.
Well,
met may not be the correct word here.

Considering she ignored me completely.

Looked right over me
did not speak to me,
did not acknowledge me in any way.

I heard her ask him a question about me, because i was sitting right next to him, and she used the word "her" instead of my name or anything.
he said "yes, this is _______ (i love my anonymity)"

Okay.
I'm not a girl who likes being ignored.
No,
I am not USED to being ignored.
It simply does not happen.
So that hurt.

NEXT TIME,
I swear, she'll have a time ignoring me.
I'll go right up to her and shake her hand and stare at her eyes and say Hello. My name is ________ and I'm dating your son. How are you this fine day?

Ha. Try ignoring me THEN

Thank you for my vices

Vice #1

COFFEE
Dear God, why am I such a caffiene addict?
I can't remember a day in the past year I have not had a cuppa coffee or tea.
Which is disgusting. I'm going to be short.
But it helps me study and stay awake and not DIE.
So I might cut back, but no way am I giving up.


Vice # Two

When I don't get something I give up more often than not.
And sure I try to be funny about it,

but it doesn't completly hide the fact that I have no clue what I'm doing.



Vice # Threeeee

Maybe not a vice per say, but I just cannot forgive people easily.
& it gets me into shit
I cannot just forgive someone and start trusting them again.
I feel like that would be making myself a fool.
Once bitten, twice shy.


Vice #4

Weird as it is,
TV shows about people who overcome major issues that control them, like rape or abuse.
Somehow they're so inspirational.
& yes, cheesy and stuff.
But it's a real problem people face
& it makes me happy knowing that there are succes stories out there. Maybe I'm a bit of a bleeding heart, but as sad as these stories make me, they also make me so happy when they turn out well.

Vice Number Five

Well this just says it all.

But you know, I'm fine with all this.
This is what makes me who I am.
& I'm okay with who I am.
So thank you for my vices.
Thank you for my faults and my qualities

and everyone who brought me here.

Because here isn't that bad at all.

You ready for this?; Note

Or better yet,
are you ready for me?

Cause I've been found
& now I can't seem to be gotten rid of.

So here it is
are you ready for me?

Are you willing?
Are you accepting?
You ready to take the time out of your life?
The ten minutes, the five?

You ready to start acknowledging me like you once did
long before I was found?

---

Note:
Some music is just so...
soul satisfying.

Note:
I should try giving up coffee.

Note:
Jared called Pop Tarts, Porn Tarts today.
That made me laugh til I cryed.

Note:
I love Napstar
And Korean Soap Operas.
What of it?

"You" With a twist

I wish I were you.

You, who can always smile
You, who knows where you're going
You, who makes a difference
You, who wants only what you have
You, who's so comfortable in your own skin
You, who let's it all roll off your back
You, who's gonna change the world
You, who understands
You, who's so talented
You, who is so beautiful it makes me ache
You, who simply doesn't care
You, who's so driven
You, who loves so easily
You, who's so forgiving
You, who is always so optimistic

You all, who are everything I want to be
& everything I admire.

I'm lucky
you guys fill in those holes.
You guys complete me.

Going home; Stress; Love?; Look who finally looked up

I get to go home today
how cool is that?

Instead of having rehearsal
or a newspaper meeting
or a tutoring session
or work
or ANYTHING

I
I.
I.
I get to to go home.
Have supper with my family.

..& then go back to school because I have a tour I need to go on.
Lovely.

But.
I'm happy.
& hungry.
& tired.

But I'm happy
How lovely. How important.

---

Stress is hard.
I know I seem to be dwelling on the subject lately
But stress is so difficult for me to deal with.

---

Funny how some people just get you through your day.
Funny how you can love so many people
& still not know what love is.
Funny how giving love is so much harder than accepting it
Funny how much trust it takes to say i love you
to someone when you actually mean it
than it does to scream LOVE YA at your friends as theyre walking away
Cause theyre both love, in a sense
But so different.

Don't say it. I'm not IN love.
I'm realistic.
I'm aware enough of myself and who I am to understand that I am not.
That I haven't been.

& in saying this, I am not saying those who believe they are so in love with their significant others are not. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't.
Maybe it's my lack of trust in others and in myself
Maybe I just don't let myself get so close that I have the oppertunity.
Or maybe it's just that I simply haven't been.
Which is very likely.

Perhaps, a combination of both?
Well, howdie-do.

---

Bam
Here we go, here we go
Hear, I go again.

But you aren't listening.
But you weren't looking.
You missed it all

All but the end result.

So thank you for tuning in.

But however you've missed half the plot
so I would appreciate you not passing jugdment today.

Once Upon A Time was about
oh
10 years ago.
So don't give me these fairy tale morals
and expect me to understand

Because You haven't been watching the change
& now here I am
Here I am getting ready to go
& you're standing there stary eyed asking
When did you grow old?
When did you get tall
& learn to walk home alone?
When did you stop asking for a bedtime story?
When did you stop laughing at the snow?

& what can I say besides that it took time.
It did.
It took time and time that you weren't willing to give.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry you missed it
Missed some pieces.

I'm sorry you feel left out now.
I'm sorry you feel ignored.
I'm sorry you feel like I've left

Steven

What can I say? This kid is amazing.
He's my neighbour
He's like a brother

Who else would have a photoshoot with me.

in my basment .
With star lights and a tiedie surong?
I rest my case.

These two photos were taken almost two years ago, December '07
As you can see, we were having a fun time :D

We always do when we're together

Even if we're bored out of our skulls and dont REALIZE how much fun we are having.

This kid and I, closer than close.
My best friend. Always.
He's such a goof.
I can't imagine life without him.

BFF's. Cheesy, but that's just the way it is with us.

We've grown up together. I've known him half my life. Almost more.

We continue to grown up together, in a weird, suspended sort of way.

Neither of us really change to eachother

It's a neat kinda love.

We're gonna grown up and live in Wosely together (HELLO ZAC!)

And be all hippy-ish and cheap and never wash dishes ever again. We'll have goats and grow potatos in our back yard. If we don't have one, we'll use the basment? Don't have a basment? We'll MAKE ONE!

And we cruise around the 'Peg looking for a place that serves good goat cheese and spinich pizza. Giving up, a place that serves REAL FOOD that we actually want to eat. Giving up again, we end up at the Neighbourhood Cafe down in Wosely as per usual, with our same old order. A cuppa hot chocolate to share and whatever vegan cake looks good at the time.

Stoping in front of that white medical building on Arlington to listen, just in case we hear monkeys again.

Steven, you rock.
Just so you know.
I couldn't live without you.

Even when you embaresse me by asking my co-worker if she ever doesnt want to give customers their ice cream because they're too fat.

It's not your fault you hate fat people :)

"She likes Vegan Pies, but she hates fat people
She pretty much lives with this dude named Steven,
so I guess he hates them too!"

A gross misrepresentation
I do not hate them.
I am jaded because of YOU!

Rain

Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. (8)

"Make the magic happen"
Yes Mr. Longtin

But you see,
I prefer to blog during English class
as apposed to typing up a scene about the rebellion in 1837.

About Mackenzie burning a house down.


My legs are very damp from walking in the rain today.
As are my shoes socks and feet from the puddles.

It was worth it though. I like walking with you in the rain.

It's odd this site is not blocked on the school computers.
Odd indeed.

My hair is very big from the rain.
Shucks.
Where's a ponytail when you need it?

But I love the rain.
How it wakes me up
how cold it is.
How it makes my skin feel so soft.
How I look when I stand in the rain.

I love every drop of water that falls off my nose
every puddle I jump in
every drip the drips off my drippy hair.

I love my dark chocolate espersso caramels
And my friends
And writing.

I'm so full of love today it's sickening.

I think I'll go for a walk in the rain
Again.

Laugh out loud, he met my folks.

Some nights I just can't sleep


can't sleep.

Some nights i just toss and turn


toss and turn.

Some nights I roll over and look at the clock


is it still 3am?

Some nights it's okay


cause all my friends can't sleep either


so we all just text eachother





But most nights it's not okay because I have to work that morning or I have an 8am newspaper meeting or something so I really do need to sleep but it just can't or won't happen.

And the next morning I look disgusting and horrible and everyone says
"Are you feeling okay, you look sick"
and I go
"just TELL me I look like 5 kinds of shit and get it over with!"

The again, at the same time,
I'm so busy with everthing
Rehearsals, Work, Vocal Jazz, Chamber, Chem, Math, History, English, Regular Choir, Gym Hours to complete, Friend claiming they are being ignored, Parents saying I do nothing and that I need to help around the house more, individual projects Hannah and I have taken up, the Student Newspaper Ester and I are creating and heading, writing contest deadlines coming up, singing lessons to get back, MORE work, ETC ETC ETC

So who really needs sleep anyways?
After all, I don't even really have time for it :P

Love you guys, even if I don't always have time for you all

So much to be happy for

I guess I'm being silly.
Puppy love and all.
But seriously, I'm so happy.

You just make me happy.

And I can feel my friends looking at us and wondering

"When did this happen?"
"Why are they together?"
"WTH?"

Seriously, I don't care.
I'm not ashamed of this.
I feel lucky.
I don't know how I deserve this.

And it's makes me feel fit to burst that you feel the same way.

Yay for puppy love.
Yay for crushes,
yay for being hoenst and logical and mature about this
Knowing what it is.




On a related note.
I saw him looking at me today.
Watching.
That's all.
Watching.
I couldn't read the expression.

And somehow it just continues to make me angry.
He has a right to look I suppose.
But
I'm not his. Not anymore.
And he can't seem to understand.

Well.
too bad for you



IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD CAFE:

So maybe it really wasn't
such a huge
ginormous huge deal.

Look at that.
i'm still here.

And okay,
I knew it would be so.
I knew it wasnt gonna be so bad.



Sometimes, as i watch Steven walk
away, to go get something or whatever,
i still see him as that little
boy i befriended, so long ago.

Just the way i can still, read his emotions in
his body still, the way he walks still, still the
familiar way he looks around at the
world around him.

I still see that little boy.

Even though now he's 6'2 and 9 years older.
& i've known him half my life.

Somethings never change.
I'm glad he hasn't.

Or
I'm glad we always will, together.

'Cause I'll always give you my best

A sidewalks path
leads me to you.
Though we don't look back
We hold onto a truth

& in these broken times,
I promises I will not forget
though you're not mine
upon your shoulder I can rest.
Cause you always give me your best.

It's like a promise kept.
It's like you never left.
It's like a promise kept.
It's like you never left.


What can I say?
It hit me hard today.
You're leaving.
You're leaving me and you aren't coming back.

& I cried over it.
I. Cried.
You know that I don't do that.

I guess I can't ask you not to go.
You need to.
You can't stay in one place. I've learned that much from our short time.

But somehow I can't picture life without you.
Running with and after you.
You me and her marching down the street,
laughing too loudly
flipping off cars as they honk and yell He-ya! at us.

I can't imagine not having you here for summer.
Taking you on my random adventures.
You won't be here for my birthday.
I won't be there for yours.

We'll miss so much.

There's something comforting in the love we have.
The twisted, sadistic, masochistic, ridiculous, abusive, silly, hilarious, asexual love we have.

This isn't a goodbye letter to you.
No, not by far.
We still have this month and the next and the last.
But this is a realisation.

I'll miss you,
while youre off doing bigger and better things
saving the world.


All it takes is a song,
& i can swear I hear your steps.

A favourite read of mine.

Written by a Miss Sarah Slean.
I felt this deserved to be shared.
It really hits home. I'm sure it does with most of you.
-


There is no sorrow, no anguish, that love cannot heal. And I don't mean just meeting a fabulous man or having a pet or being best pals with someone. I mean discovering for yourself love in its most profound sense - a feeling that inspires awe and an ocean of gratitude, and above all, a trust... What Tolstoy called "a relationship with the infinite". You can find this. Because, here is the beautiful secret, it is within you and it is endless. The more you think about the silent wonders that abound - your lungs for instance, your eyeball and the incredible intricacy of its work, the trees growing right now (think of all the trillions of trees on earth growing so gracefully and silently right now!) the forces that keep the walls around you steady and the sun rising at dawn, and on and on, the more you begin to realize that you are part of the divinity that is this world, the divinity that is the infinite origin of everything. How could you not be? And that nothing is asked of you or demanded of you other than for you to just BE. (How often I've tried to get in the way of this! To muscle a different path for myself! A bird is a bird, a fish is a fish, just be, just be who you are!! Kids are masters at this, and what other being emits as much pure joy? You are enough, you are a miraculous creature, and that is all. Part of eternity. You are love. The most amazing thing you could ever do is simply let that be - let the love express itself. The rest, petty details. And you'll notice that when this realization really starts to live in your heart, you are less afraid. And fear I think is at the heart of all hatred, all harm, all suffering.
Fear was at the heart of the hatred I expressed toward myself for many years. And that hatred manifested in all sorts of destructive behaviours.
For a long time I felt that I was useless. This is the cruelest thing anyone can utter to oneself, and over time, it starts to do serious damage. I was so pained by the suffering I could see around me, by the anger and pollution and greed in the world. And I would look in the mirror and say "What are you doing writing songs and tinkling on a piano for your living? You've got to be kidding! Is this what you are doing with your compassion and intelligence? Your time on earth? Selfish useless loser!" And so on. I remember a moment in my apartment in Paris - I looked up from the bathroom sink and suddenly "witnessed" how I was speaking to myself in my thoughts. I looked into my own eyes that were so full of disgust and sadness, red-rimmed from tears and booze and insomnia, and I realized I was looking at my sadistic captor. I was looking at the tyrant.
When you are full of cruelty it is as if you have a cruelty-seeking pair of glasses on. The world looks unjust, sick, and callous because that is the filter you've chosen. When you are fighting yourself so vehemently, you bring people and situations and thoughts into your life that will feed that combat. Eating becomes conflict. Exercising is punishment. Your career, your relationships, your speech, all become war.
When you disarm, everything changes.
Permit me this little instructive exercise for disarmament. Go to a nearby park. Sit down in a spot free from noise or distraction and have a good look at a tree. A good long look. Imagine it smiling at you. Seriously!... You'll know what I mean. Try it.
Disarming means knowing love and trusting it as truth. Love then gets behind every one of your senses. You see food as the sun and the rain's conspiracy to strengthen and sustain you. You see difficult people and situations as opportunities to deepen your compassion. You hear the plea for love that is hiding behind all complaints, attacks and criticisms. You feel the life in your body, in another's body, and you're amazed.
I hope this helps. I truly believe that we're here to elevate our understanding of love and to awaken to its transformative potential... I think there is no other more noble pursuit.

-Sarah Slean

Fool + Coward = ?/! X 2

A rather interesting time.

& a rather interesting way of dealing with things :)

Those of you who know, or think they know,

Yes. It's dealt with.

Hello an interesting few weeks or more
and hello a happy smiling me.

I just wanna hug to everybody I run into.

& I'm being girly. It's horrible. It truly is.
I'm grining and giggling and looking in the mirror lots.

Funny how one little sentence can do that.

Funny how one person can make so much happen.

Can make you feel so happy.

Oh well,
this isn't the sort of thing I'd normally blog about.
I'm usually a very closed person, when it comes to things like this.
I don't like being mushy and all that
but,
today I felt I needed to blog about this event.
Get it out of my system so I can go back to being cynical and mature(ish)
And not a grinning idiot.

*clears throat*
Ahem.

Goodnight all. :)

Is there anybody in there?

Carried my heart unbuttoned
across the lonely stage.
Where all the fools and actors
Circle like birds of prey.

Careful with the rose,
she knows every word in every scene.
Oh please, Be good
To me.

I let the liar have me,
the forger and the cheat,
Love is the legal tender
they try to steal from me.

Tell how you lose
What you wanna give away for free
Oh please, be good
to me.

It really is no secret that I've been in some crappy relationships
& non-relationships for that matter.
It's really no surprise to anyone when they see me break down
when they know what's going on.
& I don't break down often.
I'm the strong one.
I'm the tough one.
Let me tell you something,
he took nothing from me.
He took nothing I wasn't willing to give.
& that means that he isn't a bad person.
It means that I've been stupid again.

& Let me tell you something else,
when I walked away,
It was the best feeling of my life.
Other people saw it.
Said I seem lighter now.
& it's true.

So I don't see why people are still making this into a big thing.
"You two were perfect. Why did you do this?"
"How could you do something like that?"
"Blah blah blah blah blahidontgiveafuck"
Look.
it's my prerogative
So chill.

It's hard on me as it is.
Don't keep on reminding me and bringing it up.



So that leads me, as always
to right now.

With twos fools and a coward.
Sound about right to you?

I'm one and a half of the fool.
Because I try to run away from this when I don't want to.
Because even though I'm running, I want nothing more than to be caught.
Omigod omigod you guys.

As Emma once said,
"You two are quite skilled. I've got to say. Avoidance techniques, perfect"

She's got it bang on.

I'm the fool.
He's the coward.
I'm the fool for letting him be.

I suppose I'll just slow myself down and see where today takes me.

Something Bev Reminded me about

And something i've been meaning to blog about, for that matter.

I have major trust issues.
I have absolutly zero trust for people.

I try. I really really do.

But I just have so much problems trusting people with anything.

And it's fucked me over, I'll admit.
Great relationships and friendships have been ended because I just can't deal with it
And the fact that I just can't seem to be able to trust them.

& it makes it worse,
that when I do find someone I completly, 100%-
I just end up getting pushed into the dirt more often than not.

SO.
Leading up to the current situation,

How am I supposed to trust him then?
Let him get to close?

He could really hurt me.

Like someone else did, who promised not to,
oh so long ago.

How can i just let myself be happy with all this,
when I don't trust myself to be.

That's where it goes back to I guess.
I don't trust myself either.

But, on the other hand,

Ya know,
Then again,
maybe not.

Maybe I'm just looking too hard for something to fill the spot

I'm so happy for you!

After all love,
it's been a long time comming.


So this.
This?
This.
This is gettin' interesting isn't it?
Curiouser and Curiouser...
Day by day...
Well.
I'm still happy.
And that's a good sign.


Hey you.
No, the other You.
You need to make up your mind,
because I can't wait around forever
I won't.
You remind me that you miss me
and I remind you it's been months.
And hundreds of chances.
So you,
you need to take moment and think
cause either way i'll live
but i do need to know.


I'm tired.
I work all weekend.


I really think I might enjoy you
but im scared to let myself feel more.

A big toothy smile, hold the braces

These are three of my friends.
Names shall be left out.
But I love them.

Because my friends believe.
Especially the one in the middle,

who is my best friend right now.

She has so much faith
She's such a good person. And I envy her. I wish I was as talented and driven as her.
My friends arm me with faith.
They make me feel unstopable.
They push me and inrage me to the point that I can tear down any obsticale.

I'm a driven person, I am.
But I can't do things on my own very well.
I'm very dependant on support from people around me.
It's not a good quality.
But I've been lucky so far.
I'm never at a loss of support from my friends.
Even if my choices are stupid.

Tell me, how can you stay depressed and cynical with people like that?
< --- How? How can you be a hermit eatting soup and crackers and writing for a week straight,

when you have these people banging on your door telling you to shower and get ready to go for coffee?
I suppose I owe my friends alot.
No, I know I do.

& I'm just taking a little moment to say thanks.
For putting up with me all the time.

& to my gorgeous friends.
In America.
And in Sweden;
Man oh man I love and miss you guys.

It says alot about a friendship that can last so many miles.

I don't know where I'd be without you guys.
My summer would have been so different
The best of friends in a matter of weeks.

I'm gonna wrap this up.

I'm just feeling sentimental today.