I'm still alive (A poetry sort of day)

& It'll be fine,
lover of mine,
It'll be just fine.
I'll just hold you
rub your back,
pretty as you please,
until you're alright.
Then I'll take my leave.

I had a dream I was flying
& I could clearly see
everything I've wanted

so close at hand
oh, it's alright
flying.

i can't think of things

to write down

my fingertips are moving faster

than this mind of mine.
I'd never had someone hold my hand like-

Well I bet you say that to all the girls

I can sing that song so well
I can hold your hand right back

But I won't.
Because you aren't safe.
Because you aren't safe from me
(Because we matter to each other)

Help me kill the

fear

of the emptiness I hide
Stay by my side
Help me fill up

these spaces.
If I should fall,
then make sure
I learn how to hit
ground well.
Pride's all I have,
& now that he left it
bruised,
It's more precious than ever.
Touch me,

but lightly.
& don't let your hands

stray a breath.
I can't take more of that kind of pain.

Excitement bubble up inside me,
It's like I drank a bottle of champagne,
as your kiss make me close my eyes
to the harsh sights and sounds the world is offering tonight.
As your hand touches mine

all the world slants and shifts

and all the words on the tip of my tripping tongue
stall
strangle

shiver
& fade into
U S E L E S S N E S S

nothing in the world compares
to the feelings of confusion
and surprised joy

that you give me.
Every time I see those lips,

for the rest of my life,
I'll taste you-
Coffee, and minty gum,

and your own special taste, like spicy chocolate.
Tonight I'll borrow your arms & chest
as a pillow and blanket.
& I'll listen to that heartbeat of yours,

that tell me,

I'm still alive

Water; Winter; Future

Last night
after i accidently hung up on you,
and went on a heroic journey to get a glass of water,
you said youd call me back after you made food.
Lo and behold, two minutes later,
"Text me. I'm going to make grilled cheese and I want your company in some form =P"
Well.
Looky there.



Has it been a good winter for everyone?
I think I've enjoyed it.
I can sense it coming to an end.
Last night it snowed. I went for a walk. I intended to take pictures, so I brought my camera. My hands were too cold though, so I never ended up doing so.
Trying to cross the tracks, and the wide area of just snowy field that seperates it from the road, I fell down.
Opps.
It was cold. Very cold. I just lay there on my back. "Snow is quite comfortable, really." I said to myself.
A car drove by. I waved at it, still on my back.
I think a few seconds.
Then make a snow angel.
It was lovely.
When was the last time you made a snow angel?

Although, once I was done, I realized I lost my phone.
Back into the snow bank I go, digging until i find it.


I don't know what I want to do in life. (Emma your posts are mirroring mine! Or vis versa)
WHY do they make us decide what we want to do with the rest of our lives at the age of 16?! Why?
I'm trying to pick my courses out for grade 12, all the time keeping in mind what will get me into university.
There isn't even enough room in my timetable for everything I want/need.
I wanted : All four englishs, world issues, western civ, phych, philosiphy, choir, drama, bio, gym, and journalism/newspaper.
What am I probably ending up with? Two englishs, philos, choir, drama, bio, gym.
I'm YOUNG! How can I possibly know what I want to do in life?! I want everything! That's the curse of youth, right?
I want it all.
I'm scared. How can they expect me to know exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life?! It's not fair! I want to cook, and sing, and act, and write, and teach, and study politics, history, pychology, philosiphy! I want to TRAVEL! I want to learn to speak Italian better! I want to learn to speak arabic beyond the two words I know!
How can we know what we want, before we are even legal adults, huh? How is THAT fair?
I'm not allowed to vote, but I MUST know EXACTLY what I want?
Really, I want to take a year off. Just one year.
One year to travel and get a taste of life. One little year to TRY to get to know myself, how I am, what I want.

Goodnight trouble, goodnight

"But don't you dare profess to love me
when you're lying with another,
that's not love, that's just wishing.
Wish, and Love, are not the same things."

There once was a girl,

a little silly girl,

there once was a girl.

She wanted to run,

wanted so to run away,

she wanted to run.

She sang songs of freedom,

sang mad, large songs of freedom,

she sang songs of freedom

Trapped inside his fist,

so inclosed and trapped in his fist,

she was trapped inside his fist.

Life without love,

love or romance,

life without love.

No one's died from lack of love

lack of water, not lack of love.
No one's died from lack of love.

Love was the prayers she made,

romance and love, her water and her prayers,

Love was the praryers she made.

Oscars? Not fun. I'm not even sure why I watched it.

I'm pleased with the best male actor in a leading role pick; Sean Penn.
End of story.

Every night lately, I feel just so restless.
But, I've had only one nightmare in the past week.
I wondered allowed to a friend what had changed.
I didn't like the responce very much.

Listening to music

to drive away the demons,

late at night,

I thought of you.
Twirling the image of you

around my little finger,

like a curl of hair,
I wondered what to do.
Looking around from my trance,
I see a picture on my phone,

that wasn't there before.
You calling me at this late hour,

because you thought of me too.
What to do,

but stare at the phone stupidly,

til you give up?
What to do?
But call you back and whisper hello.
What else to do,

but listen to eachothers breathing

and occasional sobs,

til sleep comes,

or the sun rises,

and the demons are gone

Dress-y dress-y dress dress

When I said goodbye I meant it dear,
what is it with the people in my life who can't let it go?
I can look you in the eye today,
knowing we're in two different spots.
I can't look at your chin even,
when you tell me my beauty shines,
all the while knowing how that makes me feel.
When you tell me what bad shape you're in,
how am I supposed to feel?


Tears on a borrowed bed,
between walls that are painted
somebody else's red.
When you hear me cry out,
you hold my mouth and say
"It's alright love, you're in good hands"
Sinister, without a single sound.
Hide my face, so you dont see the drops
fall down.
You see me running, you grab my arm and bruise
"It's alright love, you're in good hands"


Dear Friend,
You know I'll always be there.
You know that I am sarcastic and rude and harsh and unsentimental and unromantic and brutally honest.
And you know that I'll put that all aside for you.
Because I know you need me tonight.
Tonight I'll be human for you.
You make me feel more human than I ever have.


I found it.
I found my dress.

Sorry to disappoint everyone who voted

for dress number one, but i looked at the only size it came in,

and it was much too small at the waist!

I was very disappointed myself too. T

he dress has to be taken in a bit,

so it will fit a little better than shown in the pictures.

I bought it at CK LY Bridals, and for those wondering;

No, it wasnt that expensive.
Yes, the sales people were very helpful

and sweet! They asked what i like, talked to me,

tried to get to know my personality,

and then ran around bringing me dresses

in colours they thought looked good in me,

and in cuts they liked, etc.
Took pictures,

helped me accersorize, whatever.
And it only took me two hours!
For all the girls out there who know, yay!
For those men and other girls, two hours is SHORT trying to find a grad dress!

Kate's in town tonight.
Can't wait to see her.
:)

It's Janine's-Grad-Dress Idol!

Thank you Emma, you reminded me.

I've been looking at grad dresses!
So far just online. I've found a few that I quite like. I'm going shopping with my mother this weekend for one, but if I don't find what I'm looking for, I might choose one of these:

This one found at an online vintage cataloug. I'm liking this one, because since it's not MY grad I'm going to, I better make sure I stay toned down slightly. But, It's still gorgeous and unique. I really like it.

This one, also online. I like the green and the simplicity. Well, relativily simple. It is rather shiny isn't it?

Once again, online. Not simple, but something about it makes me feel very girly and happy and silly. not sure if it's very ME, but I still like it. Rather fluffy for me though

Any favourites boys and girls?
It's Janine's-Grad-Dress Idol!
Cast your votes! :)

No Nightmares last night

(it might be because of you)

I'm pretty okay with life

You ever think about what would have happened?

For example,
the boy who served me at Sal's,
who gave me a nice, shy smile, and an extra plate of fries.
What would have happened had I smiled back?
Had I written my number on a napkin?

What would have happened had I not said hello to Jared
that one day outside?

What would have happened, had I not joined MoBy Dick?

What would have happened if I didnt go to IMC?

What would have happened had I never spoken to Nelson? That would have changed my life drastically.

What if I had been good at math and sciences?

What if I had still wanted to be a lawyer

If I stayed in dance, gymnastics, chess club, skating, swimming, fencing, or judo?


But,
I'm happy where I am.
I'm happy right here.

Do it!

“
As you’re reading this, your life’s getting shorter.
It’s ticking away.
I’m not saying this to frighten you.
Or even scare you.
Though it may.

I’m saying this to awaken you.
To inspire you.
To rise you out of your deep slumber.
To really know you won’t live forever.
To share your unique gifts.

To ignite your great inner fire.
To ignite your great inner strength.
To ignite your great inner light.
To shine.
Brightly shine.
To awaken your great inner beauty.

To motivate.
Yourself and others.
To love.
Yourself and others.

To paint.
To write.
To teach.
To innovate.
To sing.
To dance.
To care.
To feel.
To listen.
To learn.
To laugh.

The clock’s ticking.
The world needs you.
Make your move.

”


Life is just wonderful today.
Life is beating its drum at my door;
"Wake up 'Nin!
Rise and shine!
Wash your face and fix your hair,
we've an adventure in store for you today!
Guess what it is?!
You have to go out and FIND it!"
And so, I will.

Goodmorning/afternoon everyone.
I'm going to shower,
see most of you in Carmina,
and then go on an adventure.

Off I go, to let the sunshine swallow me.
Anyone wish to join me?
Anyone wish for their own?
DO IT!

I awoke, singing!:
Leap of faith, leap of faith. Leap of faith, leap of faith.
Ohh, only thing to do is jump over the moon

The colour falls like snow; the feeling of letting go

The Jazz Singer : The first ever talkie

Today is one of those days where you just can't help but feel great

One of those days where you want to

sing and scream

and laugh and dance

and go for walks and runs in the snow.
Where you want to call a friend

you haven't spoken too in a long time,

and get to know them again.

Today is a day where you make cupcakes

with bright blue and yellow and green icing.
Today is cut your nails short so you can grow them long again day.
Today is THE DAY.
Today is the day where we stand up

get up

get out

be colour, and fly.
Today is the day where we write a note,

fold it up,

turn it into a paper airplane,

and throw it
Today is the day you tie that note

to a ballon

and let it fly away from you.

Today is the day
where you scream everything you feel

and think,

to yourself.
And when you tell it to who you need to.
And dress bright,

wear bright makeup up,

and a bright smile,

for the bright night ahead of you, day.

Nothing wrong in the world tonight,

nothing so the matter that it can't

be fixed.
Not a thing so wrong that it can hold me down.
Not a thing I would let weigh on me.

Streetlights are spinning, the night is just beginning, and then it comes on strong. When I'm up, I can't get down.
The colour falls like snow; the feeling of letting go

Today is also a day

for bold print

nonesense

and lots of water.

Nightmares

Lately,

I've been having nightmare after nightmare

after nightmare

after nightmare.
You know that feeling,

where you have a nightmare,

and you wake up, and you don't remember it,

but you can't move?

I've been having strange nightmares lately too.
Ranging... everywhere.

Silly little horror movie styles

ones about dying

ones about others dying

about being pregant

about smoking lots of ciggs

about killing someone,

hurting someone,

missing something,

showing up naked for school,

growing old,

working living dying in a cubicle

messing up

being with someone I don't want to,

getting married,

drowning

burning my notebooks and then burning myself,

ETC

too many lately.

I must be unsound. Wow.

I read somewhere that if you're too hot at night, you're more likely to get nightmares,

but i just sleep under sheets lately and that doesn't help. huh.


Anything you guys do after a nightmare, or to stop them?

Sarah Slean

A penny for your thoughts,

a nickle for your kiss,

and a dime if you say that you love me.

Artist I want everyone to check out:
Sarah Slean.
ABout 30 years old,

absolutly tiny.
Vivacious, poetic, and talented.
She's written a bunch of her own stuff, in fact,

most of it.
Her style ranges all over the spectrum,

and she's even done some pink flyod covers.

My picks:
Day One
Angel
Me and Jerome
Somebody's Arms

Get Home
Oh Please Be Good To Me
Vertigo
Pilgrim
Lucky Me

This girl is Canadian, and an all around preformer,

and has been a favourite of mine since I was 11.
She recently came out with a new cd
Called "The Baroness"
where all the music on it,

she wrote while in Paris.
Ahh!
I want to be her!

Live,

she is simply, amazing to watch.
Her voice is the same as it is on a cd

and she's hilarious.
She wrote a song called Euphoria, that goes something like this

Take me, love me,

and fill the portions of me

that are dark

and warm and deep

-here she stops to make a little shocked face at the audience-

I'm going to, once again, add a piece of her writing, that was addressing a fan email; re: the mention of anorexia in one of her songs

There is no sorrow, no anguish, that love cannot heal. And I don't mean just meeting a fabulous man or having a pet or being best pals with someone. I mean discovering for yourself love in its most profound sense - a feeling that inspires awe and an ocean of gratitude, and above all, a trust... What Tolstoy called "a relationship with the infinite". You can find this. Because, here is the beautiful secret, it is within you and it is endless. The more you think about the silent wonders that abound - your lungs for instance, your eyeball and the incredible intricacy of its work, the trees growing right now (think of all the trillions of trees on earth growing so gracefully and silently right now!) the forces that keep the walls around you steady and the sun rising at dawn, and on and on, the more you begin to realize that you are part of the divinity that is this world, the divinity that is the infinite origin of everything. How could you not be? And that nothing is asked of you or demanded of you other than for you to just BE. (How often I've tried to get in the way of this! To muscle a different path for myself! A bird is a bird, a fish is a fish, just be, just be who you are!! Kids are masters at this, and what other being emits as much pure joy? You are enough, you are a miraculous creature, and that is all. Part of eternity. You are love. The most amazing thing you could ever do is simply let that be - let the love express itself. The rest, petty details. And you'll notice that when this realization really starts to live in your heart, you are less afraid. And fear I think is at the heart of all hatred, all harm, all suffering.
Fear was at the heart of the hatred I expressed toward myself for many years. And that hatred manifested in all sorts of destructive behaviours.
For a long time I felt that I was useless. This is the cruelest thing anyone can utter to oneself, and over time, it starts to do serious damage. I was so pained by the suffering I could see around me, by the anger and pollution and greed in the world. And I would look in the mirror and say "What are you doing writing songs and tinkling on a piano for your living? You've got to be kidding! Is this what you are doing with your compassion and intelligence? Your time on earth? Selfish useless loser!" And so on. I remember a moment in my apartment in Paris - I looked up from the bathroom sink and suddenly "witnessed" how I was speaking to myself in my thoughts. I looked into my own eyes that were so full of disgust and sadness, red-rimmed from tears and booze and insomnia, and I realized I was looking at my sadistic captor. I was looking at the tyrant.
When you are full of cruelty it is as if you have a cruelty-seeking pair of glasses on. The world looks unjust, sick, and callous because that is the filter you've chosen. When you are fighting yourself so vehemently, you bring people and situations and thoughts into your life that will feed that combat. Eating becomes conflict. Exercising is punishment. Your career, your relationships, your speech, all become war.
When you disarm, everything changes.
Permit me this little instructive exercise for disarmament. Go to a nearby park. Sit down in a spot free from noise or distraction and have a good look at a tree. A good long look. Imagine it smiling at you. Seriously!... You'll know what I mean. Try it.
Disarming means knowing love and trusting it as truth. Love then gets behind every one of your senses. You see food as the sun and the rain's conspiracy to strengthen and sustain you. You see difficult people and situations as opportunities to deepen your compassion. You hear the plea for love that is hiding behind all complaints, attacks and criticisms. You feel the life in your body, in another's body, and you're amazed.
I hope this helps. I truly believe that we're here to elevate our understanding of love and to awaken to its transformative potential... I think there is no other more noble pursuit.

Dear, to whom it may concern

Dear World,

stop spinning for a few days,

I'm getting kinda dizzy.

You know those night

where you are just so exhausted

and you're awake, thinking.
And you come up with brilliant idea

and wonderful speechs.
Amazing rhymes, and witty things,

and solutions to your current problem,

and you wake up,

and realize you forgot everything?
I'm having one of those nights.
A though is half way done and I'm already confused about

what it was I was thinking about.

Watched Dracula today.
The poor Count.
I now defy anyone to tell me

he is the villian in the story.

I'm glad we talked about it,

finally.
I'm glad we decided to try harder,

to make this work.
But,
I don't really believe

that thing's'll change one bit.


Not much left to say folks.

But my one baby tree,

has two new friends.
Talking to them appears to be working

Goodnight

People watching; You are home; I can hear you

We're all as lonely as we wanted to be

all as lonely as we wanted to be.
It's only true, if we believe.

I can't remain still,
can't remain seated.
I can't stay here

while you're leaving,

while you spin off into a beautiful future.
I can't keep my hands at my side

I can't resist the urge to reach out to you

to hold your hand

to pull you seated next to me,

just for a bit.

Just for a bit.

Sit here with me tonight.
Stay with me.
Give me your body;
give me your shoulder for tissue,

your chest for the best pillow I've ever had,

your arms for a security blanket.
Give me every inch and part of you tonight,
I can't bear to spend another night alone,

missing your conversation

and comfort.

I can't stand to lie here,

knowing you're feeling alone

away from me.

I can't stand to walk away tonight

All I want,

is a little understanding here.
All I want, is to know,

why I find home in your arms each time,

and why we break away so soon.
I want to know what it was

that I mistook for pity in your eyes.
I want to know you.
I want to know what we are

and why.
I want to know and I want it more than I can possibly say.
Tonight,
I don't want to be alone anymore.
Tonight,
I want home with you.

You're the only light I ever saw,
I know you're in there, I can hear you caring.

You're unhappy aren't you? I can tell.
You made me feel beautiful,

with every glance that holds a smile
Love is the movement-
We accept the love we think we deserve.

I'm A Mother!

That's right! You heard me!
I'm a mother.
To a baby...

Tree.

Remember my baby pomegranate tree?

It's finally sprouted.

I shall refrain from naming it, as of yet.
It's so small, I can't even be certain it will survive.
But... Wow! I am just so....!
I'm growing a tree!
I'll have it as long as I live if I do this right!
It'll give me fruit, and oxygen.
It helps me save the planet.

Should I talk to it?
Play it music?

I feel silly,

but my, it's a beauty. Been in the world only a day or two.

What a proud mommy I happen to be (:
I love my tree.

Looking out the window, at a very grey and sad winter day. But something green catches my eyes. Something small. Tiny. What is that?
Oh my gosh.

Love something smaller than you
& protect it

My One and Only Photo Shoot

One of my first tries with my dig camera, some of the pictures were alright
(the two girls in here, without a doubt, don't want their names used. if you know them, don't say their names! xD)

Setting? My room.
Clothing? All mine, from various sources.

Just noticed the redhaid has her head down of every picture xD oops. oh well. let's call it artistic

Where ever you are today,

and tomorrow,

find one thing that is pretty,

that's pleasing to look at

And I know, it's fun to pretend

In my house,

you need to shout to be heard.
Shout and repeat yourself many times.
Many. Many. Many times.

Sometimes I love how messy my house is

sometimes, everyone here just makes me want to scream.
Scream.

I can't deal with the constant "heated debates"
How my sister is aggressive with everything she says

my father is snide and rude

and my mother is intolerant.

Ee & I used to drink rootbeer whenever we were down.
"Ee, I failed my precal test"
"Aww honey. Rootbeer run?"
"Absolutely"
It's interesting, I think.
It was our beer. Our pot. Our de-stress.
I try not to drink it without her now

How does my heart feel,

in your hands?

I shouldn't have gotten so close.
Shouldn't have let you in.

I didn't want to care so much. I should have disconnected while I had the chance.

But, now this matters.
I wish this didn't matter.

Free falling

wishing I could fly
stars brushing my arms,

moon falling behind me,

accompanying my descent

Listen to music your best friend

loves, and you don't know.
It'll be alright.

Two words; Naive

Somedays it's easier to be hurt by you

and be angry at you,

than it is to listen and to comfort.
Than it is to be there and know,
I can't do anything.
(I'm sorry.)

I've never been drunk.
Because I've never drank.
Never smoked, anything.
Never been high off pills.
I don't go to partys,

I'm a virgin.
I don't go to church.
I don't eat breakfast.
I used to have an eating disorder.
I used to be so depressed, and in a scary place.
I used to want to do all those things;
Drink, smoke, get high, party, have sex, find god (or give him the middle finger), and eat more.
I don't know why I just... didn't.
(except for eating more. I'm healthier now)
& I'm sure if I thought about it, I'd think of so many more things that I could add to that list of thing's I've never done.
I feel young and inexperianced today.
I feel like I know nothing about the world,

and, that I'm naive.
Didn't you once warn me about that?
"Don't be naive, ______-"
Well,

I can look at this list and say,

these aren't things I want to be experianced with,

and that's true,

but somehow I can't help feeling like I haven't

really lived yet.

It's a cold one again kiddos. Minus 37

Bundle up! Stay warm!
And if you go skating,

hold someone's hand for warmth.

Book to read:
The Edible Women
By Margaret Atwood

Oh, Money can't buy you love-

But it can buy you a good time.

Who remembers that?
Ah, Brandon a year ago. What adventures it had in store for us all.
Moving on,
I spent far too much money over the past week or so. Between my "radical need" and my realization that I have 2 years university socked away in a savings bond, I allowed myself to overspend.
However, here a mixture of what I did (: Because I like things. I'm materialistic. It's true. I won't deny it.

First off, Food.
Oh my goodness. I have this things
with expensive, delicious food.
I went to Cora's with a friend on Friday
for breakfast.
Does anyone else but me think over $15 for breakfast

is a little bit completly ridiculous?
Oh, but it was good. I have no regrets.

Second, and my guilty pleasure.
Niva products.

I absolutly love all things Niva.
The smell so clean, and they do wonders for your skin...
I have over 10 different products by them

A month, I probably spend $20+

Third. Shoes.
The other day I bought a pair of

perfectly awful, but awfully cool

Red Fringe Boots.
$40. Wonderful.
Earlier I bought (my first!)

pair of black heels. $30

Four. Not an everyday expense
But I finally got a new sweater.
Finally, because I only had one that fit and worked.
Purple, on sale, $20

Five. Makeup.
Although I don't wear a crap load of makeup,
I love fun colours. I really really do.
I love eyeshadow, though you'll never see me wear it at school.
I always wear a TINY bit of mascara,

and if I'm tired, a little black eyeliner on the bottom lid,

for an exotic look (:
As well,

my new favourite thing in the world,

is a caffine eye roller.
It gets rid of puffs under the eyes so quickly,

after a long night of crying/partying/studying/WHATEVER

this thing is a lifeline. I swear.

Six. Something I actually get CHEAP.
Headbands.
I have one lululemon head band. Cost me ten bucks.
I learned my lesson.
I have 6 headbands (no-name)
Cost me $1.21
Easy. & I love the colours.


This mightbe my only ever fashion blog. Enjoy it kids

Any good buys lately kids?