But I still have my secret weapon; This, my brave and hopeful heart.
It's been one of those weeks that just sap my energy completly.
I want nothing more than to just spend friday and the rest of the weekend in bed, sleeping or reading.


I hate fighting with you.
Even not fighting with you,
but still knowing that something is brewing;
something is just under the surface.

Goodevening,
if seeing you across the room
makes me smile this way,
then move a little closer.
Darling if you see me staring,
its the man I finally see.
I can't explain how
in the car I saw the man;
and he not knowing
how he means to me.
Fingers speaking to skin,
I cannot say how I knew then
the man was hiding.
I drink in your grave face and
cool mannerisms,
as you recklessly indanger
and enjoy.
My cheek feels yours;
if you care to know, it was warm and sweet.
Grave face and careless hands,
you look at me.
I am aware of your eyes, and how even though your mouth is grim, you are sparkling.
is that for me?
Your tongue tells me
my eyes are celery in the sunlight m'dear.
And my stomach flips.
Pity for the world wells up,
they are not in my place.

For Now, Heavens In New York

He had no poise
no drop dead looks
and yet,
this little crooked smile
played on his lips

and something about it became him.

Maybe its the lighting
Maybe its the timing.
his shirt
the way coffee jumps in my stomach.
maybe its me.

Maybe its me sitting here
with fresh eyes
and unused to clean air.

Maybe its the way the sun came out, or how he said "excuse me" so politely.
Or how the birds are out again, after so long.

Maybe its him.
And Me.

"[it's scary/it's glorious]"

you are the elephant in the room, fast asleep.
We tiptoe about you, careful, ever careful, so not to rouse you.
So you won't awaken and crush us all
[me]
Your weight, importance, cannot be discounted.
One day you'll open one weary eye
and see me again
- awakened and infuriated, you are less large gentle bumbling elephant, more calculating, wild, preditor animal. -
and you will try to reclaim me
with bright scary eyes
large fumbling hands.
And he who tiptoes with me
shall try to slay you.
How do you slay what also exists in the mind, as real as outside?
How do you banish what will mearly
easily
return?

She is wearing rags and feathers, from Salvation Army counters

it's odd, knowing that
everything i've regretted recently,

has lead me here to you, and your absense.
Every lover
with eyes that warm and hands that tear;
Looking around my workshop

[as it is tonight, just that] I see evidence
of myself in everything:
the stickie note above the bed, the cup of coffee and glass of water. A pair of heels. A kleenex box perched percariously on a stack of books. 5 notebooks in plain sight.
The absense of you.
The dreams [nighmares] skulking on the cealing, reaching down occasionally to tickle my face or pull my hair.
If I were brave, I'd deal with them.
Banishing some, letting others go - after tender goodbyes - and helping a few down, making them adjust and adapt to reality;
'til I once again have control

[in the absense of you]

a voice whispers : there is
poetry
in the dark my darling, and what are you?
Sandy gritty eyes [my own]
peel open to have a look about;
What poetry where? Who's darling am I tonight?
"What I am" has little consequence tonight - while voice unseeable whisper, priorities shit to accomidate them [& besides, the only part of that statement that is new to is not that]
What poetry?
The stuff in my mind, the words of madness' voice? Or is it perhaps under my pillow? At the foot of my bed, or hiding in a cup? Hovering above me [ in such case, perhaps it entered with our friend here]
I blink at the sand in my eyes.
When did time move from 1 to 4?
Why am I afriad - when did I find the time for his nightmare?
I shiver.
4 to 10am.
The poetry came with the sun.

I'll try to be brave like you

A foundling

He left himself on my doorstep,
abandoned in the shabby
basket of his own ribs.

My heart wept custard:
I took him in.

Warmed in the kitchen,
he swelled, absorbing.
He will not leave.
I am afraid to move him.

What should I feed him?

He never talks. He sits
in the middle of the kitchen floor
staring at the bright scars
traced on his body, fascinated.

At first
I thought that they were notched
on him by pain
but now I see

that they are only the coloured pictures
of places he once
lived, and think
that no-one else has ever been.

Sometimes, when Steven and I are driving,

we'll sing together, this song or that one.
Often:

"
The flower said I wish I was a tree
The tree said I wish I could be
A different kinda tree.
The cat wished that it was a bee.
The turtle wished that it could fly
really high into the sky
over rooftops and then dive deep into the sea.
And in the sea there is a fish
A fish that has a secret wish
A wish to be
A big cactus
with a pink flower on it.
And the flower would be its offering
of love
To the desert,
And the desert, so dry and lonely,
that the creatures would appreciate the effort.
"

I've spent my day waiting around for him to get home from work, so we can have dinner, then go to the carnival.
(First one of the year! YES!)
Expect pictures everyone!

























Close your eyes, clear your heart.
Cut the cord.
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital.
My hands are cold,
and I'm on my knees,
Looking for the answer.






I'm sure sometimes, we all have that crushing, overpowering need
to just
get the hell out.
Hop on a bus
head downtown.
Establish ourselves,
be independant,
be happy.

Are you happy?
Are you alright, dreaming of home,
in your own safe bed?
Do you close your eyes and see me
like that day?
You on the ground,
eyes to the sky,
me shaking if mirth,
on my knees to help you up?
Do you see as that,
or do you see me as my nightmares?
Taken over, small and glass.
Somedays I can't be sure
which you think I am.
Somedays I'm not sure which I actually am.
Somedays I want to sneak out my window,
because someone threw rocks at it.

I feel lighter since I've met you

Take a deep breath, steady myself...

Here I go.

You said I love you,

and I contridicted you.
You corrected yourself, humbled.
You told me you're falling for me.
And some how before I could question you,

the subject was quickly changed.

I'm in a bit of a whirl and a tizzy.
Were you just being your odd,

ironic sort of funny?
Do I really want this?
Do you?

Is this finally more than it's been,

finally closer to what I may have wanted?

I'm falling too.

I'll find some answers tonight,

one way or another, mark my words.

Today I was awake for the sunrise

There's nothing left to do but move forward,

I'm finally ready for something good.

I'll make friends with my past,

and try not to show that I'm scared.

I'll tell them I'm sorry,

tell them the truth.

I'll make sure they know

that I loved them.

The people in our lives save us

a little bit, each day.

For the first time in a long time,

I think I can make peace with you.

Maybe soon,

I can make peace with me.

I've been kinda down lately.
I don't know, maybe too many sad songs.
But you know when things all just feel...
too much?

Yeah.



I can't tell the difference between
black and white anymore.
It's quiet here today,
and I can hear the quiet
even if I hum to myself.
It's hard enough without feeling
like I've killed
this little part of you.
It was quite a lie
to make me think that this
was more than it was, I suppose.
My fault, or yours?
Cause I stood still,
I closed my eyes,
I let you take
all you wanted from me.
If I'm not to blame,
If I'm not the reason,
then what am I?
Heartbroken is extreme,
but battered and bruised sounds
close to me.
And nothings riding in
from the distance
to save me.
I've contridicted everything
I ever wanted.
I've left behind everything from
before
and am left
only with these
fragments
these bruises that
refuse to yellow and fade.
This hand that still aches
from that too-hard-squeeze.
Who am I,
now that I am no longer
defined by what you do?
In the night
I know I am defined by what you did.
By what I allowed.
I see you in every pair of hands.
You saw the terror in my eyes that day.
And you dare to ask me
why.
And you dare to beg me
and I dare to cry one more time,
before I fall asleep to be defined again.
I am doomed
to know that this is
unchangable,
and I am responsible,
that my anchor crushed me
and I am lost inside this quiet tonight.

Wow, it is chilly out today.

My friend had to work today, three shifts.
One at his full time job, two djing.
One of his djing jobs was outside near my house,
so i walked and brought him coffee and we hung out, got a bite to eat before he took me home, afterwhich he headed to his next dj gig.


Work. I've applied at McD's.
Wow, right?
Places like that crush my soul, but really,
as a teenager, I can't be picky about where I work.
Money is money, right? Right.
Really, what is there available for someone like me.

Qualifications:
- Writes 3 hours a day, at least
- Daydreamer
What is there out there for people like us?
Tom's a Dj. I wouldn't mind doing that actually. When I'm 18, I'll give it a try. The program he uses is really cool, and I could definitely be a great Dj.

But anyways, McDicks.
Well, what can I say? It can't be all that bad, right? All jobs suck when your young.

Take me home, I don't want to be alone
tonight


Once I saw you leaping over obstacles,
and I smiled, thinking how your energy was complimentary.
I lost sight of you for a while.
I forgot to look at you.
Once I saw you again, making your way uphill,
dropping everything for me,
and staying with me.
I didn't lose sight of you again,
but I guess I lost perspective

I guess I lost sight altogether.
And now?

I find myself content to play it by ear.
Is this really me?
I find it hard to believe.

Is this really how it is?
Is this really

real?

Alright so I'm redoing this post.

It was too screaming, although satisfying :)

One of my best friends, Tom, went to NYC to audition for theater schools.
He auditioned for three.

The Atlantic,
The AADA,
and some other place

As of tuesday, he was accepted into #1 and #3,
waiting on the letter from the AADA.

Wed he calls me.

He got the letter.

He's 3 for 3.

And whats more,

The AADA, the best theater school in North America
gave him an $8000 scholarship.

I did NOT accidently add an extra 0.

Eight thousand dollars.


I freaked out, majorly. As did he.

Tom is so talented. This is nothing less than what he deserves, working three jobs and all.
It's not a surprise, but it's exciting nonetheless!
Not surprising, but unreal!

I'm still full of bubbles and joy for you baby!!!!!

Him and I are going out friday night to celebrate.
We're going to cause a scene. :)

Books, Books, Books, Writing, You, Books.

Good Day.
I am, in shorts.
What with my obsession with warm weather lately?
Like i said, Spring fever.

Rooftop nights.
I feel your body's heat

through clothing, air, and more clothing,

as we do not touch

skin to skin

just yet.

Tree tops are bare still.
Cold grey arms reaching

up and out.
Lights beneath them

illuminating, enhancing.

The railing is cold

under bare arms.
Mine, and I assume yours.

We measure our hands against

eachother.
Funny.
Your arms are now more real than the ones below.
Funny.
I always fancied my hands large, 'til now.

You smile and say
"Being so high and in the wind, blowing your hair about,

you look like a nymph my dear."

I say,
"I like the freckle on your forearm"

Dear Fellow Writers.
What does your space look like?
Or spaces, as many of us have.

I must say, although my room is well equipped:
-Good chair
-Bullentin Board
-Book area
-Several Dictionaries, Thesaureses and Grammer Use Guides
-Good lighting;
I just cannot seem to write in it.

I find I always write better in the classroom, or outdoors.
Why, you ask?
In the classroom, there is either the constant do something energy, or the be quiet fill your time with your own thoughts energy. It has a clock, to keep me slightly motivated. Whatever subject I am in adds to the truth in my content, and the people around me to the characters. The chairs and desk, allbeit uncomfortable at times, are a good height for writing.
Outside, there is life
...need i say more?

Why books make the best gifts:

Books last forever.

A hardcover book costs less than:
A pair of brand new jeans, of moderate quality.
One steak from a fancy restaurant.
2 or 3 Venti what-ever-you-drink from Starbucks
2 Packs of Cigarettes
One Quarter of the lastest, greatest "Kicks"
A medium sized box of chocolates from Laura Secord.
A boquet of nice flowers.

A paperback costs less than:
One tube of good lipstick.
A modest meal for two at Mickies
A Brand New Cd
A Pair of Earrings

And besides,
if we, the people who call ourselves writers,
do not buy books,
Who will?

Last annoying writing note.
Today, several times,
I had to correct my english student teacher.
She doesn't use imply and infer correctly.


Imply: To suggest or indicate
Infer: To conclude or assume.
I imply that I have an issue with people misusing words. And you infer that I am OCD and a crazy grammer bitch

Yes, they know that it will pass,

but,

if you are a friend of any sort than,

play along

and catch a cold.

Ne me quitte pas mon cher

I have little to write about,
or little words to write with.
Am I the only one in that funk?

This Love - Maroon 5;
I loved this song in grade 6
which I think is when it first came out.
My best friend at the time got me their cd for my birthday.
I lost it at somepoint.

I always have been a scatter brained child.

Other than that, life is much the same. Long weekend.
No Easter plans for me. My family isn't like that.
I look forward to books, coffee, walks,
and people.

Today, I look forward to going for a walk by myself, with my camera.
Tomorrow, I look forward to seeing a friend.

Camera time.

I would add up what you mean to me, but I cannot do the math. But, needless to say you're the one, that I need the most. Because the only one I come undone for's you. The only one I come undone for's you.

The sun is out. It feels like it's been hiding from us for so long, but now, I have my living room windows open. Wind and sun is streaming in, and my arms are both warm and cold at the same time.
We are a society of sun worshippers. Or, if not, I am. Every day the sun is out, I want to be out too. Out walking and listening to music, drinking bitter acidic coffee, jumping in leftovers puddles.
Every time you jump in a puddle, it gets a little smaller

I don't know why, but school is making me so tired lately. Maybe it's my 30lbs backpack. Maybe its the change in the weather, or the fact that my body is in denial after a week of relaxation. Maybe I'm just lazy lately - I'm not getting enough excersise? Maybe it's too much coffee and too little food. All I know is that the minute i get home, pull my math out, onto my lap, I sink right into the couch and can't move for at least an hour. Gives me time do get some math done at least! =)
My friend is down in NewYorkCity. I've been missing him. Monday he called me (and i missed the call! MAN!) But when I got online, he was able to chat with me for a few minutes before he left.
He called me from BROADWAY! A payphone on BROADWAY!
I must admitt, that made me so happy. It's not even something I can describe. Just... Wow.
I have the number saved on my phone
"Broadway PayPhone" it says. ☺

This one's for Carmen :
We don't know eachother well enough! We go for walks - not often enough - and we have a killer time, laughing and making snow angels and talking over eachother and smoking and drinking coffee.
When you're not in chamber or choir, i miss you like mad! not just because your voice supports mine, and because you're GOODNESS and volume gives me confidence, but because it's AWFUL not having anyone to giggle with and chat with when we shouldnt be ^^
I have spring fever.
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Best friends

taking odd sideways photos at safeway? yes.
we do that.

I love you like a favourite pair of jeans.

Means everytime we talk, no matter how much has changed,

nothing really has.

What would i do in life without my best friends?
Specifically, that one?

-Points-

Means fighting to the death over a cell phone, or the last piece of pizza, and laughing at the loser. "Too bad sucker!" we'd shout, and then help the other person off the ground, only to push them down, and run away screaming.

Remember that time, Ee, when we went out walking in the summer?
It was really really hot, and we went to VV? I bought a big man shirt. We stole a balloon, didn't we? Or did we just think about it?
And we got lost trying to get back to me house.

Remember when in grade 10, H and I stole you? You were heading to practicum, and we kidnapped you, took you to the mall instead? We called to tell the school you couldn't make it, and low and behold, there was no school that day anyways! We went to the mall, laughing, had A&W, and bought some nonesense stuff.

Remember when we would be bored and restless, and say, MEET YOU HALF WAY, and run to the half way point between our houses, at which point we would collide and just lay on some strangers lawn, laughing? Remember the day I brought you chocolate?

Remember the day you me and your dad went out for coffee at tims? We got back to your house, and there was an offer for it right there on the counter as you and I walked in. We knew the house would be sold then, and we joked too loudly about tearing it up or hiding it. And I sat on your RIDICULOUSLY steep stairs, and tried not to cry? And you freaked out, tried to cheer me up, and slipped on the floor? Remember how empty your house felt that day?

Remember the day you and that guy broke up? And we just ran at eachother in the halls, and hugged, both of us crying? Even that guy i was with hugged you, you were so sad? Remember how much rootbeer you drank that day?

Wow, remember root beer? Remember how everyday we would drink root beer? Remember how we couldnt survive precal without one? Remember precal, for that matter? That semester was a disaster!

Remember Mr.Howdle? And how we would walk out of his class when the weather was nice, and eat pizza outside, and not go back til class was over? Remember Mr.Fritze, and the other guy? Remember the point system?!

Remember "Pebbles?"

Remember the tracks? How everything was better on the tracks. We lived our lives on the tracks.

Remember the day I told you what happened between crocs and me?

And the floor? And the droopy asparagus, cooked asparagus, CUCMBER? Remember the limo ride, and all those blasted mini doughtnuts?

Remember our downtown adventures? The picnic table, the park, "polo park", the exchange? Remember Zac, and meeting him? Remember the fair trade expo?

OH!
Remember that morning when it was raining, but we were at school early, so we went for a walk to starbucks? We were SOAKED by the time we got back to school, and had to wear gym clothing as our real ones were in the foods room drier?

All the faces we made?

Scientology?

Oh my gosh... Ee how much have we done and been through together.

Us, just two broke artists, who know ALL about the evils of retail and fast food. We're gonna grow up and be the same as ever.

Hell, we are growing up, aren't we?
Idunno. I guess all this was just to say --

For Ee : I cherish you. Never will there be another person in my life like you, or as important to me as you are. And everyday I tell SOMEONE a story about you or us.

For everyone : Hold tight to your best friend, make sure they know theyre loved, make sure you know you love them. Go have an adventure with them. You know they want one too.

Thinking of you late at night

Is the world too sad for you today babe?
I'll be the sunlight, I'll be the laughter and the smile

I'll be the girl on the other end of the phone line,

the girl answering your texts

with weak jokes and joy and love.
Is the world too sad for you today dearest?
I'll sing for you

I'll tell you what you need to hear

I'll listen with baited breath.

Sometimes I wish you would wake up and think of me for a change,

but I know I'm always on your mind soon enough.
Sometimes I wish you would take me away,
because I can't imagine any other place.

Are you feeling all alone?
Is the world too cold to face today?
That's okay.
I've been there too.
We'll stay inside today.
I'll make you tea,

you read aloud,

we'll fight off the grey together love,

keep our toes warm under covers.

Sometimes I wish I was all you saw,

like you when you call me as you're driving home.
Sometimes I wish I belonged to you,

and you'd never let me go too far away.
Because you'd know how much I mean to you,

because you'd know how much you mean to me.
Because we'd know that this might be

The-Be-All-And-End-All.
The,

Hold-Your-Breath-Because-I-Don't-Want-To-Miss-A-Sound.

Since when do I write love poetry?
Since when do I smile like this

at the thought of you

calling me to say
"Goodmorning May! I missed you while we slept."
And why do I think of you

at the oddest times of day?
And why do I grin like that when you text me lines of

"Mayflower, I don't ever want to lose you"

Sometimes I wish it was just that easy.
That we should be, so will be.
Sometimes I wish you could stay here,

or at least I could go with you.