Jimmy Choo-less.

Oh Golly I haven't written in so long.

Once upon a time there was a pair of crocs.
No.
Once upon a time there was a girl.
This girl had thrown away her old shoes in a fit of fury. Poof. Gone.
It was wonderful, she was happy, and barefoot.
But,
winter was coming.
And a pair of crocs said to her,
"take me. Take me home, I'm comfortable."
And the girl took the fact to be so, and in doing so took the shoes.
No longer barefoot.
Her crocs were indeed comfortable. They were fantastic for everyday use.
But they were crocs.
Made out of rubber. They had holes in them and let the cold in. And try as hard as you can to dress them up, they're still just crocs.
The girl liked the crocs fine.
But sometimes,
she felt the need to put on a pair of heels.
Of, oh say, Jimmy Choo Stilettos.
With gold studs on the heel.
And yes the crocs were fine,
but really, fine can only get you so far.
And today,
the girl is wondering what to do about those crocs,
the ones she took home and often feels so devoted to, and often so detached.
Why can't she find a pair of heels in her size?

What is art to you?

Art is something that speaks to me
that jumps out and grabs me and shakes me.
Something that is so achingly beautiful and I can't look away
and, contrastingly, so ordinarily wonderous that you don't ever realize it.

Choralfest inspired thoughts

I really miss summer




Life is making me tired.
here's hoping things calm down soon.
after seuss is done *half smile*

I'm eating perogies.


Choralfest was today.
it went fine. Really, I moved through it half asleep.

Today I wonder,
why is it there are some people in life you are just inexplicably drawn to.
Even though you don't want to be?
Even though you know it just wouldn't work out
or that the person isn't what they seem,
you just can't help but crave their company?

And, on the flip side,
the people you love so much that they're just always there.
Even when really, they aren't.
You know they're still around,
know vaugly every motion they are most likely going through at the moment.
Know that if you called them up in a flash you'd be out on the town.
I wonder what makes such a security?

And,
why is it life decides to throw two people together,
who are so alike and so different.
who finish eachothers thoughts, look at the same thing at the sam time,
who are like different version of eachother,
and rip them apart?
How is this fair in any way?
Is it selfish to want them to stay then?
Is it wrong to want to, perhaps, hold them back, keep them here?

I don't know.

I have nothing to write about

my back hurts.
i have homework to do.
seussical is soon.
choralfest is tomorrow.
music is good.

57 minutes; By example; 32 days; Hotwings and, waterbras

Many Mumbling Mice

are making midnight music in the moonlight

mighty nice.




+I got a call from a certain someone the other day. I hadn't heard their voice in a while. We talked for 57 minutes. It made me smile (No half smiles, right bud?!) And we talked about... nothing. And it felt good. I had forgotten I miss them.



+Why didn't I just think of doing something before?! Lead by example. Maybe we can do this. Maybe, we can make this work.



+Christmas shopping has thus far been, a success. Did you know there's only 2 more paydays, and 32 more shopping days left until Christmas? Ye-oza. I got something for my sister and my mum already. Father is going to be harder, his birthday just passed, so he already got presents, and now i have to try again. =P



+Tonight is Trish's birthday party. At Hooters. (yeah. i know. but i love her so i'm going.) I'm excited because there'll be people i haven't seen for so long who mean alot to me, and at least one friend from the states coming up. And, I like hot wings.



mmmm, hotwings



my sister says that at Hooters, part of the uniform requierment is water bras. To those ignorant to what those are (as I was until 2 minutes ago) apparently they make you like, a cup size bigger.
Oh, what a night I am in for. *sigh*



+We are hear, to create heaven on earth

Tomorrow is too soon

If I told you I loved you tomorrow, do you think it'd be too late?
Because when you told me you loved me so long ago
I thought to myself
"No"

What a simple word to say.
"No"

But I can't say I'll love you tomorrow,
however i wish it were true.
I feel the need to lie to you tomorrow,
because I'm worried when I can,
it'll be too late.


And I cryed over this today
And I cryed over me
And how I have been.
Because I look around and say,
"Maybe it is too late for me to change how I've been"
And then I blink and finish
"It's not too late for me to change how I'll be"
Because I don't want regret to claw at me each day
When I watch each thing continue.
When I was little I had this thing,
I would just sit on the porch and look.
I would look and look.
And my mother would call it, watching the world go by.
And I feel like that today.

New York is calling, and you know it's haunting me

So there is this new york summer writing program.
I'd stay in the resident hall of juliard
spend 3 hours a day being taught by professers,
3 hours of free writing,
and every day/night go to open mic nights, 3 or 4 theater proformances, every museum, and take a few tours.
I'd stay there for two weeks.

Only 26 people get in.
I need an essay, 3 or 4 writing examples, two teacher recommendations, and $4000.

I'm working on the essay.

Does anyone have some favourtie pieces of mine they've read? I'm having trouble picking


Here's the start of my essay. Tell me what you think.


Essay for Teen Ink's Summer Writing Program
Let's start with the basics. My name is ______ ___ _________. When I'm older, I plan on dropping my last name and just going by ______ ___. It has nothing to do with my family. I love my family. I just feel that a name should reflect who a person is. I would rather have a short simple name than a long name.
I adopt little pen names for myself. The most recent one being “Verity Amani”, which means “Truth” and “Dreams.” Contrasting idea's perhaps, but everyone holds contradicting truths in them.
My family is basic in a sense as well. My mother, my father, my sister, and me. My mother is a nurse who works night. My father works at a company that doesn't appreciate him. My sister is 17 and the most driven person I know; an artist, 90% average student, works two jobs. I'm a writer, I work and I am in every music group I can get my hands on. I'm the youngest in my family, at the tender and silly age of 16. We are a weird group of people, my family and I. We are all so busy that family dinners don't really exist, or family game nights, or family vacations, or other such myths, but we always find time to catch up on what everyone is doing, even if it's only at the family calendar where we put where everyone will be each day. My mother and father are very supportive of my sister's and my choice to stray from the path of professionalism in career choices, and in our various art forms. My parents have donated the laundry room to my sister as a workshop for cutting and grinding glass. As I write this today, my father is downstairs setting up my sister's new kiln. I get the support I need from them with simple things like their purchases of notebooks for me, giving me some time each day to sit down and write, distracting me when it isn't going well, and letting me apply to various camps that cost so much that the whole family feels it. Whenever my writing aggravates me, my mother makes it a point to cheer me up by getting me to watch funny old movies with her, making funny faces across the room at me, and laughing so loudly at things and herself that I can't but help laughing along with her. (At her too!)
For the past two summers I have gone to International Music Camp, for drama, choir, and of course, creative writing. This camp is very much a part of me and who I am. Not a day goes by where I don't fondly remember writing in the grass there, while one of the bands in the hut behind me plays bluegrass, Metallica covers, and Mozart. Creative Writing week there was very loosely structured, with the mornings for group meetings where we would read different authors, learn about different writing styles, and be invited to try them out. We were giving lots of free writing time, in which we could meet with our instructors to talk about our writing, or a specific style, or even just our career paths. We were encouraged to become a family of our own, to be unafraid to share what we create, and to most importantly, create ourselves, not just find ourselves. I remember well, one of my favorite instructors telling me that writing is “the heart in conflict with itself.” Something about that has always stuck with me. I discover a piece of myself at camp each year, however, I realize also that I need to go everywhere and try everything to know, so this year I hope I can be accepted into Teen Ink's Writing Program, and learn what it has to offer me.
I have always dreamed of going to New York.

Legs to chest, just breathe

Sitting on the bathroom sink,
I catch a half glimpse of myself in the mirror
Eye's in the back of my head,
I thought,
"Well, perhaps, maybe not. Maybe I don't have to be this way."
And I wrapped my arms around my legs and closed my eyes.
I left my shower on, the steam making breathing a little easier.
And the bathroom cabinit was closed, making living a little more possible.
It's Mania, back again to claw at the door.
But today I locked the bathroom door,
today I won't let it back in.
And when the clawing dies down,
I'll go back to my room, and stare at the map on the floor.
Here to montreal, there to new york.
I look at the pictures on the wall.
I take a deep breath, hum to myself, and fall asleep,
legs to chest

The Maps will just have to stay the same for a while

Dancing makes me feel good about myself when I get it.
Or, alternatively,
when I don't worry about getting it, or people looking at me.
When I just have fun with it and smile huge.

I've been silly with these little mini panic attacks. Without a doubt.
I just need to suck it up and work harder.
How can I even think about dropping yet another something that I love so much?
Can't.
So the only solution is to drink more coffee and work harder.


Do you feel me,
I'm hiding beside you today.
Behind you.
In your shadow.
I like it there,
it's so safe and lovely in the cool dark of you.
So can't I please stay here?
Not have to go out
find my own place in the world?
It's so safe hiding.
So safe imitating Hemingway, and Atwood.
So safe making my voice sound like hers.
Someday I'll leave this.
But today,
I don't want to.
I want to simply enjoy the security of the tried and true.
Or the tried and lied.
Because I want to create something new
But I'm too sure I can.
I can't be as great as I want to be.
And one day I'll look back on when I was young and say
Why didn't I push myself more
but today
I want to stay right here forever.
I can write how Longtin wants me to.
I can do that.
I can write the way readers want me to.
I can write how anyone wants me to, I can.
Finding myself is so hard today.
So hard I almost would rather trap myself forever in something not true?
Perhaps not,
but for now...
For now allow me the indulgance to mix and match my frightening own-ness
with something that struck a chord.
I don't copy words.
I won't steal other's words
But I will borrow their voice
or their style.
My own is still too small and weak.
Forgive me.
One day.
One day, a promise to both me and you.

36 days guys, so get to it

I'd laugh, really I would
but I'm so god damn frustrated.

I love my musical.
It's my life, it really is.
Don't look at me in that, "your only a chorus member, whatever" kind of way.
Yes I'm only a company member. Yes, I'm not as talented as you.
But I promise, I know, I care twice as much, if not more, than this project than you.

You, and you, and you, and you.
4 Leads.
You know who I mean.

Because I would not get up and walk out of practise.
Or be so rude to the teacher.

You guys are leads.
You are examples.
So be good ones.
If you don't care, it transfers onto the entire cast
and I'll be damned if this musical sucks because of you.

And to the chorus,
maybe you don't see the urgancy like some of us do,
but we are 36days away from having this on a stage, in front of an audience.

I know you all are busy and feel swamped
but does it take so much effort to be quiet while we're being instructed, being taught, given directions?

Does it take so much to pull out your music once every few days and try to get it memorized, or bang some notes yourself?

Or to show up prepared for runs and costume parades, to go over your dance steps once a week on your own?

I don't mean to sound "holier than thou" here
But I'm so tired and frustrated that I just want to scream.
I did, today.
And cried over this.
Cried for the first time in months.

I have no intentions on mentioning this again.
I did my part. I talked privatly with some people, yelled at others in public, (regretably) and wrote this.

I love you all. I know you all have the best intentions and want what I want.
But now we need to make it happen.

As I said, I won't bring this up again. It's someone elses turn.
I gave it a try. Maybe the next person will be more succesful.

Lord. Where's Paul and Ali's inspirational speechs when we need them?

Stole it from Emma. Thanks dear.

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR? Being forgotten, the dark. The unknown. Death.
WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT STATE OF MIND? tired and stressed
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE OCCUPATION?(WAY OF SPENDING TIME) Writing. Reading. Wondering. Coffee with
WHAT HISTORICAL FIGURE DO YOU MOST IDENTIFY WITH? Nellie Bly, Daredevil Reporter Deluxe.
WHICH LIVING PERSON DO YOU MOST ADMIRE? hmmm.... Jeff barker
WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE FICTIONAL HERO? Vida Winter. Vida, "The Void". She's wonderful. From the book, "The Thirteenth Tale" She is someone who I want to be, I want to look like, I want to write like.
WHO ARE YOUR REAL-LIFE HEROES? Jeff Barker. Seriously. Jeff is an inspiration to me
WHAT IS YOUR MOST TREASURED POSSESSION? My journals, and my bullitin board. The board holds all my IMC stickies, my jounrals hold my thoughts. Both are parts of me
WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU HAPPIEST? At IMC, on the picnic tables in the sun, with some good friends
WHAT IS YOUR MOST OBVIOUS CHARACTERISTIC? I'm so blunt, I'm sarcastic. I don't know.
WHAT IS THE TRAIT YOU MOST DEPLORE (HATE) IN YOURSELF? My bluntness and sarcasm.
WHAT IS THE TRAIT YOU MOST DEPLORE IN OTHERS? People who aren't all there. People who only give a little piece of themselves, people who don't try and don't take risks and simply don't care.
WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST EXTRAVAGANCE? Scarves. Food. I love weird exotic food, I love expensive restaurants with weird stuff.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE JOURNEY? The one from Here to IMC
WHAT DO YOU MOST DISLIKE ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE? There's a lot. A lot a lot.
WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER THE MOST OVER-RATED VIRTUE? Polietness.
ON WHAT OCCASION DO YOU LIE? To save a friends butt, or my own.
WHICH WORDS OR PHRASES DO YOU MOST OVER-USE? This is true. Not even kidding.
IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE? In the end, I don't think I would.
WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER YOUR GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT? Best playwrite at IMC. Oh how I cryed. This is connected to me learning to put my work and myself out there.
WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE? New York.
WHAT IS THE QUALITY YOU MOST ADMIRE IN A MAN? The ability to be outgoing but still a quiet reserved person comes to mind right now. An open, honest nature. Someone who doesn't beat around the bush about things, isn't too shy to tell me how he feels
WHAT IS THE QUALITY YOU MOST ADMIRE IN A WOMAN? Good question. I think, the ability to declair themselves as is, as an independant person without lettings outside forces control it too much
WHAT IS IT YOU MOST DISLIKE? Saddness
WHAT DO YOU VALUE MOST IN YOUR FRIENDS? They fact that I know they care about me, how theyre always there for me no matter what stupid ideas I come up with or mistakes I make or things I say. No matter how far away they are. Or if we don't talk for three months, and then i call them in tears, and they drop everything to pick me up and go for coffee. I love my friends for their love. I love them because we feed off of every quality eachother has and become the best of everyone when we are together.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DIE? Knowing I made a difference in my life or in my death
IF YOU WERE TO DIE AND COME BACK AS A PERSON OR AN ANIMAL, WHAT DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE? A person because then I can do more. I always want to do more.
IF YOU COULD CHOOSE AN OBJECT TO COME BACK AS, WHAT WOULD YOU CHOOSE? A tree. Does that count?
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO (WORDS YOU LIVE BY OR THAT MEAN A LOT TO YOU)? Meditate on it, think about it, write about it, then let it happen.
WHO HAS BEEN THE GREATEST INFLUENCE ON YOU? A couple teachers, and, as much as I hate to admit this, Nelson.

Breakfast at Sal's

So last week Saturday I woke up early for work.
Mother asleep, Sister at work already.
Father was there though.
As I shuffled around my house looking for breakfast, he came in from outside.
He explain how we had no milk or bread or toaster waffles or instant breakfasts.
So he told me to get dressed.
So I did.
So he took me out for breakfast at Sal's before work.

We used to do this alot, he and I.
Back when I was little, my mum was in university, and my sister had jazz ballet and gymnastics (at that age i called them gymnasties.)
my dad would take me either to A&W for bagels and cream cheese or to Sals's, where i would always get a cheese nip and fries.
We sit and chat about this and that.

We haven't done this since I was 8 or so.

However, not much had changed. Not the tables, not the booths, the spotty cutlery or grimy glasses.
This time around I ordered french toast and coffee.

I remember the time I spilled an entire glass of chocolate milk, so my dad and I sneakily switched tables and pretended we never sat there or made the mess.
I remember my dad teaching me to blow the straw wrappers at people.

That day my dad told me something.
That he is waiting for me to do something.
"____, I'm waiting for you to do something"
"Do something."
"Yes"

He told me that he keeps hearing about all these incredibly talented people who don't do anything for a really long time, and then one day, they just finally do something, and their whole life sets in motion. He said he knows I'm talented, and can be as succesful as I want to be

Am I talented?
Will I be succesful?
What will I do?
Is my life not already in motion?

Things to ponder on I suppose.

Heaven on Earth

We are here to continue infinity

We are here to live

We are here, to create heaven on earth

I would.
I will.

i) you lept over a bench and shook my hand
ii) you dropped your stuff and let me leap on you
iii) we compared fishbelly arms and you walked me home

Colour is beautiful

I miss the ocean so much

Drop the attitude

It's a cold night without you here
& an empty day without your face.

but i found a new sun

and i said goodbye to you.
and i said goodbye.

goodbye, good luck.

you'll get no more posts for you.

Tag, I'm it

Cool stuff, I've been tagged.
By the ever delightful Bev http://a-bev-blog.blogspot.com/

Rules: mention the person who nominated you, and list 6 unimportant things that make you happy. tag a few blogs and state the rules on your blog. Notify them with a comment on their blog that they have been tagged!

1) Text messages from friends I haven't seen in a while.
2) Big Glasses of cold Water
3) Thunderstorms
4) Canadian Music Groups
5) Coffee and Coffee dates

I hereby tag!

Zed-Double CC, for his poetry and his music. http://from-under-the-couch-cushions.blogspot.com/

My Piano Playing Talent, for his honesty http://jazzyjazzjazz.blogspot.com/

Captain Awesome because I enjoy reading him http://everyday-trash.blogspot.com/

Lucretia, Ee. For her wonderful thoughts, faith, her ideas, & her love. http://www.fightmediocracy.live.spaces.com/


My father has decided I am bi.
Gee dad,
thank you for informing me.
I wouldn't have known otherwise.
*rolls eyes*

I don't understand why he has decided such a thing.
Whatever.

Mr.Baker

Hey Cool-Kid.
Haven't seen your face in a few forever's.

What's that all about?
Guess it's my fault. I'm so god damn unavailable all the time.

Darling, I'll work less and ditch my other friends so we can go to the zoo or something again. God knows we love that zoo.
Or to the Scientology Church.
We can get raped. Oh joy of joys.

Zed you are one of my favourite IMC buddies. No lie. I think we stayed consistently the closest since.. god, has it been over a year now. And you will come to IMC this year. Even if I have to stuff you in my suitcase.

Oh Lordy, us and our shenanigans.

YOU ARE:
Ridiculously talented.
A Mild-mannered superhero

Hip!
Funny.
OUT OF FOCUS
A goofball.
WWZD
A vandel
A donkey..?!?!
A meerkat lover

A Smashing Pumpkin
An egg-hiding-inner

Super awesome party double C


I know we haven't hung around at all this past month, and hardly at all the month before, but I PROMISE we will this month. If not, you can punch me in the throat, mmkay?

Lots of love to you Zed!

Deep Water - Jewel

You find yourself falling down
Your hopes in the sky
But you heart like grape gum on the ground
And you try to find yourself
In the abstractions of religion
And the cruelty of everyone else
And you wake up to realize
Your standard of living somehow got stuck on survive
When you're standing in deep water
And you're bailing yourself out with a straw
And when you're drowning in deep water
And you wake up making love to a wall
Well it's these little times that help to remind
It's nothing without love
You wake up to realize your only friend
Has never been yourself or anybody who cared in the end
That's when suddenly everything fades or falls away
'Cause the chains which once held us are only the chains which we've made
When you're standing in deep water
And you're bailing yourself out with a straw
And when you're drowning in deep water
And you wake up making love to a wall
Well it's these little times that help to remind
It's nothing without love, love, love
It's nothing without love
We've compromised our pride
And sacrificed out health
We have to demand more
Not of each other
But more from ourselves
'Cause when you're standing in deep water
And you're bailing yourself out with a straw
When you're drowning in deep water
And you wake up making love to a wall
Well it's these little times that help to remind
It's nothing without love, love, love
It's nothing without love
It's nothing without love