i'd be lying
if i said that any of the others meant so much to me-
it's always been you.
its you in the morning when i wake up, and try to forget you aren't here.
its you when i'm walking to work,
its you when i'm lying next to him,
its you when i can't fall asleep
its you when im dreaming.
i'd be lying if i said
i havent always loved you.
id be lying if i said i could go on just as well.
and i'll be crying
the day you leave again
because now i know
its been me too.
its been me when you were with her.
its been me in the back of your mind.
and it'll be you
and it'll be me
when we go back to our respective places on this earth
that just happen to be
thousands of miles apart.
it's you today.
how could i never find the words til now?
i love you.
don't leave me again.
please

merry holidays.

finally

tell me,
do you recognize me?
its been so long,
and god knows
i've grown.
i see you
crossing the room
with that same old grin.

oh
youre coming nearer
oh
youre eyes are still so-

just a new women
one who must have so recently
been just a little girl
just another conquest
just another pair of eyes
lips
breasts.

and i falter
because i know if you touch me again
like you did so many- so long-
i'll shrink down
to orginal size.

after the battle,
i painted stars in our bedroom*
no prayers
no pleas
no promises.
i painted stars in the room
where we slept and wrote and moved and loved.
and with ever stroke
i breathed your name
and saw your face.
after the battle, when there was nothing left
i recreated us.
after the battle,
i awaited your return, as i promised i would.
no sobs
no screams
no songs.
i waited,
for the war we created to be won or lost.

i always have scraps of the beginnings of poems in my mind, but i hardly ever finish or go on with them

after the battle, i painted stars in our bedroom

i hope i dont forget about this one.

what do you feel before you take massive, possibly life changing steps?
when you make a decision thats so major, and now alls thats lefts to dos is... do it?
and youre just waiting for it to happen? or just waiting for that day to come?
how do you feel?

today i feel nervous. excited.
im in a state of anticipation where what i think i want and what i know is right for me are messed up
in a state where i cant even tell what either of those are.
you know, i made a promise to myself that i would take a certain major step towards being who i am before high school is out.
and i wonder if thats a bad thing?
but it just so happens to be working out.
which is strange.

on another note.
i have a secret. and it fills me with so much joy and love and happiness that i can't even fathom telling anyone, because knowing, and knowing how great it will be if i dont spill it, is like a huge happy bubble.
i cant wait til it overflows and bursts and i spill out balloons and puppies and rainbows and cupcakes (-->emma!)

i hear in my mind, all this music

I don't know about the future, that's all stuff and nonsense.

I'm ready for winter. I'm ready for cozy, cold nights with cups of tea. I'm ready for running through snowbanks with you. I'm ready for ice skating, and sledding, and all that winter kid stuff that I feel I'll never grow out of. Snow forts and snow men and snow ball fights and snow falls.

I was at work yesteday, and the snow was coming down in
BIG
FAT
FLAKES

and it was beautiful. I would open up the window and just stare when I had no customers. It was wonderful.
I think people at work are mostly used to me being a little bit odd.

Snow is prettiest at night.

Dear boyfriend,

as long as we both want to have one more day together,

i think this will work out.

and im almost ready to tell you what i've been scared to these past two months, and put an end to what was keeping me closed off.
(and, no readers, i am not talking about telling him i love him. come on! you know me better than that!)

I love driving in the winter, downtown. When the christmas lights are all up and sparkling, and everyone is moving so quickly...

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS BOOKS!
why does no one believe me when i say that?

favourite wintery scents:

cinnamon

cookies
mint
cloves
the smell of a scarf after you come in the from the cold.

i love christmas shopping! any one wanna go with me sometime soon? my list keeps getting longer and longer... so much for being almost done...

christmas cookies are piling up already! i'm gonna have to start giving some away. yickes! cookie avalanche!

have a wonderful sunday everyone!