My life is on fire, and it's all over the evening news

There's something about this disconnection
this freedom
this, this air
that makes me want to stand on my toes & shout to the roof tops.

There's something about seeing,
seeing all these options around me and ahead of me
that makes me breath a little easier.

I like the choices and the different people
the new ideas and the proposals brought before me.
I love the most, the fact that I can pick whatever I want.
That with all these options, I can be and do whatever I want

Stay or go.
Stay or go.
With or Not-With.

I miss my old friends.
The friends I met at IMC I haven't seen for a while
& the friends from when I was 12 that I haven't seen since then.

I miss the past.
I do.

But that doesn't control me.
I miss the past but I'm already in it's future.

I'm already in the future.
How odd to think about.

That this present is yesterday's future.

"Meditate on it."
It's my new philosophy.

Why am i so stupid

I hear

You say you're sorry
but not to me.

You send a messanger

"I miss you, I'm sorry"

Well if you miss me
if you're really sorry,
then tell me.
Call me up
& see if I'm ready to talk about it.
To talk to you.

I know you're asking 'bout me, but i don't wanna sink no more.

I hear you're really hurting now
over this or that, I can't be sure.

I hear you say you're sorry
but you still say it's my fault.

I bought a new red jacket today, & I've stopped wearing your sweater.

I want my notebook back still.

I hear you're alienating people.
That they can't stand to listen to you bitch.
That they hate how you look through them.
How you insult them.
How you've replaced them.

I hear you haven't changed at all.
That you haven't learned anything since I walked away from you.

I hear you say you miss me.
I miss you too,
I won't try to deny it.

But I cannot say I'm sorry.
I cannot say if I even know if I'm ready to listen to you try to explain yourself.

But I hear that you say you're sorry & you miss me.

So here I am letting you know.

I hear you.

Tom's a dear

"and WHAT were you doing with an 18 year old?!"

"eh? what am i doing with an 18 year old? what's that supposed to mean?"

"lol, well...i dont know, I guess... wow, i sounded...like an old man there"

"you sounded like... a brother. it was cute. no, what did you mean by that? im not all that young and innocent tom. 18 is not too far away from me."

"I know, i just...forget that were older than we were when we met, thats all."

"aw tom. you're wonderful. :)"




Look at that.
We're older now.
How odd.

This somehow makes my bad decisions more acceptable.
Marvelous

& One day
you'll look up from your music
& your mirror & your hands.
From my stolen notebooks.

& One day
you'll look up & look around.
& Say,
"Huh"

"Huh"
you'll say.
"Huh, I wonder where she went?"

& that day, you won't miss me.
I know.

Not that day.

But one day...

My Ocean

To see an ocean in your dream, represents the state of your emotions and feelings. It is indicative of some spiritual refreshment, tranquility and renewal.

To dream that you are traveling across the ocean, signifies new found freedom and independence. You are showing great courage.

Why wait?; Yourself?; Grad?; Smile?; Ocean?

What are you waiting for?

*

Are you afraid of not being original?
Because in that

you aren't defending who you are

you pass it off

you apoligize.

and that makes me sad dear.

*

I'm going to grad with my friend Steven.
His grad.

I'm not old enough to graduate yet.
I'm kind of excited.
As much as I usually hate things like those.
Although,
I might have to wear a dress.

...Uh Oh
I'm not girly.
I cannot do girly.
Well,
Maybe I'll wear a tux and he can wear the fucking dress.
Ha.
I think I'll ask him about that.

*

Ladies and Gents,
It's just a down day.
Somehow I can't seem to keep the corners of my mouth up.
Hard as everyone is trying to cheer me up.

*

I keep having dreams about the Ocean
I wonder why that is.
I wake up wanting to smell the salt
and feel how cold the air is
I wake up wanting to dive into the ocean.
And it's not there.

Maybe it's time to slow things down
In a few ways.

I think I'm pushing too hard to make too many things happen for me at once
and burning myself out in the process.
Maybe I do need to drop something
so i have time to just...
be me.
and not this big ball of stress and anger and tears i've been turning into lately.
but there's nothing im willing to drop.
so im stuck.

seriously, would it be so bad if i dropped vocal jazz, or chamber choir, or the play, or the newspaper?

Yeah. Yeah it would.

But something needs to be done.

My parents are thinking about stepping in and making me drop something.
They can't stand watching me leave at 74oam and coming home at 8 at night only to plop down with a text book or a notebook or some other assignment I have to do and then worry about getting the layout of the newspaper done soon and then go to bed without them seeing me eat a meal or stop to breath.

Sure I have my days off.
But one every two weeks isn't cutting it.

I had such a bad headache i went home during Choir of all classes yesterday

So really, something must be done.

What'll it be kids?



On a more positive note,
I got published again!
weee!

Huh. Is that right.

So stay, Janine
And we can glide along
I've caught your wings for laughs
I'm not obliged to read you statements of the year
So take your glasses offA
nd don't act so sincere
Janine, Janine, you'd like to know me well
But I've got things inside my head
That even I can't face



huh

At my house

Politics is taboo
because my father is a Center right
my sister is a Right
my mum is a left
and I'm a center right/right.

The battle between us is all in good fun
until my mum hops in
which is still fun
until she gets all extremeist on us.


I don't like stating my opinions to my parents sometimes because they always grill me on them so much that it unnerves me.
That one isnot their fault, it's my lack of conviction.


I remember once when I told my mother I do not believe in capital punishment.
(She does.)
Her and I battled it out
until she started yelling at me about a boy who was forced to bite the curb while other people stomped on him, and that those people deserved to die
(I was 11)
I ran off crying and holding my hands over my ears and went into my room.
My mother came in and told it to me again until i screamed STOP IT and she left.


I remember throwing something at someone once because they would not listen to my opinion.

My whole family is extremists.

I love them.

I love my mother and her extreme ideas
she's a wonderful person and her ideas are baised on fact.

Which I find to be important and i respect.

I can't stand when people have an opinion about something but don't know why.
When they says "my whole family is conservative so I am too"
and they have no clue the platform or the belief system
or anything.

my extremist family has taught me to accept others opinions
and to base my own on logic, intuition, and fact.
&, how to stick to what i believe.
how to stand up for it.

thank you guys. love ya lots.
(stupid conservative minority goverment)

I'm not stupid, we can talk

When i was just a little girl
I asked my mother
what will i be?

and she told me to figure it out
and to eat my cereal.



and to this day
my family really isnt much for serious debates or disscussions.

next blog will expand.

Mood today : Red

Excuse me but
yesterday something new happened

and today i simply can't forget it.

it was wonderful and scary
and i'm so...
estatic.

yay.


i feel beautiful and passionate

a very wonderful sexy red mood.

i digress.

TimeandaHalf; Notice Me Horton's-Mum!

At work on Monday,
thanksgiving,
old couple comes in.
Asking for peanut brittle.
I explain that we don't carry it.
The lady gets ruffled
and the gentleman says
"Oh no, but I could savour that delectable treat, for a thoooouusand years"
and I grinned and chatted with the man a bit.
The lady asked me how much our Citrus Peals cost
(Orange skins from Spain dusted in sugar and then coated with chocolate)
and reply, "2 for 85cents"
& she goes off on a tangent about how she makes her own, they are delicious, and here's how you make them step by step
The man talks over her,
"Darling, its the secret of chocolaters that make it better. Miss, I'll take two of these please, for old times sake"
I'm grinning as the woman continues with her recipe - "after you boil the orange peels you MUST dust them once immediately, then..."
I ring up the gentleman's chocolate
& he calls to the lady i assume to be his wife.
"Sweetie pie? We must away"
She continues talking to empty air as if I was still standing there.
"Honey bunch? Let us go."
& he takes her arm and leads her away.

Gotta say, highlight of my week.
Such an well spoken, rare, sweet old man.

--

I met my guy's mother today.
Well,
met may not be the correct word here.

Considering she ignored me completely.

Looked right over me
did not speak to me,
did not acknowledge me in any way.

I heard her ask him a question about me, because i was sitting right next to him, and she used the word "her" instead of my name or anything.
he said "yes, this is _______ (i love my anonymity)"

Okay.
I'm not a girl who likes being ignored.
No,
I am not USED to being ignored.
It simply does not happen.
So that hurt.

NEXT TIME,
I swear, she'll have a time ignoring me.
I'll go right up to her and shake her hand and stare at her eyes and say Hello. My name is ________ and I'm dating your son. How are you this fine day?

Ha. Try ignoring me THEN

Thank you for my vices

Vice #1

COFFEE
Dear God, why am I such a caffiene addict?
I can't remember a day in the past year I have not had a cuppa coffee or tea.
Which is disgusting. I'm going to be short.
But it helps me study and stay awake and not DIE.
So I might cut back, but no way am I giving up.


Vice # Two

When I don't get something I give up more often than not.
And sure I try to be funny about it,

but it doesn't completly hide the fact that I have no clue what I'm doing.



Vice # Threeeee

Maybe not a vice per say, but I just cannot forgive people easily.
& it gets me into shit
I cannot just forgive someone and start trusting them again.
I feel like that would be making myself a fool.
Once bitten, twice shy.


Vice #4

Weird as it is,
TV shows about people who overcome major issues that control them, like rape or abuse.
Somehow they're so inspirational.
& yes, cheesy and stuff.
But it's a real problem people face
& it makes me happy knowing that there are succes stories out there. Maybe I'm a bit of a bleeding heart, but as sad as these stories make me, they also make me so happy when they turn out well.

Vice Number Five

Well this just says it all.

But you know, I'm fine with all this.
This is what makes me who I am.
& I'm okay with who I am.
So thank you for my vices.
Thank you for my faults and my qualities

and everyone who brought me here.

Because here isn't that bad at all.

You ready for this?; Note

Or better yet,
are you ready for me?

Cause I've been found
& now I can't seem to be gotten rid of.

So here it is
are you ready for me?

Are you willing?
Are you accepting?
You ready to take the time out of your life?
The ten minutes, the five?

You ready to start acknowledging me like you once did
long before I was found?

---

Note:
Some music is just so...
soul satisfying.

Note:
I should try giving up coffee.

Note:
Jared called Pop Tarts, Porn Tarts today.
That made me laugh til I cryed.

Note:
I love Napstar
And Korean Soap Operas.
What of it?

"You" With a twist

I wish I were you.

You, who can always smile
You, who knows where you're going
You, who makes a difference
You, who wants only what you have
You, who's so comfortable in your own skin
You, who let's it all roll off your back
You, who's gonna change the world
You, who understands
You, who's so talented
You, who is so beautiful it makes me ache
You, who simply doesn't care
You, who's so driven
You, who loves so easily
You, who's so forgiving
You, who is always so optimistic

You all, who are everything I want to be
& everything I admire.

I'm lucky
you guys fill in those holes.
You guys complete me.

Going home; Stress; Love?; Look who finally looked up

I get to go home today
how cool is that?

Instead of having rehearsal
or a newspaper meeting
or a tutoring session
or work
or ANYTHING

I
I.
I.
I get to to go home.
Have supper with my family.

..& then go back to school because I have a tour I need to go on.
Lovely.

But.
I'm happy.
& hungry.
& tired.

But I'm happy
How lovely. How important.

---

Stress is hard.
I know I seem to be dwelling on the subject lately
But stress is so difficult for me to deal with.

---

Funny how some people just get you through your day.
Funny how you can love so many people
& still not know what love is.
Funny how giving love is so much harder than accepting it
Funny how much trust it takes to say i love you
to someone when you actually mean it
than it does to scream LOVE YA at your friends as theyre walking away
Cause theyre both love, in a sense
But so different.

Don't say it. I'm not IN love.
I'm realistic.
I'm aware enough of myself and who I am to understand that I am not.
That I haven't been.

& in saying this, I am not saying those who believe they are so in love with their significant others are not. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't.
Maybe it's my lack of trust in others and in myself
Maybe I just don't let myself get so close that I have the oppertunity.
Or maybe it's just that I simply haven't been.
Which is very likely.

Perhaps, a combination of both?
Well, howdie-do.

---

Bam
Here we go, here we go
Hear, I go again.

But you aren't listening.
But you weren't looking.
You missed it all

All but the end result.

So thank you for tuning in.

But however you've missed half the plot
so I would appreciate you not passing jugdment today.

Once Upon A Time was about
oh
10 years ago.
So don't give me these fairy tale morals
and expect me to understand

Because You haven't been watching the change
& now here I am
Here I am getting ready to go
& you're standing there stary eyed asking
When did you grow old?
When did you get tall
& learn to walk home alone?
When did you stop asking for a bedtime story?
When did you stop laughing at the snow?

& what can I say besides that it took time.
It did.
It took time and time that you weren't willing to give.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry you missed it
Missed some pieces.

I'm sorry you feel left out now.
I'm sorry you feel ignored.
I'm sorry you feel like I've left

Steven

What can I say? This kid is amazing.
He's my neighbour
He's like a brother

Who else would have a photoshoot with me.

in my basment .
With star lights and a tiedie surong?
I rest my case.

These two photos were taken almost two years ago, December '07
As you can see, we were having a fun time :D

We always do when we're together

Even if we're bored out of our skulls and dont REALIZE how much fun we are having.

This kid and I, closer than close.
My best friend. Always.
He's such a goof.
I can't imagine life without him.

BFF's. Cheesy, but that's just the way it is with us.

We've grown up together. I've known him half my life. Almost more.

We continue to grown up together, in a weird, suspended sort of way.

Neither of us really change to eachother

It's a neat kinda love.

We're gonna grown up and live in Wosely together (HELLO ZAC!)

And be all hippy-ish and cheap and never wash dishes ever again. We'll have goats and grow potatos in our back yard. If we don't have one, we'll use the basment? Don't have a basment? We'll MAKE ONE!

And we cruise around the 'Peg looking for a place that serves good goat cheese and spinich pizza. Giving up, a place that serves REAL FOOD that we actually want to eat. Giving up again, we end up at the Neighbourhood Cafe down in Wosely as per usual, with our same old order. A cuppa hot chocolate to share and whatever vegan cake looks good at the time.

Stoping in front of that white medical building on Arlington to listen, just in case we hear monkeys again.

Steven, you rock.
Just so you know.
I couldn't live without you.

Even when you embaresse me by asking my co-worker if she ever doesnt want to give customers their ice cream because they're too fat.

It's not your fault you hate fat people :)

"She likes Vegan Pies, but she hates fat people
She pretty much lives with this dude named Steven,
so I guess he hates them too!"

A gross misrepresentation
I do not hate them.
I am jaded because of YOU!

Rain

Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. (8)

"Make the magic happen"
Yes Mr. Longtin

But you see,
I prefer to blog during English class
as apposed to typing up a scene about the rebellion in 1837.

About Mackenzie burning a house down.


My legs are very damp from walking in the rain today.
As are my shoes socks and feet from the puddles.

It was worth it though. I like walking with you in the rain.

It's odd this site is not blocked on the school computers.
Odd indeed.

My hair is very big from the rain.
Shucks.
Where's a ponytail when you need it?

But I love the rain.
How it wakes me up
how cold it is.
How it makes my skin feel so soft.
How I look when I stand in the rain.

I love every drop of water that falls off my nose
every puddle I jump in
every drip the drips off my drippy hair.

I love my dark chocolate espersso caramels
And my friends
And writing.

I'm so full of love today it's sickening.

I think I'll go for a walk in the rain
Again.

Laugh out loud, he met my folks.

Some nights I just can't sleep


can't sleep.

Some nights i just toss and turn


toss and turn.

Some nights I roll over and look at the clock


is it still 3am?

Some nights it's okay


cause all my friends can't sleep either


so we all just text eachother





But most nights it's not okay because I have to work that morning or I have an 8am newspaper meeting or something so I really do need to sleep but it just can't or won't happen.

And the next morning I look disgusting and horrible and everyone says
"Are you feeling okay, you look sick"
and I go
"just TELL me I look like 5 kinds of shit and get it over with!"

The again, at the same time,
I'm so busy with everthing
Rehearsals, Work, Vocal Jazz, Chamber, Chem, Math, History, English, Regular Choir, Gym Hours to complete, Friend claiming they are being ignored, Parents saying I do nothing and that I need to help around the house more, individual projects Hannah and I have taken up, the Student Newspaper Ester and I are creating and heading, writing contest deadlines coming up, singing lessons to get back, MORE work, ETC ETC ETC

So who really needs sleep anyways?
After all, I don't even really have time for it :P

Love you guys, even if I don't always have time for you all

So much to be happy for

I guess I'm being silly.
Puppy love and all.
But seriously, I'm so happy.

You just make me happy.

And I can feel my friends looking at us and wondering

"When did this happen?"
"Why are they together?"
"WTH?"

Seriously, I don't care.
I'm not ashamed of this.
I feel lucky.
I don't know how I deserve this.

And it's makes me feel fit to burst that you feel the same way.

Yay for puppy love.
Yay for crushes,
yay for being hoenst and logical and mature about this
Knowing what it is.




On a related note.
I saw him looking at me today.
Watching.
That's all.
Watching.
I couldn't read the expression.

And somehow it just continues to make me angry.
He has a right to look I suppose.
But
I'm not his. Not anymore.
And he can't seem to understand.

Well.
too bad for you



IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD CAFE:

So maybe it really wasn't
such a huge
ginormous huge deal.

Look at that.
i'm still here.

And okay,
I knew it would be so.
I knew it wasnt gonna be so bad.



Sometimes, as i watch Steven walk
away, to go get something or whatever,
i still see him as that little
boy i befriended, so long ago.

Just the way i can still, read his emotions in
his body still, the way he walks still, still the
familiar way he looks around at the
world around him.

I still see that little boy.

Even though now he's 6'2 and 9 years older.
& i've known him half my life.

Somethings never change.
I'm glad he hasn't.

Or
I'm glad we always will, together.

'Cause I'll always give you my best

A sidewalks path
leads me to you.
Though we don't look back
We hold onto a truth

& in these broken times,
I promises I will not forget
though you're not mine
upon your shoulder I can rest.
Cause you always give me your best.

It's like a promise kept.
It's like you never left.
It's like a promise kept.
It's like you never left.


What can I say?
It hit me hard today.
You're leaving.
You're leaving me and you aren't coming back.

& I cried over it.
I. Cried.
You know that I don't do that.

I guess I can't ask you not to go.
You need to.
You can't stay in one place. I've learned that much from our short time.

But somehow I can't picture life without you.
Running with and after you.
You me and her marching down the street,
laughing too loudly
flipping off cars as they honk and yell He-ya! at us.

I can't imagine not having you here for summer.
Taking you on my random adventures.
You won't be here for my birthday.
I won't be there for yours.

We'll miss so much.

There's something comforting in the love we have.
The twisted, sadistic, masochistic, ridiculous, abusive, silly, hilarious, asexual love we have.

This isn't a goodbye letter to you.
No, not by far.
We still have this month and the next and the last.
But this is a realisation.

I'll miss you,
while youre off doing bigger and better things
saving the world.


All it takes is a song,
& i can swear I hear your steps.

A favourite read of mine.

Written by a Miss Sarah Slean.
I felt this deserved to be shared.
It really hits home. I'm sure it does with most of you.
-


There is no sorrow, no anguish, that love cannot heal. And I don't mean just meeting a fabulous man or having a pet or being best pals with someone. I mean discovering for yourself love in its most profound sense - a feeling that inspires awe and an ocean of gratitude, and above all, a trust... What Tolstoy called "a relationship with the infinite". You can find this. Because, here is the beautiful secret, it is within you and it is endless. The more you think about the silent wonders that abound - your lungs for instance, your eyeball and the incredible intricacy of its work, the trees growing right now (think of all the trillions of trees on earth growing so gracefully and silently right now!) the forces that keep the walls around you steady and the sun rising at dawn, and on and on, the more you begin to realize that you are part of the divinity that is this world, the divinity that is the infinite origin of everything. How could you not be? And that nothing is asked of you or demanded of you other than for you to just BE. (How often I've tried to get in the way of this! To muscle a different path for myself! A bird is a bird, a fish is a fish, just be, just be who you are!! Kids are masters at this, and what other being emits as much pure joy? You are enough, you are a miraculous creature, and that is all. Part of eternity. You are love. The most amazing thing you could ever do is simply let that be - let the love express itself. The rest, petty details. And you'll notice that when this realization really starts to live in your heart, you are less afraid. And fear I think is at the heart of all hatred, all harm, all suffering.
Fear was at the heart of the hatred I expressed toward myself for many years. And that hatred manifested in all sorts of destructive behaviours.
For a long time I felt that I was useless. This is the cruelest thing anyone can utter to oneself, and over time, it starts to do serious damage. I was so pained by the suffering I could see around me, by the anger and pollution and greed in the world. And I would look in the mirror and say "What are you doing writing songs and tinkling on a piano for your living? You've got to be kidding! Is this what you are doing with your compassion and intelligence? Your time on earth? Selfish useless loser!" And so on. I remember a moment in my apartment in Paris - I looked up from the bathroom sink and suddenly "witnessed" how I was speaking to myself in my thoughts. I looked into my own eyes that were so full of disgust and sadness, red-rimmed from tears and booze and insomnia, and I realized I was looking at my sadistic captor. I was looking at the tyrant.
When you are full of cruelty it is as if you have a cruelty-seeking pair of glasses on. The world looks unjust, sick, and callous because that is the filter you've chosen. When you are fighting yourself so vehemently, you bring people and situations and thoughts into your life that will feed that combat. Eating becomes conflict. Exercising is punishment. Your career, your relationships, your speech, all become war.
When you disarm, everything changes.
Permit me this little instructive exercise for disarmament. Go to a nearby park. Sit down in a spot free from noise or distraction and have a good look at a tree. A good long look. Imagine it smiling at you. Seriously!... You'll know what I mean. Try it.
Disarming means knowing love and trusting it as truth. Love then gets behind every one of your senses. You see food as the sun and the rain's conspiracy to strengthen and sustain you. You see difficult people and situations as opportunities to deepen your compassion. You hear the plea for love that is hiding behind all complaints, attacks and criticisms. You feel the life in your body, in another's body, and you're amazed.
I hope this helps. I truly believe that we're here to elevate our understanding of love and to awaken to its transformative potential... I think there is no other more noble pursuit.

-Sarah Slean