Fool + Coward = ?/! X 2

A rather interesting time.

& a rather interesting way of dealing with things :)

Those of you who know, or think they know,

Yes. It's dealt with.

Hello an interesting few weeks or more
and hello a happy smiling me.

I just wanna hug to everybody I run into.

& I'm being girly. It's horrible. It truly is.
I'm grining and giggling and looking in the mirror lots.

Funny how one little sentence can do that.

Funny how one person can make so much happen.

Can make you feel so happy.

Oh well,
this isn't the sort of thing I'd normally blog about.
I'm usually a very closed person, when it comes to things like this.
I don't like being mushy and all that
but,
today I felt I needed to blog about this event.
Get it out of my system so I can go back to being cynical and mature(ish)
And not a grinning idiot.

*clears throat*
Ahem.

Goodnight all. :)

Is there anybody in there?

Carried my heart unbuttoned
across the lonely stage.
Where all the fools and actors
Circle like birds of prey.

Careful with the rose,
she knows every word in every scene.
Oh please, Be good
To me.

I let the liar have me,
the forger and the cheat,
Love is the legal tender
they try to steal from me.

Tell how you lose
What you wanna give away for free
Oh please, be good
to me.

It really is no secret that I've been in some crappy relationships
& non-relationships for that matter.
It's really no surprise to anyone when they see me break down
when they know what's going on.
& I don't break down often.
I'm the strong one.
I'm the tough one.
Let me tell you something,
he took nothing from me.
He took nothing I wasn't willing to give.
& that means that he isn't a bad person.
It means that I've been stupid again.

& Let me tell you something else,
when I walked away,
It was the best feeling of my life.
Other people saw it.
Said I seem lighter now.
& it's true.

So I don't see why people are still making this into a big thing.
"You two were perfect. Why did you do this?"
"How could you do something like that?"
"Blah blah blah blah blahidontgiveafuck"
Look.
it's my prerogative
So chill.

It's hard on me as it is.
Don't keep on reminding me and bringing it up.



So that leads me, as always
to right now.

With twos fools and a coward.
Sound about right to you?

I'm one and a half of the fool.
Because I try to run away from this when I don't want to.
Because even though I'm running, I want nothing more than to be caught.
Omigod omigod you guys.

As Emma once said,
"You two are quite skilled. I've got to say. Avoidance techniques, perfect"

She's got it bang on.

I'm the fool.
He's the coward.
I'm the fool for letting him be.

I suppose I'll just slow myself down and see where today takes me.

Something Bev Reminded me about

And something i've been meaning to blog about, for that matter.

I have major trust issues.
I have absolutly zero trust for people.

I try. I really really do.

But I just have so much problems trusting people with anything.

And it's fucked me over, I'll admit.
Great relationships and friendships have been ended because I just can't deal with it
And the fact that I just can't seem to be able to trust them.

& it makes it worse,
that when I do find someone I completly, 100%-
I just end up getting pushed into the dirt more often than not.

SO.
Leading up to the current situation,

How am I supposed to trust him then?
Let him get to close?

He could really hurt me.

Like someone else did, who promised not to,
oh so long ago.

How can i just let myself be happy with all this,
when I don't trust myself to be.

That's where it goes back to I guess.
I don't trust myself either.

But, on the other hand,

Ya know,
Then again,
maybe not.

Maybe I'm just looking too hard for something to fill the spot

I'm so happy for you!

After all love,
it's been a long time comming.


So this.
This?
This.
This is gettin' interesting isn't it?
Curiouser and Curiouser...
Day by day...
Well.
I'm still happy.
And that's a good sign.


Hey you.
No, the other You.
You need to make up your mind,
because I can't wait around forever
I won't.
You remind me that you miss me
and I remind you it's been months.
And hundreds of chances.
So you,
you need to take moment and think
cause either way i'll live
but i do need to know.


I'm tired.
I work all weekend.


I really think I might enjoy you
but im scared to let myself feel more.

A big toothy smile, hold the braces

These are three of my friends.
Names shall be left out.
But I love them.

Because my friends believe.
Especially the one in the middle,

who is my best friend right now.

She has so much faith
She's such a good person. And I envy her. I wish I was as talented and driven as her.
My friends arm me with faith.
They make me feel unstopable.
They push me and inrage me to the point that I can tear down any obsticale.

I'm a driven person, I am.
But I can't do things on my own very well.
I'm very dependant on support from people around me.
It's not a good quality.
But I've been lucky so far.
I'm never at a loss of support from my friends.
Even if my choices are stupid.

Tell me, how can you stay depressed and cynical with people like that?
< --- How? How can you be a hermit eatting soup and crackers and writing for a week straight,

when you have these people banging on your door telling you to shower and get ready to go for coffee?
I suppose I owe my friends alot.
No, I know I do.

& I'm just taking a little moment to say thanks.
For putting up with me all the time.

& to my gorgeous friends.
In America.
And in Sweden;
Man oh man I love and miss you guys.

It says alot about a friendship that can last so many miles.

I don't know where I'd be without you guys.
My summer would have been so different
The best of friends in a matter of weeks.

I'm gonna wrap this up.

I'm just feeling sentimental today.

Preggos

So I can think of so many people I know, indirectly and directly
who've been pregnant or been scared that they were.

Okay now I'm not saying don't go have sex
(even though, essentially, that's my point)
But if you just can't keep it in your pants,
you do have options.

Birth control?
A rubber for gods sake?

I know a guy who at 16 was a dad.
Sixteen.

How can you let yourself do that?

I mean, you've just ruined your life.
You'll never have time to be young and irresponsible
& even if you think you can handle that,
you can't. Youre a teenager.
We all are, essentially, young and irresponsible.
Stick us with kids?
And we might last a year, at the most.
But one day the pressure would be too much.
We'd want to go to party or out with friends and have fun.
So we'd leave the kid and go.
So we've not only fucked up our lives, but the kids.
Not good.

I don't want to have kids.
Right now, not at all.
Maybe I'll change my mind, but not for a long while I'm sure.

I'm not interested in fucking up my life like that.
Imagine me as a mother.

...
...
..
.. ...

No.
Can't do it.
Does not compute.

Gods.

If you're going to have kids, you need to understand that it might not be the best thing for the baby.
Yes, I'm pro abortion. I am pro choice.

Moral of my rant ladies and gents?

Major risk of sex = BABIES.

Deal me in

This is the game I love to play.

Because i know how, its true.
I learned all my good moves from you.

And now I'm beating you everytime

Because you taught me so well dear
& looking at you I start to see fear

Do you realize how much I grown?

Because you showed me how
to be able to crush you now

The way you crushed me.

And everyone else I can do this to?
I'll send their distaste right over to you.

I win

What's going on?

Because,
I dont know.

And if you know,
you arent tellin' me.

Fantastic.

==


I'm okay.
I'm dealing fine
with the fact
that i have options again.

Are you okay,
this is probably one of the last things ill write too or about you,
and are you okay
cause i know how easily you can pretend.
I'll miss you
eventually
but I don't yet.

Which is how I know this was right.
I know this was right.

I feel lighter.

I'm feeling good.
I'm okay.
If you aren't

well
honestly,
find your own way out
you aren't bringing me down with you this time.
not again.
not anymore.

I win.

Stealing Bev's Idea

Photographs


1 photo of a memory I still dream about:

I still have dreams that I'm at TecVoc and we're doing Moby Dick again. Often they're nightmares, but more often they're good dreams.

1 photo that still makes me go "awwww!":

This is my Kitty. You know you love him.

1 photo that shows what I wish for:

♫New York New York, It's a wonderful town ♫

1 photo that defines a large part of who I am

1 photo that makes me laugh out loud:

1 photo that makes me (almost) cry:

I miss you guys. See you next year :)

1 photo that makes me want to go back in time:

What can I say

1 photo that brings back bad memories:

1 photo that brings back good memories:

A fun day with E

[Title of Show]

So a new musical that hardly got off it's feet is closing.
That kinda makes me sad. I've listened to one or two of it's songs and it seems amazing. It obviously has potential.

I wonder how many great works die before they really get a chance?
Scary.



Hey kid
I like getting to know you.
We share ideals and fears.
I hope this moves forward more.
Even though we seem to both be afraid of that.
Here's to the coming months.

As I promised

I told Tomasz that I would listen to
burning bright by shinedown
while i write today.
Let's see where it takes me today.

I'm tired from 6 hours of work.

I might be pulling an all night for homework tonight, I'm not looking forward to it.

And I would rather reveal myself than my situation

I pretend to close my eyes.
I pretend I'm burning- burning bright.

I wonder if depression is contagious?
It seems to be.
I can't count on my hands how many people I know who are dealing with it or have. I can't even honestly say I haven't been there myself or aren't there on occasion.

I know I crossed the line

Maybe I was wrong to say goodbye.
But whether I was or I wasn't,
it was right for me at the time
And I am going to stick with it.

There's nothing ever wrong
but nothing's ever right

Oh lord I hate the neutrality.
God. I hate when decisions aren't made
or when things aren't moving.
I need to feel like things are moving forward to feel good about things.

Now and then I consider my, hesitation

Now for a person who hates neutrality I sure am slow
to make a decision.
Seriously,
I'm so afraid of making the wrong choice with anything.
And as soon as I make one,
I back track and take it back.
I can't even decide on an opinion sometimes.

I feel like there is no need for conversation.

Everybody, needs somebody

Unless, that is to say, of course on the other side of the matter,
They just happen to choose not to.
So they want to not need whether they need to or not.
And
when does want become a need?
And which is first?

Do you need somebody?
Or want somebody?
Or want to need somebody?

"-Do you need anybody;
I want somebody to love.
Could it be anybody;-"

Do I?
Well,
no.
And yes.
And no.
And perhaps.
But not in that order exactly.

I work soon.

As I promised

Soon after said incident, elementary is over.
With many incidents in between.
Including Lily lying about something huge, accusing another girl and friend of something horrible and disgusting, and, having no way to prove she didn't, the girl was blamed. I'm sorry to say I was a ring-leader in what was to be a witch hut against this girl. I guess something in me just snapped, and in my own twisted way, I wanted to prove Lily could be trusted. I was not nice to the other girl. A huge fight insued in which the entire class took sides on. It was not a pretty sight. At 12 years old we were using the words "whore" and "bitch." Looking back, I'm shocked and just disgusted over what we did to eachother.
Anywho
"Graduated" elementary school.
Went to middle school.
Lily and I are in the same class. Oh joy of joys. We're still close, but I finally find out the truth about the major drama. I'm mad. I don't say anything. But Lily and I drift apart.
Towards the end of grade 7, I told Lily off finally.
Grade 8 we aren't in the same class. I'm without my best friend. It's hard.
Lily starts smoking and doing pot. Grade 8 guys. Grade. 8.
Suffice to say I was unimpressed. We stopped talking altogether. To this day I am still naive, but I was never stupid.
Grade 9 comes around and hostilities die down. We chat before the first day of school, outside of the east building. She blows smoke in my face. I say nothing.
There. Defining moment for me. I don't say nothing anymore.
So like I said, we aren't so mean to eachother anymore
but we aren't friends really.
We chat a bit, but rarely. It's just kinda over. I hear things that have happend to her, and I'm sad. I hear things about meth and recall the way he skin looked the last time she was at school, months ago.
Grade 10.
Lily calls me out of the blue one day. Asks me to meet her on the tracks like old times. I do. We immediatly hug and cry a little bit. We go to the park and sit on swings. We talk. We update eachother on everything. And man, she looked good. Way better than I could remember her. Her skin is better and she's smiling. We go to her house and her room is a new colour. Blue now. I ask her why the change.
"we're moving" she says.
I ask her where.
"New Zeland" she says.
Seems she's getting better. Her parents are getting back together, she's off her insomnia meds, isnt smoking as much. Her father got laided off from Air Canada and picked up by air New Zeland.
We cry a little.
I go to her going away/birthday bash. I go with my guy friend, because i remember how her parties go.
I get there and everyones drunk. I stick around for 5 minutes, say goodbye and happy birthday to Lil. She slurrs a goodbye and lurches over to another person.
Same old Lil.
I ask my friend to take me home. He drives me home even though i could have very well walked. We sit inside my house for a while. I'm quiet and he just holds me til I feel okay to be alone. I send him home.
Lily goes to New Zeland.

A little writing, and a story for you all

So sometimes
darling
dearest
it's just too hard to be around you.
Sometimes
sweetie
baby
I think if I have to stand here and try to make nothing up to you
I'll honestly just have to kill myself.
Today love
I'm even still trying to make it work.
Today duckie
I want to be close to you again.
Yesterday hun
you hurt me so much
and
me?
I stood there and didn't cry.
I stood there and didn't apoligize
this time around.
And me?
And I?
I wanted nothing more than to tackle you
to hurt you back
and to hold you close and cry
because I still don't know when I lost you.
Because I still miss you everyday.
Sometimes
I just hate myself as much as I hate you.
Most days.
I love you
but more than mostly,
I hate you more than that.



Music is like flypaper.
When you hear a song that used to be such a part of you
and it just makes you feel like you did, way back when.
Or bring back Random memories you had forgotten all about.

List of memory songs:
Chili Con Carne
Halleujah
This Love
Tears in Heaven
I'm Yours
Kiss Me
A Little Prayer
Shadows of the Deep
At Last
Build Me Up Buttercup :)
Sisters of Mercy
Oh Suzanne
Homeward Bound
You Can Call Me Al
Step by Step
John Williams : Theme from Schindlers List


Let me tell you a story
About my old friend.
"Lily"
So Lily and I met when we were both lil' youngins. I think it was on the playground when we were six. My first memory of playing with her is when we sat in the little red tunnel and gossiped about things that six year olds gossip about. Pets, favourite colours, our toys, what kind of clips we had in our hair. We were in grade one.
I remember her coming over when we were in grade 2 or 3. We ran around my neighborehood. We gossiped under my bed. I showed off my kitty. We made Kool-Aid. Lily left and my mother commented on how nice of a girl she seemed.
Her and I were best friends all through elementary school. We lived close to eachother.
Now, those who know me well understand that I am a rather naive person. Those who don't, this is an important note in the this story.
Lily liked to... tell some rather big stories. When I was little I always outright believed her. Once I was older I believed her dispite that I knew better, because she was my best friend. I thought it was wrong for me to not trust my best friend.
Lily seemed to see this. She started doing little things.
In grade 6 my teacher convinced me to keep a diary and journal. He wanted me to do more writing on my own. I was tentitive, but he bought me one. With a lock and only one key. I loved it and filled it quickly. I bought one on my own. I didn't get a lock, being still naive, I didn't see the need.
I took to writing in it everyday. About everything. Now at this time, I, well, didn't have the greatest time with my parents. We had some bad days, some worse days, and a couple eye-of-the-storm days.
So one day I went to Lily's house for another one of our weekly sleepovers. I brought my journal and wrote a bit in it.
I go home. I open my bag after a fight with my parents to write a little bit and
its
not
there.
I couldn't figure it out.
Like I said, naive.
A week later a mutual friend Lisa tells me that Lily has been reading my journal out to everyone. I don't believe her, I tell her that Lily would never do a thing like that. I don't speak to Lisa for another week.
The day I started speaking to Lisa again was the day I go over to Lily's house again for a sleepover. Lily goes upstairs to get a drink, and I stay in her room, just kinda looking around.
Then
I see it.
My journal. Half sticking out from under her bed.
Now for a moment I just sit there. I have no clue what to do about this.
After a few seconds, I grab my journal and throw it into my bag. Lily comes back down and the night proceeds like nothing happend.

STORY TO BE CONTINUED

But hey, don't listen to me. Don't listen to the sad song, don't let me bring you down.

What right do you have
to tell me
that i cant.
Cant understand.
Am not able to have an opinon on this?

I'm involved too.


I'd like to see someone
try to rip me off today.
I'd love
to go head to head with someone
and win.


Who are you to echo me?
Who are you to attempt
to cover me
and claim me?
I don't need that.
Don't assume that everyone needs it.
Get out.
Find a new way in.
Because there is no truth in this.
Because there is no truth in you.

Stopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopit
stop
it!

Your words don't make sense anymore.

You aren't real.



And neither am I.
When did I get so fake?
When did I start to just hate looking in the mirror and confronting who I am?
When did I start dreading seeing my friends and watching them be dissapointed in me again again and again?
When did I start failing so much?
Why haven't I noticed til now?

When did this start all over again?

So fine, I'm a diva

I never thought I would come to this.
Being a whinny, crying, diva.
But after being in a vocal jazz group for 5 years,
i've been put in the junior vocal jazz.
with the grade 9s and the vj virgins.

And I don't know what I'm gonna do.
My confidence is in the floor.
I'm considering quitting.
But I don't want to.
I'm just so upset about this.

And my friend told me I'm being a diva about this, that it's not a big deal.
And I really wanted to slap her, because she's in Senior.
Her second year, and she's in senior.
And I love her to bits,
but I'm so tired of always being in her shadow.
Never being as good as her.
It's always about Carmen in the Soprano Section.
Always.
No one else in the section gets noticed.
And it drives me nuts.
She always gets the parts I want,
always get the solos I try for.
It's maddening.
I love her, I'm proud of her. I don't begrudge her any of this.
But she doesn't understand what it's like to work and work and work and work and STILL not get noticed or even see any of it pay off.
To bust your ass for FIVE YEARS
and get DEMOTED over it.

So maybe I am a diva
So maybe I am making this into too big of a deal.
But try to understand
how crushing this was
and how hard I've been working,
only to see myself fall flat on my face.

So lookie there

I got a callback for my school musical.
That makes me really happy.
Much happier than just being handed a part.
I loved callbacks.
They were so fun.
I didn't do well
but i had FUN.
I dont even care if I don't get the part I was called back for.
It's the callback itself that makes me so estactic.
Power to the Drama Kids.
Forever may we shine
Like the 1000 watt bulbs we all are.

I'm feeling rather ill.
I suppose I'm just really tired + have a little cold.
Body's not used to doing so much with so little sleep.
I'll be fine in a bit, I'm quite sure.
i refuse to let something like the stomach flu + a cold slow me down.
I'll get some sleep tonight and be better tomorrow.
That is,
I'll get sleep after chemistry, math, writing 2 or 3 pages for english, finishing the song I'm writing for a contest and work on my best friends birthday present.

I made up a new word today:
Divaism.
I'm sure it's very self-explainitory.

Well here it goes again.
Looking directly at the sun.
And then wondering why there are spots in my eyes

How repetitive I am today

i'm here if you want me
but
try not to want me.

because this aint easy
and we both know it.

And we both knew it.
Since we both knew it
we tried to ignore it
but this aint easy.

so im here if you want me.
bu try not to need me.
and try not to want me.

Because i'm still leaving
cause im still going.

so let me go

and try not to want me
because im still leaving.

So people actually read me?
Creepy.
Weird.
How'd that happen?
Hear I was thinking that I was just ranting
-
"It's not about being read, it's about being written"
-
but it appears that my words happen to have the smallest amount of weight.
And somehow,
that matters.
It's like when you're walking down the street, singing to your iPod and then realizing people around you have been listening.
Or when you're on the street corner playing guitar, and then notice people have been dropping change at your feet.
Or even,
when you're talking on a cell phone on the bus, and you know everyone is listening.

It's like you're being intruded upon,
but it's your own fault, you were making yourself public.

And I am not complaining.
I like that people read me.
Please, continue to do so if you wish.
Those who know me, respect that I want to remain anonymous.
Those who don't;
Thanks for reading, how'd you find me, why are you here?



My parents annoy me.
They fight and then pretend that they didnt in front of me and my sister.
As if we aren't smart enough to notice that someone's sleeping on a couch
or that my parents aren't makin eye contact.
As if we're still that young.
We know that people fight and they get over it.
We don't mind. It'll pass. It doesnt bother us they fight.
But seriously
we aren't stupid.
Stop treating us like we are.



So summer is gone.

"Summer flings
are fragile things.
We've said goobye so soon."

And autum is here.
I feel it in the way the rain chills instead of cools.
I feel it in the morning air.
In the morning sun
and in the cold dew on the grass clinging to my already frozen legs as I walk to school.

You always were like a bird.
Pretty and charming,
with a lovely song to share.
But like all birds
you flit away from everyone.
You move too fast to even be seen very well.
So why am I surprised you're leaving?
Why am I surprised you're gone?
I'm not.

Wish it had stayed forgotten

I had forgotten how good he feels in my arms.
And how good I feel in his.

But I can't let that matter because I'm not backing down.
I made my decision and I won't let myself hurt over this again.

It was hard enough to get here
I can't imagine having to go back.

After all
You took up all my pages.
How rude of you.
How inconsiderate.

After all
You haven't been listening
You haven't let me speak.

God knows I'm not the strongest individual.

God knows, it takes so little for me to want to love you again.
Want to.

It's a good enough week for me.

In choir class today I hit a high C, and could have gone higher.
I found a new break in my voice.
This really makes me happy.
We have two new songs already
One of them I know and love,
Hold me Rock me.
I learned it by ear over the summer and I'm so glad I got my hands on it's sheet music.

The musical is on its way now.
Auditions Tuesday
Call backs thursday
Rehersals start Friday.
Wow.

Vocal Jazz auditions on tuesday as well. At lunch time.
Chamber choir from last year is preforming at the Terry Fox Run this year.
We'll be in the paper and on tv :)

I got my pay for my first two days of work
so I have money for coffee.

I've gotten a lot more writing done than usual.

I work all weekend with my new nazi boss
but that's okay, I'll have fun.

My american friend is now living up here.
I'm glad he's here.
I've always looked up to him.

I suddenly see myself growing up
Not grown up, no.
But getting there.
I'm almost out of high school.
University is coming up.

What will I be?
Who will I be?

I look forward to knowing.
To being informed
& to deciding.