Preggos

So I can think of so many people I know, indirectly and directly
who've been pregnant or been scared that they were.

Okay now I'm not saying don't go have sex
(even though, essentially, that's my point)
But if you just can't keep it in your pants,
you do have options.

Birth control?
A rubber for gods sake?

I know a guy who at 16 was a dad.
Sixteen.

How can you let yourself do that?

I mean, you've just ruined your life.
You'll never have time to be young and irresponsible
& even if you think you can handle that,
you can't. Youre a teenager.
We all are, essentially, young and irresponsible.
Stick us with kids?
And we might last a year, at the most.
But one day the pressure would be too much.
We'd want to go to party or out with friends and have fun.
So we'd leave the kid and go.
So we've not only fucked up our lives, but the kids.
Not good.

I don't want to have kids.
Right now, not at all.
Maybe I'll change my mind, but not for a long while I'm sure.

I'm not interested in fucking up my life like that.
Imagine me as a mother.

...
...
..
.. ...

No.
Can't do it.
Does not compute.

Gods.

If you're going to have kids, you need to understand that it might not be the best thing for the baby.
Yes, I'm pro abortion. I am pro choice.

Moral of my rant ladies and gents?

Major risk of sex = BABIES.

Deal me in

This is the game I love to play.

Because i know how, its true.
I learned all my good moves from you.

And now I'm beating you everytime

Because you taught me so well dear
& looking at you I start to see fear

Do you realize how much I grown?

Because you showed me how
to be able to crush you now

The way you crushed me.

And everyone else I can do this to?
I'll send their distaste right over to you.

I win

What's going on?

Because,
I dont know.

And if you know,
you arent tellin' me.

Fantastic.

==


I'm okay.
I'm dealing fine
with the fact
that i have options again.

Are you okay,
this is probably one of the last things ill write too or about you,
and are you okay
cause i know how easily you can pretend.
I'll miss you
eventually
but I don't yet.

Which is how I know this was right.
I know this was right.

I feel lighter.

I'm feeling good.
I'm okay.
If you aren't

well
honestly,
find your own way out
you aren't bringing me down with you this time.
not again.
not anymore.

I win.

Stealing Bev's Idea

Photographs


1 photo of a memory I still dream about:

I still have dreams that I'm at TecVoc and we're doing Moby Dick again. Often they're nightmares, but more often they're good dreams.

1 photo that still makes me go "awwww!":

This is my Kitty. You know you love him.

1 photo that shows what I wish for:

♫New York New York, It's a wonderful town ♫

1 photo that defines a large part of who I am

1 photo that makes me laugh out loud:

1 photo that makes me (almost) cry:

I miss you guys. See you next year :)

1 photo that makes me want to go back in time:

What can I say

1 photo that brings back bad memories:

1 photo that brings back good memories:

A fun day with E

[Title of Show]

So a new musical that hardly got off it's feet is closing.
That kinda makes me sad. I've listened to one or two of it's songs and it seems amazing. It obviously has potential.

I wonder how many great works die before they really get a chance?
Scary.



Hey kid
I like getting to know you.
We share ideals and fears.
I hope this moves forward more.
Even though we seem to both be afraid of that.
Here's to the coming months.

As I promised

I told Tomasz that I would listen to
burning bright by shinedown
while i write today.
Let's see where it takes me today.

I'm tired from 6 hours of work.

I might be pulling an all night for homework tonight, I'm not looking forward to it.

And I would rather reveal myself than my situation

I pretend to close my eyes.
I pretend I'm burning- burning bright.

I wonder if depression is contagious?
It seems to be.
I can't count on my hands how many people I know who are dealing with it or have. I can't even honestly say I haven't been there myself or aren't there on occasion.

I know I crossed the line

Maybe I was wrong to say goodbye.
But whether I was or I wasn't,
it was right for me at the time
And I am going to stick with it.

There's nothing ever wrong
but nothing's ever right

Oh lord I hate the neutrality.
God. I hate when decisions aren't made
or when things aren't moving.
I need to feel like things are moving forward to feel good about things.

Now and then I consider my, hesitation

Now for a person who hates neutrality I sure am slow
to make a decision.
Seriously,
I'm so afraid of making the wrong choice with anything.
And as soon as I make one,
I back track and take it back.
I can't even decide on an opinion sometimes.

I feel like there is no need for conversation.

Everybody, needs somebody

Unless, that is to say, of course on the other side of the matter,
They just happen to choose not to.
So they want to not need whether they need to or not.
And
when does want become a need?
And which is first?

Do you need somebody?
Or want somebody?
Or want to need somebody?

"-Do you need anybody;
I want somebody to love.
Could it be anybody;-"

Do I?
Well,
no.
And yes.
And no.
And perhaps.
But not in that order exactly.

I work soon.

As I promised

Soon after said incident, elementary is over.
With many incidents in between.
Including Lily lying about something huge, accusing another girl and friend of something horrible and disgusting, and, having no way to prove she didn't, the girl was blamed. I'm sorry to say I was a ring-leader in what was to be a witch hut against this girl. I guess something in me just snapped, and in my own twisted way, I wanted to prove Lily could be trusted. I was not nice to the other girl. A huge fight insued in which the entire class took sides on. It was not a pretty sight. At 12 years old we were using the words "whore" and "bitch." Looking back, I'm shocked and just disgusted over what we did to eachother.
Anywho
"Graduated" elementary school.
Went to middle school.
Lily and I are in the same class. Oh joy of joys. We're still close, but I finally find out the truth about the major drama. I'm mad. I don't say anything. But Lily and I drift apart.
Towards the end of grade 7, I told Lily off finally.
Grade 8 we aren't in the same class. I'm without my best friend. It's hard.
Lily starts smoking and doing pot. Grade 8 guys. Grade. 8.
Suffice to say I was unimpressed. We stopped talking altogether. To this day I am still naive, but I was never stupid.
Grade 9 comes around and hostilities die down. We chat before the first day of school, outside of the east building. She blows smoke in my face. I say nothing.
There. Defining moment for me. I don't say nothing anymore.
So like I said, we aren't so mean to eachother anymore
but we aren't friends really.
We chat a bit, but rarely. It's just kinda over. I hear things that have happend to her, and I'm sad. I hear things about meth and recall the way he skin looked the last time she was at school, months ago.
Grade 10.
Lily calls me out of the blue one day. Asks me to meet her on the tracks like old times. I do. We immediatly hug and cry a little bit. We go to the park and sit on swings. We talk. We update eachother on everything. And man, she looked good. Way better than I could remember her. Her skin is better and she's smiling. We go to her house and her room is a new colour. Blue now. I ask her why the change.
"we're moving" she says.
I ask her where.
"New Zeland" she says.
Seems she's getting better. Her parents are getting back together, she's off her insomnia meds, isnt smoking as much. Her father got laided off from Air Canada and picked up by air New Zeland.
We cry a little.
I go to her going away/birthday bash. I go with my guy friend, because i remember how her parties go.
I get there and everyones drunk. I stick around for 5 minutes, say goodbye and happy birthday to Lil. She slurrs a goodbye and lurches over to another person.
Same old Lil.
I ask my friend to take me home. He drives me home even though i could have very well walked. We sit inside my house for a while. I'm quiet and he just holds me til I feel okay to be alone. I send him home.
Lily goes to New Zeland.

A little writing, and a story for you all

So sometimes
darling
dearest
it's just too hard to be around you.
Sometimes
sweetie
baby
I think if I have to stand here and try to make nothing up to you
I'll honestly just have to kill myself.
Today love
I'm even still trying to make it work.
Today duckie
I want to be close to you again.
Yesterday hun
you hurt me so much
and
me?
I stood there and didn't cry.
I stood there and didn't apoligize
this time around.
And me?
And I?
I wanted nothing more than to tackle you
to hurt you back
and to hold you close and cry
because I still don't know when I lost you.
Because I still miss you everyday.
Sometimes
I just hate myself as much as I hate you.
Most days.
I love you
but more than mostly,
I hate you more than that.



Music is like flypaper.
When you hear a song that used to be such a part of you
and it just makes you feel like you did, way back when.
Or bring back Random memories you had forgotten all about.

List of memory songs:
Chili Con Carne
Halleujah
This Love
Tears in Heaven
I'm Yours
Kiss Me
A Little Prayer
Shadows of the Deep
At Last
Build Me Up Buttercup :)
Sisters of Mercy
Oh Suzanne
Homeward Bound
You Can Call Me Al
Step by Step
John Williams : Theme from Schindlers List


Let me tell you a story
About my old friend.
"Lily"
So Lily and I met when we were both lil' youngins. I think it was on the playground when we were six. My first memory of playing with her is when we sat in the little red tunnel and gossiped about things that six year olds gossip about. Pets, favourite colours, our toys, what kind of clips we had in our hair. We were in grade one.
I remember her coming over when we were in grade 2 or 3. We ran around my neighborehood. We gossiped under my bed. I showed off my kitty. We made Kool-Aid. Lily left and my mother commented on how nice of a girl she seemed.
Her and I were best friends all through elementary school. We lived close to eachother.
Now, those who know me well understand that I am a rather naive person. Those who don't, this is an important note in the this story.
Lily liked to... tell some rather big stories. When I was little I always outright believed her. Once I was older I believed her dispite that I knew better, because she was my best friend. I thought it was wrong for me to not trust my best friend.
Lily seemed to see this. She started doing little things.
In grade 6 my teacher convinced me to keep a diary and journal. He wanted me to do more writing on my own. I was tentitive, but he bought me one. With a lock and only one key. I loved it and filled it quickly. I bought one on my own. I didn't get a lock, being still naive, I didn't see the need.
I took to writing in it everyday. About everything. Now at this time, I, well, didn't have the greatest time with my parents. We had some bad days, some worse days, and a couple eye-of-the-storm days.
So one day I went to Lily's house for another one of our weekly sleepovers. I brought my journal and wrote a bit in it.
I go home. I open my bag after a fight with my parents to write a little bit and
its
not
there.
I couldn't figure it out.
Like I said, naive.
A week later a mutual friend Lisa tells me that Lily has been reading my journal out to everyone. I don't believe her, I tell her that Lily would never do a thing like that. I don't speak to Lisa for another week.
The day I started speaking to Lisa again was the day I go over to Lily's house again for a sleepover. Lily goes upstairs to get a drink, and I stay in her room, just kinda looking around.
Then
I see it.
My journal. Half sticking out from under her bed.
Now for a moment I just sit there. I have no clue what to do about this.
After a few seconds, I grab my journal and throw it into my bag. Lily comes back down and the night proceeds like nothing happend.

STORY TO BE CONTINUED

But hey, don't listen to me. Don't listen to the sad song, don't let me bring you down.

What right do you have
to tell me
that i cant.
Cant understand.
Am not able to have an opinon on this?

I'm involved too.


I'd like to see someone
try to rip me off today.
I'd love
to go head to head with someone
and win.


Who are you to echo me?
Who are you to attempt
to cover me
and claim me?
I don't need that.
Don't assume that everyone needs it.
Get out.
Find a new way in.
Because there is no truth in this.
Because there is no truth in you.

Stopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopit
stop
it!

Your words don't make sense anymore.

You aren't real.



And neither am I.
When did I get so fake?
When did I start to just hate looking in the mirror and confronting who I am?
When did I start dreading seeing my friends and watching them be dissapointed in me again again and again?
When did I start failing so much?
Why haven't I noticed til now?

When did this start all over again?